I meant what I said, and I said what I meant

An elephant's faithful one hundred percent

As the months have gone by since my world came crashing down in late August. Some credit is owed to this little bloggy blog and all my bloggy friends {because you rock my world and lift me up when I need it} just being able to write it down makes it real. I start writing and by the time I'm done the world makes just a little more sense. Part of it is also finding joy and strength in being alone. In doing what I like, when I like not having to ask The King. Most recently my self-awareness can be credited to my wonderful therapist PJ.

Now I'm pretty sure in the two hours I have spent with her I have learned more about myself then ever. I'm a stuffer, and no I don't just mean stuffing my face hole I mean like the big stuff that happens, and even the little stuff...I have this little switch. The Sunshine Switch that bitch something horrible can happen, absolutely awful, like picking up Adam's phone to see a text message that said "I miss your amazing sex" and then seeing it wasn't from me...dying on the inside then going on about my day like nothing ever happened. Singing Adaline "you are my sunshine" with Adam, then ending the night by the fire with some wine and snuggling, all the while completely forgetting what I saw a few hours earlier. whatthefuckingfuckiswrongwithme? I've been like this for as long as I can remember, when PJ and I had our first appointment and we did the whole start from when you were ten thing...I was dying and so was she. To say we have had a lot of drama is an understatement...I've been conditioned to just go with the flow and adapt. Which is good, in that I could have gone to hot topic, bought those gawd awful pants, pierced my face and listened to death metal...but I didn't.

In my adult life that adaptive trait, particularly in this whole shitshowdivorcedramabullshit, isn't a good thing. Hmm. For at least the last three years I have been accepting less from The King then what I really wanted. Any bit of anything was better then nothing, and I found sparkle in every bad day. Good Quality or Bad Quality...bad, very very bad. In the last five months I've given him full access to Addy, and to me whenever he wants it, however he wants it. Because anything is better then nothing rite? W.R.O.N.G

Is it helpful or is it harmful....

What do I want? I want Adam to be our DaDa. I want him to be my husband, and to be Adaline's father. He won't ever be able to give me that. Because he doesn't want to? Maybe. Because he mentally cannot commit himself? Probably. Because he's an all around douche with really bad behavior, who treats everyone around him as if they are lucky to be in his presence. Most Definitely.

Our having a friendship like The King wants is absolutely pointless and harmful. It doesn't serve anyone besides him, because he can feel a little better about himself because well he's "still my friend" and he's still "in our life" he's "trying" fuckthatshit. Who does that benefit, Addy and I or does it benefit him?!?

I've set a boundary with The King, February is going to be a King free month. Talk to you in March dude. I meant what I said and I said what I meant. If he isn't going to be in our lives under my terms then he is simply not in our lives...after all The Queen does have full custody. I call the shots. The healthiest three weeks I have had in these last five months were the three weeks between Christmas Eve {when I got served divorce papers} and mid-January when Adam was out of the country. I found the energy to exercise, I was a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend...I wasn't emotionally eating, I wasn't walking around with mascara constantly staining my face. I wasn't day dreaming about hiding under the covers with a bowl full of pasta with butter and extra cheese with a side of birthday cake and tequila...Our life is better when Adam is MIA. I will probably need to read this post every day for the next week month three months hundred years but eventually it's going to click. It's got to rite. One day I am going to pick up the phone and I'm not even going to have to convince myself to put it down, not to talk to The King. One day he truly with be a nonmotherfuckingfactor {shameless basketball wives reference}

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.
I set a boundary to protect my heart, and Addy's.
It's over, because I want it to be

Weigh In Wednesday #5

Wednesday...Really?
Does today feel like a Monday to anyone else? ICK.
Well this morning I weighed in at 190.
So that means I lost all my PMS weight, plus one pound.
How that happened I have no idea.
I didn't exercise once, but I did still eat well.
I think sometimes our body needs a break.
Addy stayed up later this past week, it's been a two hour process getting her to bed every night.
By 9pm when she finally is quiet the last thing I want to do is spend an hour with Peder getting sweaty...
Well I would, but not if there are weights and three sports bras involved.
This week I need to find time to fit it all in, Really!
Though I technically lost 5 pounds this week I still feel like complete c r a p.

<p align="center"><a href="http:/ /www.shesabigstar.com/"><img src="http://i1191.photobucket.com/albums/z468/suit1/ WeighIn1_zps284dd2e2.png" alt="button" width="363" height="489" /></a></p>

Today I want to touch a little on alcohol and weight loss.
The two do not mix.
{{Unless your Mrs. Mustache, I don't know how that bizz does it}}
Yes I am guilty of "saving" calories for a few drinks...
But it's just not a good idea and certainly doesn't help loose the weight.
On Saturday I bought the first bottle of wine I've bought in months.
In those four days I've only have two glasses...and I enjoyed them.
Six months ago I was going through three of those BIG bottles of yellow tail every week sometimes more.
Now that's just gross, and prooves how miserable I actually was. Mehh
My running everything and three mile walk probably were just making up for the amount of alcohol I was consuming as soon as I swiped those compression crops & washed that sweat off.
What was I thinking.
Alcohol causes stomach bloat & water retention
{which I'm feeling today after only two glasses}
Alcohol has tons of sugar.
Alcohol is just empty calories.
Now I'm not saying you should never have a drink if you're trying to loose weight...
Or Maybe I am But you should seriously limit your comsumption if you're serious about dropping those el-bees
That being said I do not plan on throwing away that last 3/4 of the bottle that is left...
BUT weight loss isn't about giving everything up that you enjoy.
It's about MODERATION MODERATION MODERATION!

Happy Wednesday Ladies!


Couldn't help myself HAD to leave you with a little Mamma June to brighten your day!
And remember next week we are measuring...b/c this girl someone forgot this week

Words how little they mean when they're a little too late.

I am a sucker for all things alternative or punk rock music.I remember being twelve shut in my room illegally downloading all kinds of music from bands no one had ever heard of. Lately I have been in a funk. I have spent the last two weeks living with the sounds of Mumford & Sons and Eddie Vedder swirrling around in my head.

Last week some of you may know I started therapy. I can already tell it is the best investment I will ever make. Those of you have been know the first session is a get to know you type thing...In that one hour I think I learned more about where I am at and where I need to be then I could have figured out myself in years. I am a serial over-reactor. Not in a bad way, okay in a bad way sometimes. I give everything my whole heart, and I really get hurt when someone gets upset, or something doesn't go the way I plan. So yah, maybe I'm a bit of a control freak too...okay okay total control freak. But that's only because I've been taking care of a narcasistic man child for the last six years.

My therapist, let's call her PJ asked me two questions last week that have hung in my head and laid heavy on my heart every second of every day for the past six days. The first being, "So you're getting a divorce? Do you want a divorce?". Honestly, the answer to that one is a big fat en-oh. Absolutely not. Do I think our marriage is salvagable after all we've been through, yah actually I do. But I also know that I will never move back to Arkansas to be with The King, and I won't stop doing what I'm doing to put my life on the back burner for him e v e r again. Another thing I know is that one lie, that one decision, that one choice he made, it ruined our marriage. And not because I let it, because he did. I forgave him before he even told me, I already knew and was just waiting for him to come clean. In that week of hell, waiting for him to tell me I prayed and I waited. I prayed for GOD to show me his purpose in this lesson, in this hurt. And I prayed for strength to do what was right, to follow his plan for me. Three weeks and a whole lot of tears and crazy later I was packing anything I deemed important my "life" into a u-haul trailer.

Nearly five months later I heard the words I had been waiting to hear all along. "I don't want a divorce, I just didn't think there was a choice. I runied everything." I have been waiting to hear those first five words since the day I found out about Bethany. Five months later they just don't have the same effect to them that I was expecting them to have. Somehow those five simple words that should have been so easy to say, weren't for The King. How many times does he deserve another chance? How many? I expected to feel such joy when he spoke those words, if he ever admitted it. But I didn't. I cried, because I was pissed. Really really really pissed. "Words how little they mean, when they're a little too late." Amen Taylor, Amen.

The other thing PJ asked me is how I felt about myself. I answered with okay really, I'm going to start classes, I'm just trying to keep moving. Then she asked me what the first word was that came to mind when I thought of myself. Withough hesitation I blurted out "shame, I feel ashamed." I feel like it's my fault my marriage failed. I feel like no man is going to want to love me, a woman who let her marriage fall apart, who's husband turned away from her June Cleaver perfect wife, perfectionist control freak ways, for another pierced tatooed, bleach blonde little girl who embodied everything that I was not. I lost my husband. I fell like I owe some sort of explanation to everyone I see while I push the cart, or hold Addy's hand through the mall with no ring on my finger...but the tan lines, calluses, and smoother skin in the width of those two bands is still fresh. I f a i l e d. I wasn't enough. That sucks.

I've made the decision with a little encouragement from my parents to drop all of my classes and start fresh in the fall. I think it's the best decision, I know I realistically couldn't give the proper effort to any amount of classes rite now. I'm struggling just to parent Addy, sort my feelings, and keep it together until seven everynight when she goes to bed so that I can fall apart if I need to. Yesterday we both had a really rough day, on more then one occasion we ended up both in tears, her sitting on my lap with her little arms around my neck...

"Where you invest your love,
You invest your life"
I want to spend the next eight months before the fall semester starts invested in myself, healing my heart, and moving forward with or with out The King in our lives. And truly being secure in that. I want to invest the next eight months in my family & friends who have given me so much over the years. I want to invest the next eight months in GOD, my father and personal savior who I have set to the side the last six or so years spent with The King. Most of all I want to invest these next eight months in my Adaline. She will be three in less then five months...THREE. I can hardly believe it. These days are so precious, and this last six months have gone by in a blur. It's a struggle every day for the two of us to find our rythm...we need to settle in, and then I can begin building our life. With or with out her father.

Free Stuff Friday!

Woahh Wait a minute...
Did she say free?
YEP!
I most certainly did say free.
It's Friday and I'm too dang tired to blog.
But I hope you ladies have a great weekend.
I'll leave you with this give away.
What's better then free stuff to end the week?!

You can enter the give away here.
My girl Lora is hosting
I'm participating and so are a bunch of other blogging divas I just lubbb

Here's what one lucy very lucky diva will get:

$60 worth of Target giftcards
$25 Starbucks giftcards
$25 Banana Republic giftcard
$20 Sephora giftcard
Stationary
An Alex & Ani Bracelet {living water}
A Cosmetics Bag
A Free Button
A Lulemon Headband

Danng that's a lot of swag!
Head on over to see Lora, follow the other bloggers
&& leave ONE comment to let Lora know you particpated!

We Made It!

Random Thursday: Wearing all the hats

I keep seeing tons of posts titled "Random Thursday" today
So I thought I'd join the fun and be super random too
I've been pretty lax lazy with my blogging and answering emails lately
I promise I've read your emails and I will get back to you
I'm just lazy. distracted. busy
Today's post is completely random
Due to my laziness not keeping up on my blog I have a lot to say
as usual
Today I am going to try on some different "hats"
Fitblogger.Realitytvblogger.FashionBlogger.Homedecorblogger
Stay Tuned this is going to be fun


Fit.Blogger
So y'all know by now that I have cut dairy, red meat & refined carbohydrates. I have tried twice this week to eat dairy. And my body has made it clear to me that it's on a diet. It's all like, "listen sister, this ass misses those size 10 jeans, we already made it to a 12, so stop filling me with crizzap, or else!" Then the punishment comes...a few minutes pass and I am feeling like I'm going into labor again, yah the pain is really THAT bad...then I get to scurry to the bathroom where I am stuck for way too long cursing that 1/4 cup of cheese I had on my baked potato for carb-day Wednesday. So even though I have tried to sneak stuff past the old stomach, apparently it has already adapted and made itself lactose-intolerant. Awesome. At least I cannot forget I'm on a diet, my body has a not so polite way of reminding me. I guess I am doomed to being that annoying friend who orders steamed veggies and plain chicken when we go out. Which isn't cool, this weekend is Diva Mandy Pant's birfday & we are going to cheesecake factory. It's my favorite...it has cheese in the name...this is gonna be a t.e.s.t!
Alex vs. herbody.


Reality.TV.Blogger

Yes, Sean of course I will marry you. Those girls are all different breeds of crazy, and I completely agree, I'm the one that's right for you. I will forgive you for falling for Tierra's fake fall and dramatic crazy girl tendencies. I will forgive you for that 3+ minute on-screen kiss, I know you were thinking about your's truly the whoolllleee time. Let's get real here though...he centered his solo date with Ashlee P this week around hanging out at six flags with two girls with chronic illnesses {he's a saint}. He even did old time photos...I love old time photos. He's such a hunk, <<---look at that picture! This week he even flew Sarah H's dog to come see her as a surprise because he knew she miss him. AND he even played with the dog..in his suit. He is THE perfect man. I would even forgive him for his scandalous spread in in-touch. Oh.My.Gawd. that man is dreamy.

Then there's this show. It's called Built. It's on style network. And I have no idea what it's even about. But look at that man, with that power tool AND a tank top...swoon. I'm hooked and the premier is set with a reminder on my phone. It's gonna be good, I mean style is responsible for some serious quality entertainment such as Jersylicious, BigRichTexas, Girls Club. Built will not disappoint.



Home.Decor.Blogger
This month Addy and I are getting our rooms re-done. She's getting a "big girl room" no more cribby...and I need to not be sleeping in my childhood bed. Now I'm sure you know I left The King with all our furniture...big mistake. I think I might kind of be okay with it though. I'd rather do it my way, new stuff, new memories. So here's my design boards for our rooms...

My room will have a fabric ultra-girly platform bed like this one pictured. Red I love red, I was thinking I should go pink and girly...but that's not me. So we are going red, chocolate and girly. I love the Moroccan inspired rug from overstock, and that chair {also from o.co} will be perfect with my vanity. I have a desk and a dresser to redo. It will be so nice to do a little refinishing with out The King {an expert on everything} over my shoulder shirtless and sweaty arguing with me that I'm doing it all wrong. Buzz off I got this!

Addy Bear's Room...fit for a princess. I LOVE the shabby chic, ultra girly look mixed with what else but zebra of course. And who doesn't love cute signs. I'm looking for a stencil, or walllpaper to do on one of her walls...or thinking of doing a tree stencil like in her nursery. She loves animals...on my list to find for her room is a large wicker elephant, owl figurines, birds & birdcages.


Fashion.Blogger

leopard tunic-borrowed:Diva.Rach's.closet similar/similarScarf-Kikilarue exact Leggings-Kikilarue exact Necklace-Groopdealz similar Boots-Frye exact/similar

Happy Thursday Hookstars

Weigh In Wednesday: Week 4

This Morning I weighed in with a 2.6 pound gain..193.6
Womp Womp.
I've had my period, I've been a sappy mess, I've eaten well, but I still gained.
Two pounds is probably my normal menstrual weight gain...except normally it's like 12-15 pounds because I gorge myself on takeout and anything ice cream related.
This week I didn't.
And I only gained 2 1/2 pounds, so I will take it!
Even with my gain today I am only 4.6 pounds away from being UNDER 190.
The 180's I haven't seen them in almost three years.
As of today I am 8.6 pounds away from my 100 pounds lost mark!
I never ever ever thought I would be here.
To a lot of you I'm sure 193.6 is a big number...
But I'm really proud of it.
I'm proud as I slip on a pair of size 11 or 12 jeans.
I'm proud every time someone tells me I look thin.
I'm proud every time I make the right food choice choice.
And I am proud every time I make time for me to sweat it out.
I may have gained THIS week but I have lost 92 pounds...
That's a freaking sixth grader...
Holy Crap!



Now you all know if you were here last week, I decided to cut dairy and red meat from mine and Addy's diet.
I think we were 90% successful.
We grocery shopped Sunday night & when we got home I prepped all my meals!
This takes time...too much time, but it makes the rest of the week easy peasy.
I have been staying away from refined carbs, and sticking mostly to stuff grown from the ground.
I feel GREAT!
Even with my gain this week, I have had more people tell me I look thinner this week then in weeks I lost six pounds.
My stomach bloat is disappearing, you can start to see my ribs
"oh hey ribs, long time no see"
My back rolls are g o n e
And you can start to see the makings of upper abdominal muscles
What What!!!
I'm sleeping better, but I haven't had much energy...
This week I need to decide if that's due to my hormones, or if I'm just not eating the right things...
I'm considering starting to supplement this week mehh one more thing to remember
5:30am turbo kick workouts, were far and few did not happen
Who wants to get up at 5:30 when it's -8* out and your nice and toasty in your warm bed
Not this girl.
But I need to!

How Did you all do this week?!?! I'm excited to see!!!!

Forget. Forgive. Begin Again. And Again. And Again.

Today, I'm at work yes I blog from work duh when most of you are at home with your little bunnies who also are home today from school. I'm jealous, I miss my Addy bear. I feel like this weekend there was stiff competition between the two of us...who could throw more tantrums. I think I won. badmomoftheyearaward.

I've been stressed, really stressed. And feeling a little sad about The King. We've had to talk this week a little bit because I'm filing our taxes. Yes, I basically black mailed my way into being "allowed" to take over that task by threatening that I wouldn't give him my w-2's and file seperately, keeping him from getting all the stimulus' that we usually qualify for. Yah, I know, well played Al, Well.Played. Queen-1 King-0. Well maybe that's a conservitive score...The King is probably at what 5, 10, 20 by now, I don't even remember. But I do know that little shit is sneaky and he seems to have me fooled into forgiving him and forgetting the crappy crap he does. But reguardless Momma is finally on the board. Best part? He THINKS I'm going to keep his half, he's VERY nervous about it...I would never do that. ever. I play by the rules, I can be dirty, but I don't play dirty like The King. So, he will get his half, and I will feel even better that I didn't do something mean like him, eventhough I could if I really wanted to.

Anyways, I've been feeling nostalgic, guilty, sad, stressed, impatient, and I've cried more in the last seventy-two hours then I have since Christmas Eve when Adam served me with the papers. That's right, I made it a full four weeks with out crying. With out looking back. With out wondering what if. With out thinknig maybe, just maybe one day he will grow up and come back for his family. Did I do the right thing by choosing to walk away, or should I have tried harder? I asked my Mom that yesterday actually. She reminded me that I DID try everything, and I spent three weeks in my chair crying all day crippled by a broken heart and unable to parent my child effectively, becuase I was too worried about The King and if he would leave us. And guess what, he did. He didn't fight for us, he is not worthy. I need to remember the last day, as he jumped the fence like a lunatic with my phone to delete all the evidence I had of his relationship with B-dizle. The look on his face when he sat there in front of me as I asked "You are never going to give me what I want are you?" and he replied "I don't want more kids, and I don't believe in GOD." suckerpunchtothegut. holyshitballs. I just spent six years with the wrong man.

Our breif conversations about all things tax related, turned into late night texts about the future. His future. His life. The guilt he feels. It doesn't help that I was sent a message by a mutual friend this past week that was from The King saying that he was sorry he has let everyone down, he just couldn't do it anymore, and I was so much more then he ever deserved, that he always felt like he was holding me back. True on all accounts.

But the self loathing is getting old, though it get's me every time. My poor little baby who's favorite animal is a monkey, who had red spikes in his hair on the first day of sixth-grade, who's mom wouldn't let me speak to him on the phone when I called repeditely at the ripe age of thirteen, who would eat tacos for every meal,literally, who would watch stupid old movies on comedy central all day and laugh out loud freely the.entire.time. Who's arms I fell asleep in for the five years we shared a bed at night. Who I made a home and a child with, who I wanted to grow ould with and wanted to grow old with me...the boy who loved me. And who I still love. In his vaunerable moments he is still that boy, but he can be a real monster at the drop of a hat. I miss him this week, or rather I feel as though he is missing from me.

It's been a rough weekend. My saddness about The King has festered over into the rest of my days. Into my parenting. Into my being a member of my family. Into my motivation to work out, that would be zero. Maybe it's my heart hurting because I'm lonely. Maybe it's the fact that I'm oozing hormones & uterine lining this week. Maybe. But I am so very glad that tomorrow afternoon at 4 o'clock I start therapy. I've been putting it off for months years now because I wasn't ready to hear the truth...I'm ready now. I'm doing so well, almost an entire month with out walking around with tears around the brim of my green eyes. almost a month with out crying myself to sleep. almost a month with out feeling broken and alone. almost a month. And that is something to be proud of. That is sucess and that is progress. I look back at how far I've come the last almost four months, one-hundred-twenty plus days with out The King, and a lot of hell in between. And I'm moving forward.