Wednesday, October 2, 2013

"Mawmm, Can Daddy Hold Me?"

I hear his music before I hear the car door slam.
This is how I know he's home.
He has come back.
For us.
I run down the driveway, and meet him halfway to the house.
I jump in his arms and he picks me up.
As I wrap my legs around his waist and kiss his neck,
I breathe in his smell and run my hands up the back of his freshly cut hair.
I'm home.
Adaline comes running up behind me.
"Mawwwm what are you doing, Mawmm? Oh Daddy. My Daddy is home!! My Daddy came to my house to see me, aww I love you Daddy! Mawmm can Daddy hold me? Get down!"
My feet touch the ground, but I feel like I'm flying still.
He bends and picks up our girl.
I see the man who owns every piece of my soul hold the life we made together...
Equal parts me. Equal parts him...
In his strong callous covered hands.
He pulls me in.
Holding both of his girls.
All three of us are crying and kissing.
I am HOME...

And then I wake up.


Wet from tears and sweat.
Heart racing.


It has been one whole year since he held his girls in his arms.
One whole year since he kissed us good bye with out a second thought.
And I am still shattered.
Living inside of my dreams and fantasies because reality hurts too much.
The reality is, my husband lives with another woman.
And I am for all intents and purposes a single mother.
Who still walks every day with her husbands name tattooed on her like a scarlet letter.
A reminder every day of what she never really had.
A reminder of every memory she holds in her soul.

Life is g r e a t.
I have a beautiful, smart, healthy three year old daughter.
Her curls are getting longer and longer,
It seems every day her eyes get brighter,
and her lashes get longer like her Daddy's.
She walks with a bounce just like he does.
She sings and dances just like he used to.
It has been One whole year, and 17 days since she was in his arms..
and somehow she still has so much of him in her.
I am so lucky I get to see the good parts, my favorite parts of him, in her.

I have more friends, yah know the real kind..the kind that are family, than I have ever had.
I have crossfit which fills me with passion and strength I never knew I had.
I am moving in a positive direction every day.
More into the woman I was supposed to be.
Less of the woman I became when I was with him.
And if you were to run into me at the market while we were shopping for produce...
And you were to ask me "how are you doing?"
I would tell you "I'm great. Happy. Really happy."
And I would mean it.
I would really mean it.
I am happy.

BUT when I let it, there's a hole.
And it hurts me.
And I miss him.

Everynight as I sit cross legged on the floor reading to Adaline, I sniff her little head and she laughs.
She smells so much like him, it's the strangest thing ever.
I never want to forget that smell.
That is the smell of home.

I just want to wrap my legs around his waist, and breate in his smell.
We could do it.
We could all be home.


  1. I love you! I know it's not easy, and sometimes it's just really, really hard. That's all there is to it sometimes, just the hard... but the hard will get less and less, I promise. I am SO proud of the progress you've made, the HAPPY beautiful woman that you are! xoxo

  2. Wow this was such a powerful post. I think its always surprising how difficult it can be to let go of the past, even if what we had was bad for us. I have been in the same situation. But let me tell you, sometimes we need to let go of the things not meant for us in order for other, better things to slide into place as they are meant to. One day you will meet a man who is worthy of you and your beautiful daughter, and you will think, "Ex-husband, who?". It takes a long time to overcome loss and to grieve, what you are feeling is very natural. The hole in your heart will heal itself in time and you will be ready to accept other, better things into your life. Keep up the great work :)

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