Weigh In Wednesday...

Everyone Needs To Fail Sometimes...

This week I'm feeling pretty defeated. On Monday I was pretty excited for the WOD. I had already known that it was tough, and that not everyone finished it, let's be real, most of us didn't finish it...but I love knowing it's going to suck. Well at least I thought I did. Monday was the FIRST time I couldn't finish. I hadn't  eaten properly, I had only had a protein shake and half a think thin bar I shoved down my throat on the way to class. It used to be okay to get busy and not eat...that is not okay anymore. I thought I was going to pass out at the end of the third round when it was time to run, we were supposed to do two down and backs, I only did one. I have been pissed about it ever since. I need to feed my body with fuel to support the kind of results and progress I want. Eating less then 600 calories all day then trying to do an insane WOD...b a d idea. Then last night I got there, and we ended up talking about The King, I cried, I got upset, when it was time to start all I could think about was him, then when I went to bed last night that's all I thought about...that and the fact that I didn't break 90* with my wall balls #crossfitgirlproblems. I let him take away my special time that I cherish every day, I went to pick Addy up and felt like I didn't even work out...Wednesday is usually my rest day, but I'm going tonight...I need to have a good workout after two failures to snap out of this funk!

Over the last month I have been up and down on the scale, so I decided to stop weighing myself every single day & now just do it Wednesday mornings. Yesterday morning I was 184, and I realized that my goal 18 months ago when I started to loose weight was 185. I made it to my first goal, and didn't even realize it. Honestly I would be fine if that number never changed...I did the things I wanted to do, I fit in my old clothes, I can run if I need to, eventhough it is still not something I "enjoy" and I am a hell of a lot healthier then I was 114 pounds ago.

BUT today, I am not happy with where I am. Today my goals were different then they were over a year ago when I started this process. Today I want to be strong. I want to be fit...I want muscles. Something I always thought looked weird on a girl, but that was because I didn't think I could have them...now I know I can and I want them!

I've set a new goal for myself...the number I have in my head is 145, so that's what 40 more pounds? I want to be there by the end of August. I don't even know what 145 pound Alex will look like. The smallest I ever remember being was 155 pounds...and I was fourteen. I'm not so focused on the number as I am just being strong...but let's be real, that number would be awesome!

I've been talking a lot about food lately because just like exercise it is a essential part of any weight loss, or muscle gain. Over the last 18 months I kind of just ate whatever as long as I was eating less then 1,100 calories a day wine calories don't count right? That worked for a long time, I would hit a plateau when I wasn't as strict with my eating for a few weeks, maybe even a month, then I would clean it up and start over. The cycle kept repeating itself...and I stopped loosing. Now I spend 2-3 hours a week meal prepping and don't have to think about it again for the rest of the week. Now when I looke at my food I see protien, and carbs insted of calories. It is never beneficial to binge, then starve yourself, or restrict your calories down to 1,100...I was an idiot. Had  I picked up some heavy things and started feeding myself for fuel I would have reached my new goal a long time ago.

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