Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Weigh In Wednesday...

Hey Girl Heyyyyyyy
Welcome to Weigh In Wednesday

For the majority of this week I maintained...We were pretty busy all week, I was pretty drained as usual so the exercise time has been non-existent. This week I'm starting to feel like myself again, besides being drained from this cleanse. I'm going to continue to relax this week and let my body clean itself out, and next week will be back to body pump and join my favorite girls for 5am #jismyb {Jillian Michaels) instagram 30 day shred challenge. {instagram me : alnicolek}

So my weight this week...
Down three pounds since Monday morning.
Thank you Advocare.
This is literally the gentlest cleanse ever. No rushing to the bathroom, no cramping, no wonky side effects at all. It's now going on day three, and I'm not hungry like I thought I would be. In fact I'm not really hungry at all. I'm following the diet plan that goes with it, which isn't that much different from what I normally eat, so it hasn't been hard. I have been pretty drained though, I think it's maybe the lack of carbs? I've been in bed every night by nine or ten and falling rite asleep. Usually I'm in bed around midnight tossing and turning till two or three. I feel much more alert and clear headed, besides the sleepiness. I will definitely regularly do this cleanse every six months like suggested.

Now I'm sure you've heard of the Diet Bet craze...right? Basically it's a weight loss game. You bet $15 {some games are more}. Then you have four weeks to loose 4% of your body weight. Simple right? My Co-Host Erin is hosting one starting next Wednesday running till April 3rd. I'm joining and you can too click HERE for more information.

The Weather is bad here, so I have a two hour delay for work...Going to spend the morning snuggling with my little snow bunny for the morning! Have a great Wednesday Everyone!

Helping Mommy Blog This Morning {don't mind our jammiess}

Monday, February 25, 2013

What do you do when....

Sometimes it seems like years, since it first happened. Sometimes, like days.
It’s like being run over by a train.
You hurt so much you cannot breathe.
But no one else can see the gaping, raw flesh.
You carry it around like a silent scar on your arm.
You try to hide it with new clothes.
New friends.
New thoughts.
But none of it works.
Because you can never get rid of the stain.
A large, brown stain which seeps into the present, the future and the past.

When we were on that happy family vacation if you can call it that in Dollywood, that summer, you say to yourself, he was really thinking of someone else.
And the thought is enough to make you rip out the pictures from the album.
This time, he says, there is no one else.
But I don’t believe him.
Do you?

What do you do when your ex finds your blog? When he hacks your email, and reads your private conversations between you and your girlfriends, between you and your lawyer...and then he sees an email from a man, who it turns out happens to be working on your blog design? Your what? She has a blog? Well I guess I'll read it. What do you do when your heart breaks, when all that raw emotion you shared, I suppose with the world, but really never intended for him to are you supposed to feel? What are you supposed to do?

Cleanse Prep & Day 1 Eats

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So this morning I started the Advocare Herbal Cleanse {click here to try it out}. Last night I spent a very little amount of time prepping my food for the next few days so that there is no room for me to decide I'm craving half a pizza and cram it down my pie hole at the speed of light a slip up. I decided to only prep for the first 3-4 days instead of the full 10 because I want to see how I feel and gage what I might need to add to my meal plan for varitey to keep me interested, or I might need to add more calories to keep my energy up.

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This morning I started out with my fiber drink. I mixed it with some Trop 50 orange juice, I heard OJ makes the drink go down in it doesn't seem too much like you're drinking a thick, grainy, citrus flavored water drink. I was expecting the worst, and honestly it wasn't really that bad. I added ice and drank it through a was super sweet but I just took a sip of water between gulps!

On the Advocare website there is a list of what you should eat, and the things you should stay away from, as well as a chart telling you what to eat and when. Basically you stay away from refined carbohydrates, fats such as oil and butter, and anything fried, processed, or ladden with sugar. No brainer right?

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Breakfast: Fiber Drink & Trop 50
Lunch:Brownie Crunch Think Thin Bar
Dinner:Salad & Dressing {I cannot eat plain lettuce. ick}
Hard bolied eggs
Apple {sliced}

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It's been about 45 minutes since I have finished my fiber drink & I'm not rushing to the bathroom, so that's a good sign. This particular cleanse is known for being "gentle" which basically means you won't be stuck in the bathroom all day for 10 days. I'm optomistic about this cleanse. I know how to eat, I know what to eat, and I know I need to exercise. I also know Bikini Season is only 4 months away...and I am not getting in a bikini with this booty.

When I did my "vegan" January I felt the best I've ever felt. I didn't loose a significant amount of weight or anything, but my stomach bloat disappeared, I had energy, my skin was clear, and I was regular. I probably won't do the whole vegan thing again, I missed meat too much, but I do think after I finish this cleanse I am going to begin the whole 30 program.

Hope you ladies had a great weekend!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Last Time...

If you're here for Weigh In Wednesday, scroll on down girl. This is my second post of the day, and my heart is really kind of heavy. Okay, I can't stop biting the skin off my lip to keep me from crying...Yah it's one of those days, but I made it longer between today and the last one then I have so far in the last five months. Maybe that's because The King and I haven't spoken since he tried to pick a fight on Friday...He blew off his skype date with Addy, he has texted me a few times asking stupid irrelevant questions, but we haven't spoken besides a quick few words via text.

Last week I had said to PJ that I wonder if Adam ever even really loved me. You see our early years were kind of timultious. My father hated The King...HATED. HIM. And rightfully so, one time Adam told my father to "Go fuck himself" in a room full of people, and I slapped him across the face I was so shocked. We broke up after that for about a week, until he texted me one night and told me to go outside. In the driveway in his little parking spot was a kit-kat {who doesn't love a kit-kat}, a Saratoga Water, and flowers. As soon as I finished reading the card, he pulled in with his puppy dog eyes full of tears. Instead of being all like "Give me a break, and scram" clearly we ended up back together, AND engaged ten months later. This fighting between him and my dad was pretty regular, so now I'm left feeling like he lost interest when it wasn't a fight anymore. When he didn't have to "win" my affection.

Then Sunday came, which meant Saturday passed and he blew Addy off once again. Does that suprise any of you? Didn't think so. That's something I'm super duper struggling with, my girl Erin is like super mom, and lets her ex pop into a baseball game or cheer competiton here and there, whenever he feels like it, and she let's the kids enjoy it. So that they can feel that love, so they can feel like they're like every other kid and have a Daddy, even if it's just once in a blue moon. Now I don't know if she's Job, or if maybe I'm just terrible. I can't do it. I won't do it. I'm all like finger wavin' hand on the hip, head bobbin, ghetto baby mamma "if you ain't gon' be 'round errrryyy dayy, when I sayyy, then you ain't gon be 'round at all, Busta". And The King just doesn't get it, he thinks he sould be able to text on a Monday, when I'm at work, when he knows he won't be able to see her, when he just missed his skype date with her Saturday...just so he can say he asked. {vomit}

Anyways, the point of this post is to tell the story that has literally been eating me alive. I just wish it would eat some of the juicy fat off my booty instead of my heart. Did Adam ever really love me?...

I moved to Texas to be with Adam while he did his schooling for the Air Force. Sheppard AFB in Wichita Falls, Texas in a dumpy apartment that I spent most of my time alone in watching netflix on my Macbook, a place I would never set foot in under any other circumstances then to be near my Sweet Boy {that's what I always called him, now I just don't remember why, he's more of a sour apple}. It was in that dumpy furnished month-to-month rental that we made our sweet little Adaline {there wasn't much else to do in that town} was in that dumpy apartment that I last felt loved, and free, and complete. Not in the way Adaline completes me, but in the way feeling like I had a soul mate and best friend completed me. That was over 3 years ago.

On the day it was time to leave Texas, Adam was going to go onto Little Rock before coming home to New York for a month, where I would be waiting for him. Somehow we ended up on the same flight, and he asked to have his seat changed to sit next to his "wife, because she's pregnant" When we sat down he asked the gay flight attendant with the ill fitting South West Uniform and fake rolex if his "wife could have some crackers, she's pregnant, and hasn't been feeling well." He sat for that entire flight holding my hand with on hand, and awkwardly reaching across himself to touch my belly with the other. I was less then 6 weeks pregnant at that point, and had not even grown out of my normal clothes. We ended up in Dallas later then expected and both missed our flights, we sat there for hours. He left first. It was awful to see him go again after we had already spent the first half of our first year of marriage apart. He came back at least 10 times with tears in his eyes to give me another kiss...That was it. Two weeks later we picked him up at the Airport here in New York, and things were different. We moved to Arkansas and he started being abusive. He never touched my belly again unless I begged him to. We had Adaline and he was barely present in the delivery room. He deployed three months later and was never the same again. Adam did love me, but he just doesn't any more. What happened? And how was I so easy to leave? So easy to forget? That was the last time I ever saw that look on his face...the last time.

I liked it better before I had that memory, when I had myself convinced he never loved me, that it was just about the chase. It wasn't. That boy loved me as much as I loved him, probably more. Then one day he stopped. I want to stop remembering, I want the memories to go away. I do not want to be shattered every day. I want peace, and I want love. I want to enjoy this time with Adaline because I will never get it back, but this is honestly a time in our life I would rather forget all together. I want to erase Adam from our lives, I'll always remember, but I just don't want her to. I don't want her to feel what I feel rite now. I want to protect her. Does that make me a bad mom?

Weigh In Wednesday--What Have I done?


I didn't even weigh today, I was rushing around because I woke up still tired and was a total scatter brain today. That says something huh? Here I am hosting this link up with Miss Erin, and I FORGOT it was Wednedsay!

That tells you exactly where my health has been on the list lately, Dead Flipping Last!!!

It's a victory to get to the end of the day lately...And February is coming to an end a week from today. Am I the only one wondering where the heck did it go? Thankfully in Upstate New York we still have a good three months till it's shorts and tank top weather, so I can get my crap together and still reach my goal for summer.

I keep telling myself it's okay that I'm not spot on with my nutrition, and I think I've probably worked out a total of 6 times in the last 21 days. I am tired, I am unmotivated, and in the last 4 months I have only lost 15 pounds, which I feel like is nothing compared to the 91 pounds I lost in the 18 months prior. But when I do the math on average I loose about 5 pounds per month, when I'm working my ass off. So the 3-4 pounds a month I've been loosing is about normal for me. I just KNOW I can be doing more. I feel like garbage, I'm depressed about the whole divorce nonsense, and my saggy skin isn't helping me feel any better. It could be worse...

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I could be her

We all have times in our weight loss where we are feeling less motivated, for whatever reason. And if you have never had a day, week month like that, well then you are a faaareeeaaakkkk showwww. I kid, I kid. It's okay to have a harder time, as you all know I have been. But you need to recognise it and get back on track. I've been saying for weeks that I was going to, and my eating has been better 85% of the time, but my exercise has been minimal. That is the difference for me! If I can't find it in me to break a sweat on the reg, then I loose less weight
. Imagine that!?!

Yesterday my girl Sarah from hotmessmommie
texted me and asked if I wanted to do a little weight loss challenge with her. I was all like "Yah Sure" but really I was thinking "No flipping way, I'd rather eat big macs all day long". I suggested the advocare cleanse, and Sarah agreed that sounded like a good idea. Now I'm sure if you follow any weight loss, or fit bloggers you've seen a lot of posts about this cleanse in the last month. We hopped on over to Holly's bloggy blog
to find the link to order from her friend Molly. Our cleanses should be here by the end of the week, and we are planning to start Monday. I'll be taking before and after pictures and blogging my journey for you Divas, I know how much you love to hear about my poop paterns and see my stretch marks on full blast.

Another thing I did for my self & my health was buy a treadmill this week.
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I really miss running! Really Really Really miss it. Arkansas weather was a little, okay a lot more mild then New York weather, and I just refuse to run in the snow. Refuse. So I got this little puppy so I can run in the comfort and warmth of my own home. It comes built in with an 8 week Jullian Micahaels' program. So every morning at 5:15 am I will be doing it Biggest Looser Style and doing the fat girl bounce while Jullian screams at me and autimatically adjusts my incline. Bitch.

Hope you girls had a sucessful week & I cannot wait to read your entries.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Freak me Friday

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I'm noticing a pattern. Every Friday The King and I have a fight. Every. Single. Week. What's up with that? Maybe it has to do with the fact that today is the day to pay the piper and make that lovely little bi-weekly deposit called a child support payment? Maybe. Or is it because The King knows tomorrow he is expected to be a parent for half a second long enough to skype our oh I hate to say that, she's mine all mine daughter? Maybe. Really I'm sure there are a million and one reasons, and I really could probably list them all, but I won't do that thank god, I know.

This weeks fight was completely one sided. No, I'm not just saying that. What was the fight about, honestly I could not even tell you...because well for me it wasn't a fight. The King spent fourty-five minutes way too freaking long trying to minipulate me into changing our separation papers and allowing him to file for divorce under his terms. Now if you've been reading rite along through this mess you know that he already attempted to do that, in Arkansas, served me the papers on Christmas Eve, and then ultimately I had to file for those papers to be dismissed because he refused eventhough we were legally bound in New York. Yes I am well aware I married a monkey, well wait that's not true, monkeys are intelligent...

Through the whole conversation I didn't raise my voice, I didn't insult The King, I didn't cry, eventhough I was fighting the tears when he told me he "hated me and didn't want to spend one more day married to me"...but I didn't. I didn't cry. I didn't let him hurt me or affect my mood. I committed to staying calm, having an adult conversation, and I freaking succeeded! In those fourty five minutes he taked in circles about how I ruined his life, how much he hated me, how I was greedy and wasn't getting my hands on his deployment money, how he shouldn't have to pay for half of Addy's school, and that I should have to pay for half of her travel expenses to go see him, how I ruined his life and now he has to come home to an empty house and he just wants this over with...I'm sorry, did I hit you, did I cheat on you, did I tell you that you and OUR BABY had till Friday to get out of MY house? Do you still live in our family home that WE purchased, with all of our family stuff, is Adaline's crib still set up in her nursery that we decorated together for her, are you still sleeping in the bed we picked out together, with the bedding I saved for months for...are you still eating ramen noodles off my freaking pottery barn dishes. Well, yah I think you are. While I'm back in my parents basement, trying to pick up the pieces of the mess you made...starting over with nothing, while you stay in your little castle made of sand high and mighty hating on me!

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Okay maybe I would

Dont get your panties in a knot divas, I didn't say any of that! There was a lot of "okay, I'm sorry YOU feel that way" and "What would you like me to do to make it so you don't feel that way" halle-freakin-fraggin-lujah. I did it, I bit my sassy tongue, and I just let him be crazy crazy crazy. And in the end when he didn't get the reaction he wanted out of me, he said in a huff and a puff "Fine then, I'll just get a restraining order and take your ass to court here." Okay King, Okay.

Seriously? Whatthefuckingfuck?! It's amazing when I don't allow myself to get emotional, and choose not to get sucked in a board the crazy train how much I can really SEE the way he minipulates and abuses every single conversation, and probably always has. He is honestly crazy.

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It's about damn time...I know. I really feel like everything is starting to come together. I feel like I'm working through the stages of greiving this loss of the "family" I so desperately struggled to keep together for the last few months. I can finally see the man I married, or at least the man he's become, for who he really is. And yah' know what, I'm not even mad. I don't fault him for not being able to handle it. I mean yah, he's an abusive, lying, cheating douche bag, but that's who he is and he's not my problem any more. Amen. What a freaking blessing!!! I'm ending this work week thankful for the lesson in this disasterous mess, thankful that I get to go home and kiss my baby and I don't have to fight with anyone anymore, I don't have to tolerate anyone's abusive behavior anymore, I don't have to worry about someone else hurting my heart again because they decided not to call because they were too busy hiking with the next best thing...Girls, I'm growing. I'm so thankful for all of you, and my amazing family, and my beautiful little Addy. And really, I'm thankful for The King, I'm thankful for the life we lived and how strong it made me...even if I have my weak moments, I am who I am, and I am strong enough to start over, because I was strong enough to survive the crazy with him.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Weigh in Wednesday Week #7

Any one else having blogger/photo bucket photo upload issues today? This girl is. So this is going to be a text only post...lame I know.

Welcome to weigh in Wednesday {WIW}, Erin & I love that you all come back every week. Every week we see a few new faces and we just love to read everyones stories.

This week fit and tight Alex vacated my body, and Big Al moved rite on in. Between last week when I weighed in Wednesday morning at 194 {still 3 pounds up from my lowest weight earlier this month}...By Saturday morning I weighed 201 7 pounds in three days.Whatthehell. Well, alcohol for one. I retain water like a freaking blowfish. And my salty, carb ladden food choices weren't the best either. Today I weighed in at 194 again, thank the lord. But really, I'm so tired of gaining and loosing the same 5 pounds.

As you know if you've been reading for a while, I'm going through a divorce. The end of a seven year relationship with an abusive cheating little turd of a man. And it's tearing me apart. I was doing great while I was ignoring what was going on...but now that I see PJ on the reg, and she makes me actually deal with whats going on. I. AM. DRAINED. I find myself filling the bowl with rigatoni and butter with cheese but it's organic and the other night I found myself on the couch with chips and an oreo at 9 o'clock at night. I ate one handful and obviously the oreo too then I was like "Okay, what are you doing" I took them up to the kitchen and went back down and had a pitty party. I have not eaten potato chips in 6 months but for some reason I thought it was just a great idea to grab for that bag and dive rite in.

I still eat my protein shake for breakfast, have a think thin bar forlunch, fruit and unsalted cashews for snacks...but at night I'm having trouble controlling myself. Maybe because the hangry kicks in, and it's all over from there. I don't know.

I'm really focusing on the things that have changed since my weight loss... because as you all know by now, to me it's not the number that matters, it's the way YOU feel.

-I feel comfortabe with my body
-I have found my style again beyond yoga pants and Adam's t-shirts
-I love shopping and getting new clothes, it's pretty freaking awesome to go in the store and grab and size 11/12 off the rack and know I can just buy it because it will fit.
-I know how many calories are in things wether I choose to ignore that fact is neither here nor there I pretty much can look at a piece of pizza and say "do you really want to sweat for an hour for that thing?" uh hell to the yah. Instead of just focusing on the yummy cheesiness
-I can run. I can run next to the four wheeler as Dad pulls Addy in a tube, and keep up. I could never have done that 12 months and 90 pounds ago. neva eva eva
-I feel confident, I feel like I look good. I probably will never be the smallest girl in the room, but I feel like I look good.
-Food isn't the first thing on my mind all the damn time I think about the people I'm going to spend time with, not the food we are going to consume
-Most importantly I feel healthy and beautiful, I don't hate myself anymore

I have 25-40 pounds left to go till my ultimate goal. I'm still not sure what I will weigh when I finally feel healthy enough that weight loss is no longer the main focus, and instead I turn to weight maintence...

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Weigh in Wednesday #6...

Welcome to Weigh in Wednesday

Last week Kate from The Widgeon Nest posted about her belly woes. In her post she talked about this blog called the belly project instantly I loved it. You know me all about talking about the other part of weight loss...self image.

As women, or just human beings I guess, it is something that is with in us to criticize other people, and be especially hard on ourselves. I find the times I have the most difficult time dropping the el-bees is when my "inner voice" is negative. When I am hard on myself and feeling defeated, guess what...the scale defeats me, the numbers defeat me. Weight loss is as much, if not more, a mental battle with yourself.

Isn't this all of our ideal mid section?
This girl is 21, and currently has an eating disorder.
{that is a fact that she herself published}

This woman is 30, she is currently pregnant with her second child.

This woman is 19, she has had one pregnancy {vaginal birth}

This woman is 31, she has had three pregnancies.

This woman is 32, she has had two pregnancies.

My Point in sharing these pictures is to show you all that image we have in our head of what the "perfect" body is, and how far ours is from so wrong. Everyone has different body issues. We should be proud of our bodies, love ourselves, and love our "flaws" they make us human.

This is me today {unedited, but fuzzy bc I had to crop it}.
Weighing in at 194 pounds, up three from last week.
I have a ton of stretch marks.
My abs are starting to come through at the top.
Where there was once a cute belly button ring now a piece of skin that looks like a chicken neck.
I'm not embarassed.
For so long I wanted to stay fat, because I was afraid of what my body would look like once I lost the weight.
I'm not done yet, still 35 pounds to go till my initial goal weight.
But I can honestly say I am proud of those stretch marks
91 pounds down...
And I am proud of how hard I worked to get my stomach to look like it does today.

This is me June 9, 2010, the day before I gave birth.
I was weighing in at 285 pounds...on my 5'4 frame.
Since that day I have lost 91 pounds.
Two weeks after giving birth I weighed 275.
I yo-yoed for a good 18 months.
In Labor Day weekend of 2011 I decided it was time to change my life.
Since that day I have struggled through 81 pounds.
Crawled, cried, stomped my feet, sweated my butt off {literally}
But I didn't stop, and I'm not stopping now.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Health is the groundwork to hapiness...

I've got to be honest, with all of you and myself. I have been a bad bad girl the last two weeks. I have been in a funk as if you couldn't tell by my depressing posts. Being a single mom is just something I'm really struggling with right now. But putting my health on the back burner these last two weeks like I have isn't doing me any favors. I've been too depressed to move too far from my bed. I have litterally shit my pants because I chose to eat unhealthy things and my body wasn't happy with me at all.

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And I don't care if it makes me poop myself either

SO now I have to cleanse. And start over. Honestly this has to stop happening. I always have a good few months, then I completely fall apart. I didn't gain back the 94 pounds I have lost...I only gained 3. Which is a miracle the way I have been eating..I don't think I have been eating a lot. Actually I have been barely eating. But when your one meal you decide to eat is a cheeseburger and fries, or a slice of pizza and half a dozen boneless hot wings...then do nothing but snuggle with your baby all gain weight.

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I'm glad it only took two weeks and three pounds to wake me up again this time. In the past it has taken a month or so and atleast ten pounds. I'm getting better at recognizing when I slip into my old ways. Why is it so easy to go back? And what does feeling like a busted can of bisquits just want you to make more bad food decisions?

Addy has been a force to be reckoned with the last couple weeks, my sister was in the ICU last week, and Dad's work schedule has been wacky. No one has been home to eat dinner, so I haven't been cooking. I've been on auto pilot, and all the sudden I realize it's 6:30 and we haven't had dinner yet, so I run out and grab something. Life happens. We have set backs. It's how you recover from them that matters.

Addy's bed time has been a struggle. Her routine is messed up with all the confusion, so she's all like "bed, whats that? I want to partayyyyyy!" It has taken two hours fifteen thousand pinky promises, and I think I now sing you are my sunshine to myself to fall asleep since I've sang it so many times to her. My usual 7:30 work out time has completely disappeared, and by the time I get done fighting with her to get to sleep at 9:30 I want to collapse.

Last night at 8:15 I decided that she was going to cry wether I was there next to her crib or not, and I went down and exercised. I spent my 40 minutes doing Body Pump...then today packed my stuff to do a pinterest work out here at work because when you work at a tanning salon there isn't a whole lot else to do. It took 30 minutes to do that, and I could feel the stress melting away.

Working out makes me a better mom, it makes me less stressed, less likely to attack anyone and everyone with my quick tongue, it helps me not cry over jelly {yes I literally ugly cried making a pb&j this week} and it makes me feel good about myself. Eating right makes me feel healthy, and happy. Pizza and Wine do too, but only for so long...then I wake up the next morning bloated and hating myself. I don't want to feel that way anymore...this week I need reminders to take care of myself girls. When Mommy is happy, everyone is happy...and Mommy isn't happy.

My Pinterest circut work out for today:
50 jumping jacks
40 plie squats
30 blurpees
20 push ups
10 bicycle crunches
40 side lunges
20 bent over rows
20 bicep curls
15 tricep dips

reapeat x3. I did all of theses {besides the jumping jacks and blurpees} with a 15lb resistance band, easier to drag to work then dumbells!

Tonight I will do my body pump again, and watch teen mom 2 from the bike. Bahh.

Single Mother. The life of wife...

Single motherhood. Call me nieve but when I married my highschool sweet heart at the ripe age of eighteen, divorce was never ever a thought in little mind. And certainly when I gave birth eighteen months later, to our precious ten pound beauty single motherhood was not something that ever crossed my mind. You don't get married and plan a family to leave them. Apparently some men, lot's of "men" can't handle it, they self sabatoge, they cheat, they abuse, they leave.

Being a single mother is something that I find a lot of shame in. I feel like people look at me when I hold Addy's little hand, with no ring on my finger, and they think I'm some young stupid girl who got knocked up having unprotected drunk sex with a random stranger. They don't know that we planned for Adaline, that we expected it to take six months to get pregnant, at leastand were extrememly surprised when we saw that pink plus sign in the first two weeks. They don't know that we owned our own home, and that I drove a beautiful car. They don't know that we sacraficed, that Adam went to war multiple times, and I stayed home and waited. They don't know the struggle that you constantly have as the months lead up to them leaving...the way they retract and push you away. The way you struggle for months waiting, trying to do your best to keep the love alive, and send enough care packages to make sure they know you think about them every second. They don't know the stress that reintigration causes, and the panic that starts setting in after a few months of them being gone. Once you find your groove, it's time to start worrying about them coming home. You wait and wait and count down to that minute, drive around for hours in circles waiting for the plane to land so you can finally throw your arms around him. The national anthem plays, you cry tears of pride. You see him walk down those stairs and shake the hands of eveyone that is important, and your heart swells. You are so proud. You made it. You both did. Look how strong you are. He finally spots you in the the cry, he doesn't smile. Your Heart Breaks.

He peaks in the back of the suv and looks in at his little baby, who isn't the little baby he left earlier that year. Your heart breaks. He has you drive home because he hasn't driven anything in months, and the highway freaks him out. Your Heart Breaks. He drops his multiple huge bags on the floor as he walks through the door, and heads straight for the bed. To Sleep. Your heart breaks. You put the baby down for a nap, take off your sexy outfit, and make his dinner. And cry, he's safe, he's home, you can breathe. Your heart breaks. You go lay next to him and hold him, he cries, you make love, his eyes aren't the same. His body isn't the same. Your heart breaks. The tears fall, and you lay there holding eachother crying, ugly crying. Then the baby cries over the monitor, she's standing in her crib and has thrown everything onto the floor. You get up, wipe the tears, get dressed and go bring her into your bed. This is something that has become really normal for you, the crying, the surviving...your heart breaks. Days, weeks, months pass...he doesn't speak. You make yourself believe everything is fine, you smile, inside you cry, you made it, he made it. He made amazing friends while he was gone, and so did you. You have a new family. And you spend every free moment surrounded by them. You loose eachother. Your hear breaks. Around the fire on Saturday nights you hear stories he never told, stories you never wanted to hear. Ever. Your heart breaks. Later you hold him tighter, love him harder. You don't ask about the story, because if he wanted to tell you, he would have already told you. Your heart breaks.

Four months pass, and he's already got oreders...again. Your heart breaks. The next sixty days fly by...deployment check lists, trying to fit in all the family fun he will miss, you wash his clothes, you pack his bags, you make his favorite dinners, you cry and cry and cry, but he never knows. You can do this, you've done it before, you'll be fine, he will be fine. You know this isn't true. Nothing will ever be fine again. Your heart breaks. You don't speak at normal volumes any more, the amount of times that a simple question turns into you held up against the wall by your throat, is more then you'd like to count. Your heart breaks.

Through it all the only thing you can see is your little baby. You have to do this for her. She needs her father. A girl needs her Daddy. Before you know it the day has come, you wake up at two am, put the baby in the car, he drives to the plane. He hugs you both, kissses you a million times, and just one more like it's the last time he will every get to kiss you again, gets his stuff and walks away. You get into the drivers seat and watch your heart walk away...again. Your heart breaks. You drive home, blairing your sad heart soundtrack, and cry. Big ugly cry. Get it out and overwith. You pull in the garage, put the baby to bed and lay in bed and wait for the text to come that says he's on the plane. Your Heart Breaks. For the next fourty-eight hours you wait for the calls, then that final call saying "I'm here, I made it". Your heart breaks.

This time you know what to expect, or do you? Your friendships get stronger, your marriage gets weaker...In three years you have spent a total of ninteen months apart. He comes home, it's a lot of the're surviving, trying desperately to be a family again. It isn't working. More of the distance, more of the yelling, more of the being pushed up against the wall, both literally and figuritively. Your heart doesn't break anymore. You survive, you get through the day, you try your best to do everthing right, you are strong, you get strong, what choice do you have, really? You won't be a single mom, besides you practically already are. He started traveling as soon as his R&R leave ended. For two weeks he was yours...or was he? The months tick by, he's gone for a week, home for three days, gone again. Your life becomes a constant cycle of two am drop offs, last kisses, and first kisses. You are so lost. Your heart is already can't get any worse. But it's gotta get better, rite?

It doesn't. And before you know it, he comes home with a girl friend. He doesn't love you anymore. He tells you he hasn't loved you since the first time he left and came home. You fight to hold on. You will not be a single mother. You already do this won't do this alone alone. Your daughter needs a father, you need a will you look? What will everyone say? How are you going to start over? You refuse. Then it gets so bad that one day you find yourself locking him out of the house, you run across the street to your best friends house, leave the baby where she will be safe and loved. Something you've been doing more often then not the last two weeks...Before you know it you call home... You're packing your bags, saying goodbye to your home, hugging your friends, and saying goodbye to him. This isn't permanent, he will come after us. By Christmas we will be back here. Christams comes and Christmas goes...he doesn't come. He doesn't apologize. He doesn't beg. He doesn't cry. He doesn't care.

Your daughter will grow up with out a father. You are alone alone. You have to start over, you have to build a life, you have to be two people. You've done it before, this will be the same rite? Wrong.

Thirty percent of couples who married under the age of twenty end in divorce. Add that to the ten percent of military divorces...the odds weren't good.

I am a single mother. At age 22, after four years of marriage, I am a single mother. I hate to even use that term, so much negativity surrounds it. So much pressure is behind those five words, so much shame.

Adaline and I have been struggling to find our groove. We've spent more time kicking our feet, yelling at eachother and holding eachother crying then I ever expected before she turned thirteen. Making a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich with out ruining my makeup has now become a victory. Making it through the day with out falling to pieces has become a win. When did life turn into this? How did this happen? How do I fix it? I am a single mother...of a two and a half year old, struggling, crawling, falling apart. My heart is broken.