Friday, November 30, 2012

Friday is My Second Favorite F Word...

This week has been interesting, and I am beyond relieved Friday has come.
I have been sicker then a dog all week, I finally have enough sudafedrine in my body to make a methhead jealous
I'm beginning to feel pretty good...{score}
I plan to spend tonight with the Divas && Momma needs a freakin' drannnkkk
Afterall there is so much to celebrate.
I can honestly say for the first time in a long time I am proud to say...
"I am not with stupid cheating, no good, lying, psyco anymore"

Yes tonight, and every day from here forward I will be doing that dance.
And secretly imagining wearing that shirt...
Every freaking day for the rest of my life.
I know I should have realized the day I caught Adam The Devil cheating on my I should have been doing that dance.
But the truth is {and I'm not proud to say it} I wasn't.
No matter how big of a psycopath he may be, he's still my Adam, the guy I fell in love with is still in there some where...
WAKE UP CALL SISTA He's not in there anymore, he's gone & you should be bowing down and kissing the ground thanking Lucifer that Adam fell victim to his un-godly desires, and fucked fell in love with another woman.
Because that sets you free...
You don't have to be the bad guy for leaving simply because he was insane.
Or you didn't love him anymore.
Or you couldn't take one more fight.
Or you couldn't be blamed for one more thing.
Or you couldn't tolerate one more deployment.
Or you couldn't bear the thought of untangling his underwear from the covers..
just one.more.time
Or because you hated him. You grew to hate him..
&& you let yourself feel guilty for that.
You don't have to feel any guilt for your decision.
Afterall YOU did what any woman with half a brain would do.
You packed your crap, picked up your princess, and RAN as fast as you could away from that shitshow.

Now I have been talking to Adam most every day since the day I left. I just wanted my family back, I couldn't believe he was really willing to leave US {Addy and I}. And I'm not proud to admit it but I begged him to let us come home once, twice, about a hundred times.
Apparently the text messages he continued to send "his sandia" yes, he really had a nick name for the dirty skank, it means watermellon in spanish, also is the name of a mountain range in New Mexico...that they hiked while on thier little romantic trip together..
didn't convince me he was not worth it.
Apparently him returning red box movies just to use McDonald's wifi to talk to her {and leaving the redbox movie he was "returning" on the kitchen table}
didn't convince me he was not worth it.
Apparently the first time he hit me when I was pregnant with Addy
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.
Apparently the fact that he never felt our child kick in my stomach
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.
Apparently the fact that he never ever ever got up at night to change a diaper so I could rest and heal
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.
Apparently the fact that nomatter what I did right, he would always be the first to point out that one thing I did wrong
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.
Apparently the constant control and verbal abuse
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.
Apparently the divorce party he and his friends threw the weekend I left {complete with "Fuck Bitches Get Money T-Shirts, nasty girls from Bdubs recruited simply for the fact that they were a sure thing, a divorce cake, and a blow job chart}
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.

BUT this week I didn't talk to him one bit, finally!
And I feel stronger then ever, and confident in my decision.
Finally I realize he wasn't worth it...ever.
But with out his sperm I wouldn't have the most beautiful thing I have ever had in my entire life...
My Addy.
And she always will be.
Because his stupid ass doesn't want her.
Because his selfish ass traded my giving up spousal support in favor of full custody with no visitation rights with out even as much as a blink of his pretty long eyelashes.

And last night when he texted me to ask when I planned on filing the divorce papers...
And I happened to leave out the fact that I couldn't legally file for a year...
I asked him why it mattered...did he plan on marrying that homewrecking whore, or moving her into my house {maybe she could use Addy's crib for their filthy child to sleep in}...
He said no {I don't believe him}
And he also said he planned on filing for divorce in Arkansas
Now the little shit doesn't have the money to pay his full child support amount
BUT he has the money to file for divorce {he's a winner I know}
Not to mention it's a complete waste of money because we are already legally seperated in the beautiful state of new york...
Where there is no sympathy for men who walk away from their families...
And decide not to pay child support.
I realized after he bagered me for at least 45 minutes...
That he is infact the dumbest person I have ever laid eyes on.
That he is a LOOSER
That he is a LIAR
That he doesn't care about Me or Addy, he only cares about himself
That he is a control freak who couldn't stand 5 days of me ignoring him
That he tries to control, threaten, and bully me {on a regular basis} and I never even realized it

Life will go on.
Adam will one day just be the man who fathered my child.
Nothing more.
He will be in our past, and no longer in our lives.
And I cannot wait for that day to come.
Only 9 months...and counting...
Tonight I'm celebrating, I'm happy to be single {if it means not having to deal with that psyco one more day of my life}, I'm happy I have such amazing friends & family, I'm happy I have such a beautiful, smart, funny child, I am happy I was strong enough to leave, I am HAPPY to be starting over. I have so much to celebrate, and so much to be thankful for. And today I can honestly say I finally see my marriage to that horrible man for what it was, and see him for who he really is. The veil has been lifted, and I am ready to enjoy my life...WITH OUT HIM.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Must Love Dogs....and Children

Just coming out of an awful, no good, very very bad marriage The Divas and I thought it might be a good idea to make a list of criteria a future husband must meet. Eventually I will date, just not until our divorce is finalized, because unlike adam The Devil I don't think it's appropriate to date while you are still legally married. Especially while you're still sleeping in bed next to your wife every night and not mentioning to her you are also getting it in with some other dirty nasty soulless woman. Being back in this small town again, I think I'm going to have to resort to the world of online dating. I just don't have the time or patients to weed out the losers, I'd prefer for the experts at match to do that for me.

1. No Children...yes it may be a little hypocritical, since I have a child. BUT there are days I can barely mother my own flesh and blood, I could never something that I didn't carry in and birth from my own loins. Plus I have enough babymamadrama of my own, I don't want any one else's.

2. Must Love Dogs...and people. Adam was a miserable self-serving human being, and hated anything or anyone that didn't have anything to offer him. So Prince Charming...he's gotta love dogs. Is there anything cuter then a man with his pup riding shot gun, I don't think so.

3. No Ugly Feet or Dad Jeans...I hate socks...expecially in bed. If your feet are so ugly I cringe when they graze mine in bed...that is a problem. And as for the "dad jeans" Mandy Pants was set up on a blind date with a guy we like to refer to as "dad jeans" yes, he really wore tapered leg, high waisted go with his white new balance sneakers. That IS a deal breaker.

4. Nice Mother...My last MIL could be compared to "The Dragon Lady" in the movie Monster In-Law...not going down that road again.

5. Should be able to remember the first name of every woman they have been with...the less chances of them having and STD or illegitimate child they have never met, the better.

6. Must like naps...this girl loves a good nap, and naps are always so much better if you have someone who likes to hold you while you sleep.

7. Likes to Get His Hands Dirtayyy...there is just something about callouses, and muscles from hard work that really get my juices flowing. Bonus points if he knows what to do under the hood of a car...preferably shirtless and covered in grease.

8. Foreplay & Fifty Shades...Now my FH is going to need to have an idea of foreplay that consists of more then his morning wood being poked into my backside. There is nothing alluring about that at all and all you men need to stop doing it. Read Fifty, read it again {and again and again} memorize it and get familiarized with Christian Grey style "kinky-fuckery" After all the key to a woman's heart is a romantic man who can also pull her hair and smack her bootayyy.

9. Must Do Laundry...I loved every minute of being a housewife...besides the laundry. I hate laundry, and you get super bonus points if you like to fold {and wash and iron AND put away} the family laundry.

10. Must Love Kids & Believe in God....On our last day together when I realized Adam was not going to ever give me what I wanted...he told me "he didn't want anymore kids ever, and he didn't believe in God." Now there is nothing I like more then being pregnant, and jesus is my savior, so my man has gotta know all the words to "Grace Like Rain" or at least be willing to learn them.

11. Must Be Independently Successful...being married to a military man, I have made enough sacrifices for a lifetime in just 4 short years. I would like to actually get to see my FH more then a few times a month, and I would like to not have to move away from my family again. Never ever again. Also I would like to focus on my career, and making babies, I'd like for war to not get in the way of that.

12. Must NOT Cheat...{or hit, or yell} seems like a no-brainer I know, but I can attest to the fact first hand that there are some men boys that don't know that none of those things are appropriate.

I'm sure by the time everything is finalized, the papers are signed, and the glorious day comes that I am awarded full custody of Addy Bear, I will have other things added to the list. For example, must have a vehicle, must not live in his mother's basement, must be devilishly handsome {not to be confused with being the actual devil}, and obviously he must love my little Addy!!!!

Celebrity Sightings Link Up...


Now I am never one to skip a linkup, {especially if Holly or Lora are involved} but I really couldn't think of a time I ever met a celebrity...then it dawned on me I was married to one...
I was married to AdamDerek Jeter
Cute rite?
Also the pompous asshat the tabloids make him out to be...
We were together for a cumulative 7 years {3 years of dating 4 years of marriage}
And made one beautiful little bear cub together
Whenever we went out people would always see our NY plates and his Yankees hat..
And they would ask him if he was Derek Jeter... {I mean obvies he is}
We would just laugh at them...
And then they would go back to calling the hogs like nothing ever happened
{woo pig souiee}
One time at Cracker Barell one lady was so excited to see a "celebrity" she came up to our table and talked to us
And insisted on buying our dinner.
Freaking weird but I'm not one to pass up free food {or any food at all for that matter}
Now he could really swing that bat ;)
BUT he also liked to slap a ho from time to time.
One didn't really make up for the other.
This past August I caught Derek cheating on me... {I know how dare he?}
SO I left his sorry butt
All the money in the world & magazine cover photo-ops couldn't make me stay
I took our baby & headed back home to the beautiful state of New York
My people are currently in contact with In-Touch Weekly...
But I keep telling them, I am keeping my story exclusive for my special place here on the inter webs <3

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Weigh in Wednesday...waaattt? && Link Ups

Hey Girl, Hey....
I woke up this morning, and I'm s i c k
Fever, can't get warm, then I'm sweating with chills, sore throat, head ache
I can't remember the last time I was this sick
Maybe it's because I am home with my Mommy, so I can be sick. Rite?
When you're a stay at home mom with an idiot husband and living 1400 miles from all relatives, you just don't get the privlidge of being sick.

Anyways, The Divas & I spent yesterday working on some material for a silly blog post, but my head feels like it's going to explode at any second. So that's going to have to come later in the week. For today, I'm just going to do my usual wednesday link ups & promote a "Pay it Forward" holiday campaign some of my favorite bloggers are hosting.

Oh yah duhhh! I almost forgot Weigh in Wednesday, clearly not happening...
I feel like death, & I didn't feel like stripping down to my undies to weigh today.
So next week I will...ehhh I promise.

From Holly @ Where We Can Live Like Jack and Sally

Mama Laughlin asked Aly and I to help her with a Holiday Pay it Forward campaign. We want to get this little blogger village together to help those in need during the holidays.

I know I complain a lot about the shoebox we live in... and my green shaggin' wagon... and how daycare wipes their ass with all of the money I pay... But the bottom line is that I have a pretty good life.

Right now, times are tough for a lot of people. I have seen bankruptcy and foreclosures first hand in my own family this year.

There are people without health insurance, without heat, without the ability to provide their children gifts during the holidays. People just like you and me... who you think might have it together, but are bursting at the seams...

If you or anyone you know is in need of something {anything!} this season, please send an email, with background story, to:

We want to read your stories... and post them on our blogs for our little blogger village to step in and help.

Please share this with anyone you know to spread the word...

Now For My Wednesday Link-ups:
Feel free to join, just make sure to follow the rules :)

Followers to Friends: Linking up each and every Wednesday

Random Wednesday with Shanna @ Because Shanna Said So

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Tuesday is My Monday

Helene in Between
Today is "Tell Me About it Tuesday" and I am going to tell you about my weekend...exciting I know rite? But I promise it actually was interesting...

Tuesday is my Monday...
And boy it sure feels like it.
Did anyone else have trouble getting back into their routine this week?
I know when my alarm went off this morning I was NOT happy about it
I even laid in bed an extra 5 minutes trying to convince myself to get the eff up...

I have been lazy this holiday weekend, though Mandy Pants and I did do our sunday walk again. In the f r e e z i n g cold, but it was still nice to get out of the house. I put Addy in her snow suit, strapped her in the stroller, and off we went. Mandy and I thought it was hilarious Addy Girl looked like she wanted to kill someone, and literally wined for at least 40 minutes of our 1 hour walk, so I just parked the stroller on the side of the bike path and left her there till we were done oops! I mean I thought about doing that, the entire walk...meanwhile we tried to convince her we were going to build a snowman, because clearly she was wondering "Mom, what the freak other reason is there to be in a snowsuit?" well there is still no snow on the ground, so that didn't happen. SHH don't tell Ad that you need snow to build a snowman...Eventaully I think she figured out we were not telling her the truth, so we had to switch and bribe her with a playground. Which was both adorable and effing miserable ((for me)) I would like to think of it as Karma, as Addy went down the slide laughing and smiling, I do believe she was thinking "ha Mom, stand there and freeze, don't worry we will build a snowman when I'm done, so be a good girl." She is the best, and I love her, even if she was a devil this weekend. Decorating the tree we couldn't keep her off the ladder, she thought it was the funniest thing e v e r I love that now when she does something naughty she laughs at herself, and yells at me "No Mom I Not" when I ask her to stop. I told you all I was married to The we will just say she gets it from her fathaaaa.






On Saturday our Breakfast with Santa, went could say. Now, I am a control faaaareak like to have a plan. I always set myself up for failure, a l w a y s. I plan out how a scenario will go, usually I am taking a hit off the ole' crack pipe when I'm dreaming up these fantasy scripted moments, that we all know never go the way we plan ESPECAILLY with a toddler. Well, I thought my pretty pretty princess would be so excited, love her pretty dress, run rite into "Santy's" arms joyfully, and just all around have a good time. NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. She threw tantrums, because she was gonna do what she wanted to do, and if that meant scaling the Cristmas Tree covered in pink feathers and Disney Princesses, well that's what she was gonna do, and if she couldn'd do that she damn sure was going to yell at anyone and everyone that went near that tree. ((The event was held at "The Festival of Trees" an event put on every year, a bunch of people submit trees or wreaths with different themes, and they get auctioned off. All proceeds go to a school in our area for special needs children.)) I'm really not kidding, she stood by that flipping tree and yelled at the other kids "No girl! NO my princess" By the time we were there for 10 minutes, my head was spinning and I had green goo spewing from every orfice in my face I was wishing someone spiked the orange juice. I don't know who was the bigger brat in reality...Me or my child. At least she has an excuse...she's two...what's my excuse!?! I need to learn to let go, and take my anti-psychotics on time in order to avoid these type of circumstances.


I have been a raging bitch for months, and my family in the last couple weeks has clued me in on that. Not so gingerly, that's for sure, BUT I needed a nice punch in the face, more then once. No, they didn't really cause any bodily harm, but they basically told me to cut the crap, put on my big girl panties (not to be confused with fat pants) and MOVE ON. Stop being a bitch, and get MAD. Use my struggle to find some progress. I am so blessed to have my supportive family, my amazing sistafranns, and my sometimes always precious Adaline. It could be worse, like for example, I could be living alone away from family, in a home surrounded by pictures of my wife and child, that my loving dedicated wife decorated, waking up every morning next to a nasty skank that will never ever be able to give me any thing close to the life that I threw away. Sorry. Please excuse that last part, I have this new form of turrets, instead of swer words, I spew bitter evilness from my oral pore.

So from now on I vow not to:
Call, text, email, stalk, or make excuses for Adam.
Take my family for granted.
Share my babymammadramma with my friends
...all the time
Look for something positive every time I have a negative thought
P R A Y to stay confident in God's timing & be patient
Look for the bigger picture
Look only forward and stop looking back

Now, for some MORE Pictures of the weekend, they are blurry as can be, and not that good, because SOME idiot cough ME cough forgot to put the memory card in the was the cherry on top of our Saturday morning.

I'll just give Santa an "air five" thankyouverymuch





Friday, November 23, 2012

Friday Ramblings...

First of all I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving surrounded by all the people you love and hopefully they love you back!
I can definitely say that Adaline and I did!
This was the first holiday in the history of holidays that one of the twenty five bazillion of us didn't cry, fight, or punch eachother rite in the face
I'm not even kidding...
Thanksgiving Eve while we were helping Nana get stuff ready she "jokingly" told us what they said on "The Chew" what was not appropriate for Thanksgiving Table Conversation.

1.Polotics...afterall some of us are still a little wounded from the out come of the election, and my Grandfather MAY most definitely would have had a heart attack if he had to hear some of my cousins talk about their world views.

2.Absolutely Under NO Circumstance Announce You're Going To Rehab...No I'm not even kidding, and yes my family is REALLY that c r a z y!

3. NO Anouncing You're Pregnant...though I really think for the next 5 years atleast, I will be the only parent in the crowd. While everyone likes to play with Adaline, they think children are gross...I know they're really weird. SO the next one to get pregnant will probably be me in a bagillion years, after my divorce to The Snake is finalized, and Prince Charming falls from the heavens and rite into my l a p!

3. NO Announcing Engagements...I think Holidays are a good time to do things like that...everyone is all together for one of the three times a year that they actually are forced to be in the same room BUT apparently it's not socially acceptable.

4. NO "Diet" Talk...Nan says it will make others feel bad, as their shoving their faces at a record pace, meanwhile you are chomping on celery talking about loosing weight. ((By the way, just for the record, I did NOT chomp on any celery...that wasn't stuffed with cream cheese that is.)) Two of my Aunts are former fatties who lost a T O N of weight a few years ago, and the rest of us of course are on the constant rollercaoster of up and down, so we are all always dieting. Just not on Holidays. Extra Gravy and Butter please... yesterday was definately a carb day for everyone! Besides my cousin that is, he spent the day vomiting away his hangover...maybe that's why he's the only skinny one...we all need to drink excessively, and skip big family meals because we can't get out of the bathroom. Probably not the best plan.

5. Button The Lip...yah, we really do usually fight, cry, and hurt eachother's feelings BUT yesterday was really sucessful. No one got mad at anyone, no one cried, no one offended Poppa... And we were all on our best behavior But we still have to make it through Christmas! But maybe that's because none of us were drinking now that I think about it. Maybe we need to have more sober holidays!!...that will never happen.

Now Nana said all this in a "joking" manner BUT I think she was really actaully serious...and it worked! I really enjoyed my family yesterday, I was thankful no one talked or asked about Adam, and when I felt like someone was going to, I just avoided eye contact! ha I'm not even kidding, it was like the thing Addy does when she know's I'm going to try to make her do something she doesn't want to do...If I can't see you you're not there, if I can't see you I definitely can't hear you! Adaline however when we stopped giving her gum told everyone her Daddy was going to the store to get gum, on a one knew what to say and just looked at me, and I just was like "uhhhh shoot me I don't know what she's talking about, please excuse me while I go throw myself out the window" Adam has never been around for the Holiday's, he has been deployed the last three years September/October-January. Mandy Pants ((of course because she's the bomb diggity)) pointed out that obviously GOD did that on purpose to make this lovely living hell easier for me...or well at least we wouldn't look back at past years family photos and be sad that he won't be there this year, because Adaline and I are the only ones in them! SCORE! Truthfully, he hasn't been there for a whole lot in the last 4 years of our marriage, so eventhough it feels like there's a hole inside me...I don't think its HIM I'm missing, I think it's the idea of him, and the "beautiful" life we had. I can honestly say I did not miss Adam, although it was absolutely awful to hear Addy missing him. Lately I have been having dreams at night about me walking across the stage in my cap and gown, 50 pounds thinner of course, instead of nightmares about Adam with his new family. I think it's safe to say I'm letting go of how I thought my life was going to go, and ready to take a leap into the future, with all the people who love Addy and I by my side to support me, and make a life for me and my baby bear!


I ate like a cow yesterday, well honestly looking at years past, I think I ate less, I didn't finish my first plate, didn't get a second, and didn't eat myself into a coma. That's a good sign. Later in the day, I DID have extra mashed potatoes, becaue ohhh baby they are my favorite, and I honestly do not think I have eaten them in at least 6 months. Nothing better then a bowl full of butter, and starch. I didn't eat any rolls though...I am a recovering bread addict,((I've only completed through step 5 of 7))...needless to say I was really proud of my self. I'm that person who would literally hide in a closet with fresh bread and a stick of butter, well actually I never did that (suprisingly) BUT I did often eat it as I cooked AND cleaned up dinner.Today I am drinking my protein shake in my new awesome Blender Bottle, and I feel like a muscle woman...because obviously, drinking out of the cup just instantaniously rockets you to skinny beastdom. If only. It really does work though, and I'm thoroughally impressed, no clumps in my shake this morning!

Once I get out of work today (yes I am one of the unlucky ones who didn't get a four day weekend) I have to go christmas dress hunting for addy and I, tomorrow we have breakfast with Santa! SO excited, she practically spontaneously combusted when she saw him at the Macy's Day Parade yesterday (yes we did watch it, and no I didn't poke my eyes out) She will most definately have a heart attack tomorrow when she sees "Santa" in real life. Wish me luck, and say a little prayer for me, hopefully by 3:00pm when I go all the crazies will have gone home to rest. I loathe Black Friday, and will not fight someone for ANY material thing!...within reason ;)

Stay tuned tomorrow for more pictures of Pretty Princess with "Santyyy" Hopefully all you freakshows that woke up at 2:00am to brave the crowds to save $50 on a toy for your snotty nose kid wonderful little child made it out alive!!


Happy Black Friday Everyone

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Weigh in Wednesday...& Random Wednesday Link Up

Lot's to get in today, and Addy is being a major she should probably move into the garbage can & we can call her Oscar. So I'm going to try to make this quick!

1. Random Wednesday Link Up with Shanna
Thank you to Lora from Raising Steppe Sisters for the link! Click the button below to link up with Me, Lora, Shanna && many others!

2. Weigh in Wednesday...

Well the number on the scale today was 201
WHICH is actually a 6.6 pound loss this week...
Last Monday I was at 202, then Wednesday at 207.6 ((seriously))
SO I was very relieved to see that this week I lost one pound from my original weight and then all of the poundage I packed on from my poor eating at the beginning of last week!
It was nice this week to spend time on Sunday with Mandy Pants & Rach going for a walk!
It is ALWAYS a good thing when you can squeeze exercise and girl time in at once!
Of course we followed our 5 mile walk with a pizza party but hey, I still lost weight
Weight loss is really all about balance
I do NOT believe in cheat days
BUT I do believe you should eat the things you want and not deprive yourself
It's all about moderation people
That being said MOST weekdays my diet consists of a protein shake in the morning mixed with coffee and vanilla almond milk, a granola bar for lunch, then I will eat dinner with my family.
So I'm still only consuming 1000-1300 calories which is a normal number for weight loss
Then at night I am doing my body pump which burns up to 900 calories an hour...
I don't know exactly how much I burn...
But hopefully Santa will be bringing me the Polar FT4 of my dreams so I can know exactly how much work I'm putting in & if I need to work harder!
This week was my first successful week since I have been home
In total I have gained 12 pounds since moving back early September
This week alone I lost 6.6 of those pounds!
Do the math...6.6x3,500=23,100...
That means I burned 23,100 more calories then I consumed!!
And I didn't feel hungry or deprived one bit!
So I am pleased!!
Very Pleased...

3. Pictures of my Pretty Pretty Princess: Woot Woot!










Happy Thanksgiving Eve Day Everyone!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Welcome to This Little Blog of Mine...

I'm sure most of you are here because you saw me featured today on Holly's blog, Where We Can Live Like Jack and Sally If not, you gotsta check her out!!

I wanted to say hello to everyone, I'm excited you've come and taken the time to check out this little blog of mine. Please Subscribe to my blog, I will do a give away once I reach 50 followers. It's going to be a basket of all my favorite things from the beautiful Adirondack Park in Upstate New York, where I call home!! So follow me so you can get a chance to win the yummy goodies!!

A little about me:

I am a newly single mother to a beautiful two year old little girl, My Addy Bear.
I started this blog as a fitness blog to keep me accountable.
But that was before my spineless lovely husband decided he didn't want his family anymore.
Now lately it has turned into more of a mish mash of everything.
I'm still on my fitness journey, 85 down, 40 to go...
BUT lately I get on to blog about fitness and it turns into me blabbing about my insane life.
Recently, since moving back to New York & falling "off the wagon"
I'm back on!
Follow me as I find my new self, and shed these last 40 pounds this winter!
I hope to make you laugh, and apologize if I make you cry.
My life is crazy, but I am trying to find some normalcy...
My place in this world after 4 years of being a military spouse & stay at home mom.

Check out my The Ugly Truth Post to see where it all began && get a little back ground on my weight loss journey!

Also in the new year My bestie Mandy Pants & I are enbarking on a journey we like to call 52 in 52. We are going to do something new and crazy every week, yah know another type of pilgrimage in a way...except not the skinny jean kind, the find yourself kind. I promise it will be hilarious, we are two crazyyyyy divas.

One Of the thigs on our list, actually the biggest and most important to me is to run the half marathon next fall in Lake Placid, New York

I started my Body Pump 90 day challenge last week, I feel pretty successful. I've done it 4 times in the last 6 days, and the day I skipped I walked 5 miles with Addy and Mandy Pants. It felt good to get out in the fresh air and sweat a little...well if it weren't jack frost flipping cold maybe we would have actually sweat. I haven't weighed yet, thats tomorow...WEIGH IN WEDNESDAY. Stay tuned, let's see if my work paid off at all this week, I ate like a freak so I'm not expecting anything amazing...but I have made a real effort!

Thanksgiving Link-up


1. What do you look forward to more: the food, football or parades?
Honestly, I don't really look forward to any of those things. Parades, make me want to stab my eyes out, Football isn't my think, though I love the joy and bonding time it offers the boys in my family, and the food, of course I love the food! BUT this year I am trying to not go into a turkey coma...SO this Thanksgiving, I am looking most forward to seeing my extended family, I've lived away from home, in 2009 I relocated to hell Arkansas, with Adam for his Air Force Career. For four years I haven't seen the people I love, and THAT is what I look most forward to this holiday season.

2. What is your favorite non-traditional Thanksgiving Day dish?
This is a tough one because I think we eat all the normal turkey n' fixins. The dish I am looking most forward to, is my Aunt Pen's Cheese Cake!! Ahh I will be saving calories for a slice of that heaven, that is for SURE!

3. After dinner, is it football or a nap?
Well, I'm a mom of a toddler, so after dinner it's a balance of helping Nana clean up,chasing Addy around the house, which will be packed with 20+ people, and getting in some serious bonding time!

4. Do you watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Which is your favorite float?
Refer above, parades are just not my thing...although while we have thanksgiving breakfast we DO watch it, and I really think Adaline will enjoy it this that means I will enjoy watching her smile and get excited over the floats!

5. Where do you go to celebrate and eat your big meal? Who is there (family, friends)?
We go to my Dad's Mother & Father's house. It's the only one big enough to fit all 22 of us. All of my Dad's 4 brothers & sisters and their families will be there!

6. What is your favorite turkey day dessert?
Hands down. Home made cheesecake

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

If I could write a letter to me...

Adopted from one of my most favorite bloggers, Holly, from Where We Can Live Like Jack And Sally. If you haven't read her blog DO IT, she is so whitty. Every day I am entertained by Holly. From tales of Dennis the Menace, Olive Betty, High School Flash Backs & her weight loss journey, Holly never disappoints & always puts a smile on my face!

"Letter to Myself
I have seen this series all over the web, blog moms and celebrities alike. I was drawn to the idea because when I was 16, I often thought about where I would be today."

With All that has been going on in my life lately, I decided to write a letter to myself as a teenage girl. When you expirence a difficult time in your life, it seems, well for me anyways, you think back to what you would change. So here it goes...what I would do different!

Dear Alexandra (16),

You are wise beyond your years, your heart is bigger than this universe, please be careful who you allow into it. Lately, you haven't been being very careful crayy crayy girl. I know you have had your heart broken by the blonde boy you thought you would spend eternity with, but well Babe, it just didn't work out that way. ((And trust me you will be glad it went the way it did. He's a weirdo now, and is up his crazy parents behinds, he even works for Napoleon)) BUT all the boys in the world couldn't fill that void inside you.

This year you December you will have two boys who both want your hand...actually three. Go with the one that doesn't make any promises and just wants to hold your hand, make you laugh and be your friend. He's really a great guy, and now he's sucessful and even more handsome then ever. He will make a great partner for you, even if it's not forever. Please do not give your heart to the tan skinned, dangerously handsome, boy who you have had your eye on since the 6th grade. I know, I know, you used to listen to the Eagles when you were younger and every time you heard "The Boys Of Summer" verse
"I can see you,
Your brown skin shining in the sun.
You got your hair combed back
And your sunglasses on, baby.
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong

You thought of him...And I can tell you this, you love for him will
always be strong, however, his love for you won't be. He's not the kind of guy that sticks around when stuff gets tough. He is not the Christian man you need to lift you up, and build a strong foundation for a family with. There's a reason he's that handsome...he has to be to make up for all his flaws. Soon the magic will wear off and you will see him for who he is. Save yourself the pain...listen to Daddy.

I know you just tore your ACL, but baby girl, don't give up soccer. You do not need to trade something you love for boys. This is a very important lesson for you to learn now! Never loose sight of who you are. Fufill your dreams, and that does NOT mean modify them to fit someone elses, you won't ever be happy.

Don't stay home and go to college locally. Go away to college, work hard, play soccer, and find yourself. You are strong, you can and will do anything you set your mind to. Hint Hint...that means do well these next 3 years in highschool, take your SATs, get into St.Lawerence University, and be a pharmacist like you want to be. ((Trust me, you'll thank me later))

Get your dang lisence, and do NOT be a snob about a car. Take whatever Mom & Dad can give you. You need your independence, you need to have fun.

Don't let anyone come before your girlfriends. You will be very lonely with out them, don't cover that up with a boyfriend. ((especially the handsome tan one))You will need them.

Quit your job at ACE when Corey does, and go apply at Eternal Sun! You will meet a shy girl named Amanda there. She will be your best friend. You will be there for her and she will be for you. She will be the only friend you can really count on through the tough stuff your bound to face! She may be shy now, but wait till you see the D I V A she grows into. She will surprise you every day, and you can trust her. I know others have let you down, she won't. Pinky Promise.

Take this letter however you want and change things as you see fit. But please, please, please....rember you are beatiful, you are strong & you deserve the world. You probably will marry the tan one. Adam will make you laugh, and you will have a beautiful home and child together. But he will leave. And you will have to start over, that's never fun. Make your education a priority, make you a priority before you run off to follow his military career, and make your life all about him. He will respect you more for it, and when he does leave, you won't be struggling to find your place in this beautiful world. You will already HAVE your place.

I love you, always be you. Go with your gut, and remember, Daddy is always rite. Don't let your discernment you get from him be cloudded by the big heart filled with sunsine, rainbows and optimism that you get from Momma. Both are wonderful gifts, but use them appropriately. Charish every single day, and stop living for the next one!


You ((at 22))

Every Time I don't, I almost do...

I told you all I was going to work out starting again this week
...and I did.
Last night at 7:15 once Boz had been watched, teeth had been brushed, toys had beeb picked up, and "you are my sunshine" had been sang
I went rite down to the family room & put in my body pump
For some reason it shut off 5 minutes in...
What's more annoying then having to stop 5 minutes in to fix the dammned dvd player?
I thought to myself.."eh must be a sign, I will just go get my tan, and do my grocery shopping"
BUT I went and fixed the dvd and finished my other 40 minutes
AND I am so proud of myself.
I could barely get up after stretch, let alone drive to the tanning salon, and walk around the market

This morning is another story...
I wanted to throw my cell phone in the fire as soon as the alarm went off and prentend I never heard it
And when I got dressed I dug for my old softest 14's because I wanted my big comfy jeans...
Unfortuinately sweat pants just are not appropriate for the work place, so the "big" jeans were the next best thing
I could barely get my legs into them, they were so sore from squats
I did it and I'm proud, and tonight I am going to do it again!!


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Reasons & Excuses

SO yesterday I had to go to the doctors.
I had been dreading it really, for the same reason I think most of us do
The scale at the doctor's always is a L I A R
Though that is what we tell ourselves I think by now we all know, that is just not the truth. At All.
The Scale NEVER lies.

Well...surprise suprise, I gained weight.
I am now officially over 200lbs again, 202.
It was probably the jeans I was wearing...or maybe my scarf

That means I have gained 7 pounds since I moved home 10 weeks ago.
I don't know how that happened?...HA I know EXACTLY how that happened
MAYBE it was the fact that I've been eating all the things that I know I'm not supposed to, not doing one bit of exercise because it is too dang cold to run outside, drinking lots of alcohol with my girlfriends, which I know is the sweet nectar of the gods poison to my body!
((Over the summer I did an expirement, a month with out alcohol, and that was my most sucessful month, 10 pounds lost because I cut alcohol in addition to my exercising & diet.))

Okay so moving forward to Reasons & Excuses...
I have been coming up with reasons I'm not loosing weight..
--I'm back at work 30+ hours a week, when I get home I just want to put on my sweats and hang out with Adaline!
--I'm gonig through a major life overhaul, a divorce and cross country move...home & am now living BACK with my parents.
--I'm back on my anxiety and depression medicine, which I have been off of for 3+ years
--The only way my girlfriends and I have "fun" involves alcohol & food.

And the only person I'm hurting with my excuses is MYSELF

I was planning on starting the medifast thing this week, but then I realized I would want to kill myself for spending close to $400 a month on MYSELF! SO I am going back to my old routine.

I will be making my meal plan at the beginning of the week, prepping all my food, and freakin' sticking to it!
Tonight I am also RESTARTING my body pump 90 day challenge!

It's really just not a choice anymore, I know I always say, "this time will be different" BUT this time really HAS to be different! I do not have that encouragement from my husband telling me I'm sexy and wanting to be with me anymore, loving my FAT ass when I HATE it. Now it's just me and my bod, and I need to be happy with me before I can find happiness with someone else!
Not to mention it's holiday time and that means every overweight person's worst nightmare...
ahhh run for your lives, stick that hip out, put your hand on it, suck it in...and don't forget to point your chin up, chest out && make sure that arm is lookin' skinny!!
This year I would like to not have to make every picture a process. I want my confidence back, I want MYSELF back.
For SEVEN years I have been someone elses, I gave all my strength, love, encouragement, and effort to someone else.
Now it's MY turn!

Today after work, I will be heading to the grocery store, then coming home to do the momma thing, and when 8pm bed time rolls around I will be prepping to sweat it out with my Les Mills buddies!!!

Stay tuned for a horrifying before picture tomorrow!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

A Life Uncommon...

Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a life uncommon...

I am a child of the 90's. Tonight as I sat here thinking of my day with my B E A U T I F U L child who I look to every day for strength in-between episodes of pulling my hair out and listened to Jewel, I found peace with this day...

Today I decided after nap time Adaline and I would go on a Mommy & Daughter date. This would be the first time in 84 days that I have been out in public alone with my child. And I survived...barely and was able to avoid crying like a little baby in public! Though I do feel GOD surely tested me today...

Nuclear Meltdown Moment...

Picture this, we just did some serious shopping at Target, and had TONS of fun. Tons. We are at the check out almost out of the store with out a single melt down from either of us...
...then she sees h i m...
The man who I saw a literally around every corner as we shopped, and had to keep convincing myself he was NOT in fact really there.
Well that didn't work, because well, clearly he WAS there
So I did the next best thing...
I just kept looking down whenever I saw him out of the corner of my eye....
He was a tan skinned man, wearing a half zip sweater, and a navy yankees hat.
... He looked exactly like Adam, our Dada.
Adaline screamed out for him when she saw him..."Dada, my Dada!! C'omere. That your boy? Hi Boy!!" ((the man was with his son)) I had to explain to her that he was in fact not her "dada" even though he did look scarily identical, mean while all I really wanted to do was run to the bathroom and fall in the damned toilet
Then of course he is with his pregnant baby mamma, and Addy is M A D that he is with her, she's yelling at him "NO this my Momma, comereee Dada" SERIOUSLY, S H O O T me!! Again I had to explain to her, that was not her Dada, and that her Dada was "working."How else do you explain this freakin' mess to a two year old...?

Well anyways we made it out of Target alive, after my worst nightmare came true.

...And promptly drove to Friendly's for ice cream to distract Addy from what just happened...or maybe it was to distract ME from what just happened.

I don't know if it was the hot fudge, or watching the pure JOY in that beautiful child's face as she ate her "monserrr" sundae...But all of the sudden I was happy, I had forgotten about Target. I had forgotten about h i m. I had forgotten Adam wasn't there. I hadn't even noticed that for the first time I was truly alone ((in so many ways)) with MY Daughter.

We had a wonderful time today, in spite of our run in with the "enemy"...
We bought tons of craft stuff, paint, pipe cleaners, popsicle sticks, markers! Tomorrow morning we are going to go on a scavenger hunt & then make some fun turkey themed crafts! I'm super excited, but also already cringing just thinking about the hand print turkeys...two year old with painted hands....uhhhhhhhhhhh kill me now so much fun. We came home played with Memmay, and Adaline ended the night dancing around the loft in her "princess" night gown.
Peaceful. Happy. Blessed.

Every day it is your choice to turn your day into what Y O U want it to be, and to take from it the things Y O U choose to remember. Today I realized how I am really now officially alone in the sense that I do not have my husband by my side to parent Adaline with me, and that sucks but I DO have my wonderful family, and all of our crayy crayy friends to keep us smiling. We are two of the luckiest girls on the planet. When Adaline is in her twenties, I want her to think of me fondly with love, and to think I was strong and brave, and know that everything I did, I did for her...
I want to live a life u n c o m m o n
For my baby sun & my moon, my little lady bug. For she is my world, and she is growing every single day & I don't want to waste a minute of her childhood!!

And Here Are Some Pictures Of Our Date Today:

she wore the head band all around Target and kept telling me I had to kiss her...she's such a ham.
I love her so yes I do.

She was SO excited to eat her ice cream

When did she get SO big

Oh, no my kid isn't OCD like her mother or anything....



Friday, November 9, 2012

52 in 52

Never thought it would come, but it's h e r e...Happy Friday Everyone!
It's been a LONG week and I cannot wait to get home to my little.I have been having a rough time adjusting to working again.I'm used to being there for every second, but luckily I have an awesome Mom, therefore Adalaine has an AMAZING Memmay who takes care of her while I'm at work. And I am both thankful and infinitely blessed!!

I have a lot of time on my hands while I sit here at work...Lot's of time for things like, homework (ick), coming up with ways to make Adam's life miserable totally kidding...kinda AND today's brilliant idea ((drum roll please)) 52 in 52.

What the heck is 52 in 52 you ask...well basically its 52 adventures ((brand new expirences, fun things you've always wanted to do, things that scare your pants off and in any other normal circumstance you would never try, things that you would feel like a beast if you completed, charitable things for the community...yadda yadda yadda you get the point)) In completing these 52 diffrent missions of doom adventures, you in turn learn more about yourself and grow in ways you could never imagine.

So this is a great idea in itself, but what would make it even better?? Having one of the most spectacular bad mamma jammas in the entire universe by your side, maybe? Well luckily for me, I have the perfect D I V A for a sidekick. My Mandy!! She's been by my side through every minute of the last 5 years, even when she was 1400 miles away when I had Addy, when I came home when Adam deployed, and most recently my world was falling apart. I could call her, she would listen to me cry, tell me how amazing I was and how I needed to leave RITE THAT SECOND, and that she would pray. She never ever judged my decisions, and always has been my strongest support. She has a faith I admire, she's so confident, strong & at peace with her life, she is the biggest diva I know, and it just so happens, I am the lucky biotch that gets to call her my best friend!!

Mandy and I on my wedding day...

The Divas And I...that's Mandy on the end ((incase the big pink arrow wasn't a dead give away))

Mandy and I in all our glory...surrounded by mexican food and tequila!

So we are going to be partners in this 52 in 52 adventure! Me because I need something to look forward to so that I can, be distracted from prank calling Adam, and more revenge plotting, oops I meant to say grow into a new stronger indepentdent woman. ((All the women who are independent, Throw your hands up at me! All the honey's who makin' money,Throw your hands up at me! All the mommas who profit dollas, Throw your hands up at me!!))Ha Ha Ha, don't even try to tell me I'm the only one who instantly sees Beyonce & Michelle on the beach in loin cloths singing about proffitin' dollas every single time I hear anything about a woman being independent! And as far as Mandy Pants, she doesn't need to be more independent, or really even stronger, she's practically the hulk, but she does need to open herself up. "Open the Gate" as we learned to call it recently in our Boundries bible study class!

So anyways our ideas so far include:
1. Run a half marathon in Lake Placid, NY next fall. REALLY I just want the flippin 13.1 sticker ((I probably should just buy one off line, and save all the trouble)) kidding, I would never do that!! okay maybe I would, but I won't.
2. Tour a winery ((what diva doesn't L O V E wine))
3. Skydive ((per my request...Mandy's immediate response "ohh my goodness crap my pants" ha ha))
4. Go to the City ((yes it's true I have lived in NY all of my life and I am embarassed to say...I have never been to NYC))
5. Do something charatible...idk maybe feed some homeless people?

As you can tell, we have a LOT more brainstorming to do. But it is going to be one amazing 2013!!! If anyone has any ideas, feel FREE to share in comments! We need all the help we can get!! I plan to add our 52 in 52
adventure to my blogging, complete with LOTS of embarrasing
exciting pictures, and funny stories about our adventures! Meanwhile Mandy Pants will be scrap booking it, so we can NEVER forget what is bound to be an amazing year!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

falling apart. breaking down...starting over

Since I last posted, my husband Adam, dropped the
Wait for it....
"I don't want to do this any more" BOMBBBB!
AKA I'm a selfish douche who can't man up and be the father and husband I promised to be
"I need some time alone to find myself" mid-life crisis a little bit early Adam?
I cried, I prayed, I questioned what I did wrong...
Through all that I realized
I did NOTHING wrong
I found GOD's grace when I truly needed strenght the most
AND eventhough I cried and cried and couldn't bear to eat
I didn't loose a freakin pound!

I thought stress was supposed to make me thin...
Like crack addict SKINNYYYYYYY.
It didn't.
I thought my world was ending.
It didn't.
I'm still here...
And best of all
And we have all our family around!
Woot. Woot.

Well once Addy and I moved all our stuff back to New York
((and I burried Adam's body in the back yard with his disgusting girlfriend))
I kid I kid. But I DID think about it...more then once

My amazing parents came and got us and as much stuff as we could fit in the uhaul..
And our new life began...
Then eating began.
I eat my's my BIGGEST flaw.
Plus there is all the yummy food to eat && LOTS of alchol to drannnkk with my crayy crayy best friends ((who I have missed OH so very much))
SO no insane weight loss here...
But no real gain either.
I got down to 195 before we moved home, now I am back at 200.
If you saw the way I have been eating, you would be suprised it's only 5 pounds.

Well now that I am a "Single Mother"...((GAGGGGG))
I am back at work 30 hours a week, still doing my school, and trying to do the mommy thing
Thank the lord for my amazing family.
I now have WAY less time to plan my meals, and spend 2+ hours exercising every day.
SO time to try something different!

This week I will be starting medifast.
One of our amazing family friends has lost like a million pounds on the program
And is now becoming a coach.
SO why not try it!
I've done tons of research && am excited to try this new method.
NOW if only I can find the energy to exercise again!
dun dun dun!

Once I begin, I will be adding a true before picture, weekly weigh in's, and progress checks to keep me motivated!