Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Weigh In Wednesday...

Everyone Needs To Fail Sometimes...

This week I'm feeling pretty defeated. On Monday I was pretty excited for the WOD. I had already known that it was tough, and that not everyone finished it, let's be real, most of us didn't finish it...but I love knowing it's going to suck. Well at least I thought I did. Monday was the FIRST time I couldn't finish. I hadn't  eaten properly, I had only had a protein shake and half a think thin bar I shoved down my throat on the way to class. It used to be okay to get busy and not eat...that is not okay anymore. I thought I was going to pass out at the end of the third round when it was time to run, we were supposed to do two down and backs, I only did one. I have been pissed about it ever since. I need to feed my body with fuel to support the kind of results and progress I want. Eating less then 600 calories all day then trying to do an insane WOD...b a d idea. Then last night I got there, and we ended up talking about The King, I cried, I got upset, when it was time to start all I could think about was him, then when I went to bed last night that's all I thought about...that and the fact that I didn't break 90* with my wall balls #crossfitgirlproblems. I let him take away my special time that I cherish every day, I went to pick Addy up and felt like I didn't even work out...Wednesday is usually my rest day, but I'm going tonight...I need to have a good workout after two failures to snap out of this funk!

Over the last month I have been up and down on the scale, so I decided to stop weighing myself every single day & now just do it Wednesday mornings. Yesterday morning I was 184, and I realized that my goal 18 months ago when I started to loose weight was 185. I made it to my first goal, and didn't even realize it. Honestly I would be fine if that number never changed...I did the things I wanted to do, I fit in my old clothes, I can run if I need to, eventhough it is still not something I "enjoy" and I am a hell of a lot healthier then I was 114 pounds ago.

BUT today, I am not happy with where I am. Today my goals were different then they were over a year ago when I started this process. Today I want to be strong. I want to be fit...I want muscles. Something I always thought looked weird on a girl, but that was because I didn't think I could have I know I can and I want them!

I've set a new goal for myself...the number I have in my head is 145, so that's what 40 more pounds? I want to be there by the end of August. I don't even know what 145 pound Alex will look like. The smallest I ever remember being was 155 pounds...and I was fourteen. I'm not so focused on the number as I am just being strong...but let's be real, that number would be awesome!

I've been talking a lot about food lately because just like exercise it is a essential part of any weight loss, or muscle gain. Over the last 18 months I kind of just ate whatever as long as I was eating less then 1,100 calories a day wine calories don't count right? That worked for a long time, I would hit a plateau when I wasn't as strict with my eating for a few weeks, maybe even a month, then I would clean it up and start over. The cycle kept repeating itself...and I stopped loosing. Now I spend 2-3 hours a week meal prepping and don't have to think about it again for the rest of the week. Now when I looke at my food I see protien, and carbs insted of calories. It is never beneficial to binge, then starve yourself, or restrict your calories down to 1,100...I was an idiot. Had  I picked up some heavy things and started feeding myself for fuel I would have reached my new goal a long time ago.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Happy Anniversary & Weekly Eats...

"That feeling that doesn't go away just did
And I've walked a thousand miles to prove it
And I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts"
Today marks my one moth crossfit anniversary.
In one month I have become stronger then I ever thought possible.
And I am not even talking physical strength...
I am stronger today, emotionally, mentally, AND physically then I have ever been.
Crossfit has helped me cope with the burden of a failed marriage...
And to be able to be me again.
My life is now filled with life long, positive friendships.
Weekends are spent feasting on healthy food and snuggling on the couch with my woman,
Instead of getting drunk by the fire with Adam & "friends"
I am a better mom, friend, daughter
I am a stronger woman then I was four weeks ago.
I have had a lot of questions about what I eat...I haven't been super strict lately with my eating, but last week I started "pale-ish"...I am only 40 pounds from my goal weight, I am 2/3 of the way there...AND I want to be there by the end of August. So it's time to buckle down and get serious...Here are my eats for the week.
Monday 4/15-Sunday 4/21
Breakfast: (Pick One)
-Oatmeal w/ water + tbs sugar free organic applesauce
+ two egg whites
-Protein Shake
(w/ 1/4 cup strawberries, 1/2 bananna, 1 cup spinach, 1 cup almound milk)
-2 Egg White Scramble Muffins
(grass fed organic un-cured bacon, peppers, onions)
Lunch: (Pick One)
-4-6oz Chicken Breast w/ 1/4 cup long grain wild rice, 1 cup broccli
-4-6oz Chicken Breast on top of spinach salad
w/ cucumbers, carrots and peppers + 1/4 cup home made croutons + 2 tbs greek yogart dressing
-4-6ox Chicken Breast w/ 1/2 roasted cubed sweet potato + 1 cup green beans
Dinner: (Pick One)
-Think Thin Gluten Free Protein Bar + bananna
-Protein Shake
(chocolate w/ 1 tbs all natural organic PB + 1 cup spinach+ 1 cup almound milk)
Snacks: (two each day)
- 1/4 cup unsalted cashews
-1/2 Think Thin Gluten Free Protein Bar
- Apple sliced w/ 1 tbs natural organic PB (melted)
- 2 egg whites
-Baby Carrots
-Plantain Chips (home made)
OFF DAY: (Saturday)
-Omlet (2 egg whites + 1/2 cup spinach + onions + chopped grass fed un-cured organic bacon)
w/ protein shake (1/4 cup berries, 1/2 bananna, 1 cup spinach, 1 cup almound milk)
-Chicken wrap (whole wheat wrap, spinach, cucumbers, 4oz chicken breast,grass fed organic un-cured bacon, 1 tbs greek yogart dressing)
w/ carrots or apple
-4-6 oz chicken breast, 1/2 cup Gluten free pasta, artichoke hearts, asparagus, grass fed organic un-cured bacon, parm cheese
-1/2 cup dairy free, almound milk "ice cream"

Happy Monday.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Little Lion Man...

"Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep, little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head"

I need you divas today, I need your words, your advice.
I know so many of you have been right here...right where I am.
I need you.

The King and I have not spoken in weeks, he hasn't spoken to Adaline, he hadn't even really tried. I was absolutely devistated when I found out about Kayla. The fact that he had been seeing her and was in love with her since OCTOBER...two weeks after he kicked Adaline and I out made me absolutely physically ill. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want him to talk to Addy. I wanted him the hell away from us.

Yesterday we talked on the phone, and he mentioned that he had a job wating for him here, in New York, if he wanted it. We talked on the phone for a good fourty-five minutes with out really arguing. I talked, and he listened..well I thought he was listening. I texted him last night on our way home from Mason's game and asked him if he wanted to see Addy. I know, I must be a masochist or something...because I keep dragging myself right back to the same place over and over again.

I keep thinking this time will be different.
I keep aching for Adaline to have her real "Daddy" in her life.
I keep expecting more from him then I think know he is willing to give...
I keep getting disappointed by the man boy that has hurt me physically and mentally for the last seven years..
I keep letting him do it...
I want him to be better, I want him to love her...
Just like I wanted him to stop abusing me, and want me...
That didn't happen until I left seven months ago...

I feel like I am failing her by protecting her from him. But am I really? It is so incredibly hard to make that call, I don't want her to hate me, I don't want her to go with out anything especially her father.

Last night he said all the things he always says. That I am too good for him, how much it killed him to see me in that house doing nothing, how he never meant to hurt me, how the military ruined our love, how he didn't know me anymore and that all this was bound to happen. That I deserved someone who could really love me and appreciate me, because he would never be good enough...Last night was the first time I recieved those words and they didn't give me "hope." Instead I was left after that conversation thinking "what a waste of fucking time" Everything he said was completely and totally one-hundred percent true...

I am too good for him
He didn't deserve me
And I do deserve someone who can give me what I give them
The military did not ruin our love...
He was an abusive angry little shit long before he joined.
And I was happy being "stuck" in that house all day.
I wanted nothing more then to make his life easy and perfect, to spend my days raising my child, not missing a single second of her life.

The King took so much of my life. Seven years...nearly a third of my time on this Earth was spent with that man. We made a life and a family, he threw it all away. He doesn't get to disappear for months while he falls in love with someone else...he doesn't get to tell me he "has had time to reflect on what he has done to me, he's sorry and he's changing" I call bullshit. He is "changing" for HER. Not for his daughter, not for our family. Not for ME the woman who gave her LIFE to him for way too fucking long. Now believe me, I do not want him to change for me...I do not want him back in our life, I do not want to have his last name, I do not want anything to do with him..but it still shatters me that I wasn't enough, that Addy wasn't enough to make him change.

We desereve a good life. We deserve a real man. He does NOT deserve to be in our life. I do not trust him, or his intentions. Every time I give him an inch he takes a mile. Last night I tried to talk to him about the money he owes me, and he had the nerve to say "I need it too" meanwhile he's sitting in our home, with our furniture, driving our vehicle...with a brand new overhead projector above his stupid head. Complaining about how the house payment went up and his child support payment is so high that he can't afford to pay his bills. Talk about a fucking J O K E. He is seriously the most selfish person in the world, he cannot even see what WE need, what his wife and his daughter need. He cannot see his responsibility in any of this, monetarily, emotionally...nothing. nadda. It's my problem now, he has bigger ones apparently.

I was so conflicted when I started writing this today, now at the end of it...I no longer feel that way. I know the way I feel is right. I can hold my head up and know that I have taken the high road in every sense of the word through this entire process. I have carried the burden of a failed marriage, of motherhood, of heart break...and The King has done nothing but keep piling the stress on. Yesterday is a perfect example, he said he was thinking of taking a job at I assumed he meant SOON, so I thought " I guess we should get our shit together, because we are going to have to parent Addy together" turns out that is over a year down the road! He knew exactly how to get to me, and I LET him.

I know better.
I am stronger.
He is not worth any more hurt.
He is a coward.
He is not a real man.
He certainly is not a "Dad"
His words mean nothing until his actions prove other wise
He has a LOT of making up to do for all he has destroyed.
He needs to start over and EARN a place in that perfect child's life.
He gave it up.
He gave us up.
That was his choice, Now it is my choice not to let him just walk back in.

I am too strong, We have come too far, way way way too far to go right back to where we started.
Life with out The King is a lot more peaceful and safe.

If you're reading this, which I now know you do. Step it up. You don't deserve us now and you never did. And no I don't mean you and I, beleive me I do not want you back in any way. If it weren't for Addy we would never speak again, but we have little life to consider. A litle person WE brought into this world. If you are not willing to give it all for her, then I would prefer for you to give her nothing. I can do this just fine with out you...I've been doing it just fine with out you. You don't know me anymore, but I know you...your words are empty, and I am ready for some action. You need to prove that you deserve a place in that perfect child's life. You destroyed me, you will NOT destroy her. You break her heart I will KILL you, and there will be a lot of people standing behind me...

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Weigh In Wednesday...Pale-ish

Happy Weigh In Wednesday Divas!!

As you know I haven't been weighing myself nearly as much, trying to stick to once a week instead of every day before the shower, at the end of the night, every time I pee. Well, that is MOSTLY because that stupid scale has really been pissing me off lately. She's a liar, and I HATE liars. My first week of crossfit I gained nine pounds, talk about discouraging. The next week I lost two of those, then last week I lost four more. Over this past week I have seen numbers as low as 183, and as high as 191. This morning it was at the higher end. Talk about annoying. Particularly since I started Paleo Sunday, and expected the weight to basically fall off.
Last night we got done before the next class came in for their WOD, so we talked a little about food. Basically I think I's exact words were, "You started paleo right, eff that" HA. I was all like okieee, I thought this was the "crossfit diet," I thought I was doing the right thing...

My endurance the past two days has been less then spectacular. In fact on Monday I thought I was going to pass out mid clean&press, and last night the burpees almost did me in. That is just NOT cute...I do not want to be the girl who passes out. I know if you're a hard core crossfiter you take loosing conciousness as a badge of honor...I do not. I can only imagine what that would look like as my body slams against the floor and I lay there like a whale washed up in Boston Harbor...go ahead have a good laugh.

So anyways, the solution he suggested was paleo with no carbs after 2:00pm. I'm going to call it Pale-ish {pay-lee-ish}. In every sense I will technically still be eating Paleo, just with a little brown rice thrown in at lunch. My body needs those carbs for fuel every night at 6:00pm as I beat the crap out of myself...I will not pass out, I will not throw up.

We also talked about "trusting the process" I told him how I was kind of freaking out because of the yo-yoing of the scale, and how I was used to loosing 1-2 pounds a week, and now I was gaining and loosing the same ten pounds over and over again over the last three weeks. He told me what I already knew, it's muscle. There is another girl that does the morning classes, she has lost over thirty pounds over the last few months. She also gained the first month, six pounds...she was pissed and wanted to stop, she too was told to "trust the process".. she did. Now she is thirty-two pounds lighter, insanely stronger, faster, and solid muscle. Esentially she really lost more then thirty-two pounds, because she packed on a ton of muscle. When you are used to just doing cardio, and used to loosing the normal one-two pounds a week, it is painfully hard to see the scale go in the opposite direction. But...I am just going to "trust the process" I know ultimately if I keep doing exactly what I've been doing I will get to exactly where I want to be.

It has been three weeks tomorrow since I first walked into the box and did my first WOD. The picture on the left was taken three weeks ago...I can see diffrences in my body. My belly is thinning out, I'm starting to see the makings of abs, glutes, biceps...but I decided to measure today for the heck of it..Remember it has ONLY been three weeks since I first started crossfit, ONLY three weeks since I last measured.

Before:                                                                    After:
Right Thigh-24                                                         Right Thigh-20 {-4}
Left Thigh-23                                                           Left Thigh -19 1/2 {-3.5}
Hips-44                                                                   Hips- 39 {-5}
Waist-31                                                                 Waist- 28 {-3}
Chest-38                                                                 Chest- 37 {-1}
Left Arm-12                                                            Left Arm- 12 {-0}
Right Arm 12 1/2                                                     Right Arm- 12 {-1/2}

That is a total of 17 inches in THREE weeks!
That is completely insane, I knew I was seeing changes, I have lost two pant sizes, and now three pounds but I never expected it to be 17 inches lost! If that isn't encouragement to "trust" the process I don't know what is!


Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Transformation Tuesday...

So if you are an IG addict like me, you already know today is "Transformation Tuesday." I don't know about you all but I LOVE a good fat picture. LOVE. But for me "Transformation Tuesday" isn't just about the way my body looks now, it's about who I AM now, who I WAS then, and who I will NEVER be again...

Let's take a little trip through time shall we?
The first picture is the day I gave birth, weighing in at a whopping 290ish pounds. I was miserable, I hated my body, I had a beautiful new born baby who I couldn't even enjoy because my husband was such a GIANT douche that he didn't help, understand that I needed to heal, and didn't particularly find any joy in fatherhood. If you ask him I'm sure he will tell you the opposite. He is a liar.

In the second picture, I look super happy don't I? I'm thrilled...It was the Christmas after Addy was born, Adam was in Afghanistan, I still weighed 260+ pounds...I was angry, I was depressed, I was lonely. I didn't love myself. All we did was fight, I was in the process of looking at houses for us to purchase, because maybe then it would feel like we were a real family and A would accept his responsibilities...he didn't. 

The first picture here was taken in September, last fall. I was still 225 pounds, I was right in the middle of my marriage ending. I believe I had just found out the previous week about Bethany...Adam was on another trip that weekend, and I took Addy to the air show with my girlfriends. They meant so much to me, and I miss them all so very much. They were my rock and my escape when I needed it most. They encouraged me and held me accountable...they helped me feel strong enough to remove Addy and myself from a very bad situation. Before them, before our play groups, before Nikki said to me "You CAN do it alone, you don't know how strong you really are until you make the choice to do it alone, I did it and so can you." Those words that I held close to my heart for weeks and months, and still to this day. I truly believe that if it weren't for Alysha, Nikki, Sarah, Brandy and Tracy that I would still be in Arkansas, still be being hit, still be being cheated on, still be convincing myself I was happy when truly I never was. For their friendship I am forever grateful.

The second picture is Adaline and I on Easter last week. My smile is real. I am no longer a victim. We are free of Adam. We certainly don't have "everything" like we did six months ago...but we have each other. We have my amazing Mother and Father, my sister and brother, all our grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins...I could go on an on. We have a village that we got to come home to. More love then you can fit into Nana's kitchen...We are SO SO SO blessed. My life right now is not what I would like it to be, but I am happier now living in my parent's basement with nothing, completely starting over with all the love in the world behind me then I was six months ago living my "dream" which was really a lie.

I posted this as my official "Transformation Tuesday" picture this week, and my love Erin commented that the biggest success I have had in my journey is loosing that 170 pounds standing beside me. Is that a mouth full or what? 

In the picture on the left I am halfway through my journey (so far), I was about 235 pounds give or take, we were on our way out for our anniversary. I do not even recognize the person in that picture. She is so unhappy, even then she knew she wanted out. 

In the picture on the right (taken last week) I am FIVE pant sizes smaller, 60 pounds lighter, happier, healthier and WHOLE. 

Loosing that 170 pound load I was supporting for nearly 1/3 of my life was the biggest and most freeing loss of all. Through the last eighteen months I have lost 115 pounds. I have lost a marriage, a husband, a family, my home, my life. In the last six months I have found myself. I have found a love for myself and for health. I have found cross fit which has completely and totally changed me in just a few weeks. 

Today I am strong, I am fearless, I can and will do anything. I am Blessed. I am thankful. I am loved. 

I am HAPPY!!!

Did you all see my lover girl Kassie's entry today, all about your's truly! Kassie is a breath of fresh air, like your favorite summer song on the radio, when the sun is shining and you're driving with the windows down. I've always loved her, then she emailed me about how she was a real life "addy" that she was raised by a single mother, and how much she admired her for that and was so proud to be hers. "Single" motherhood is something I have struggled with, been embarrassed about. Kassie's email changed all that for me. She is a total diva, one of my best blog friends, and I luba her for ever. Mean IT!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Drinking the Paleo Kool Aid...

"Just Drink The Kool Aid" they said, "It will be fun they said"...the paleo kool aid that is. Pronounced pay-lee-oh, is a diet way of eating often refered to as the "caveman diet". Basically the idea is you eat what our very first ancestors would have eaten...except it's way easier because you don't have to go out and club a wholly mammouth to death to feed your family. #aintnobodygottimeforthat.

You may remember me deciding to go "veganish" in January, if not you can read about it here. It was a shit show, literally. I was miserable eventhough I tried to convince myself otherwise it was annoying, boring, and everytime I had one bite of something cheat-worthy I literally pooped my pants. Not even kidding. Needless to say that only lasted two weeks, and then Friday night pizza started yelling out to me, and I gave in.

That was before crossfit. This new Paleo thing is after crossfit...Paleo and crossfit kind of go hand in hand. Paleo eating is basically lean protein, veggies, healthy fats, and some fruit. Absolutely no refined carbohydrates, sugars or dairy. Shelly tells me the less startch I eat, the more abs I will see...I work hard every day, and even my beloved pasta isn't worth not having those abs. Pool season starts in six weeks here in New York, I want to be the mom with the muscles at the beach. I have seen so many amazing changes in just these last three weeks of crossfit, and I haven't watched my eating really at all. I can only imagine what is going to happen now that I am eating to fuel my body, promote digestive health, and muscle growth!

Meal prepping was super easy peasy, only one hour for the next five days! And it was only $45 for my groceries, with some stuff for Addy in there too, including a big blue ball she just couldn't leave the store with out. I bought salad mix, cucumber, carrots, apples, banannas, cashews (unsalted), broccli, fresh green beans, chicken, brown rice, frozen mixed veggies, bacon, eggs, and almound milk. This week is pretty basic, just dipping my toes in the water, as I get better at it I will start throwing in some cool paleo doughnuts. Oh-em-gee!

Above is my core meal, which for me will be lunch. I can't eat a lot before I go WOD...I am terrified of vomiting. Terrified. But I'm not going to lie the day it happens, I think I'll be pretty dang proud it's a crossfit thing. So what the heck is in them..
4-6oz of white meat chicken -(cooked on top of the stove in olive oil, seasoned with basil, rosemerry, fresh garlic, and white pepper)
Fresh Green Beans- I didn't measure them, just split the package between my four containers.
1 1/2 cups of mixed veggies.
2 TBSP of brown rice (yes you read that right two tablespoons)
**The "carb flu" is a concern when starting any low carb/no carb eating, you can get foggy and tired...I cannot afford to be any more tired or more of a ding dong, so for week one we are adding rice

In the morning with my egg "muffin" I will have an apple about an hour later, after my lunch, around 1:00 I will eat two hard boiled egg whites, for a snack before crossfit I will have a banana and a hard boiled egg white, and then later when I get home I will have veggie stirfry or a salad.

These little beauties are my breakfast. Bacon...on a "diet" heck yes!
Basically you line the cupcake pan with bacon (next time I will use liners these were a pain to get out) then you crack the egg. You can scramble them and add veggies to them too, next time I think I will just scramble the egg whites and add peppers, I hate the yolks and just throw them away!
to cook them you bake them at 400* for 20 minutes

Threee weeks in and I am WOD obsessed, five pounds and two pant sizes smaller, less stressed, happier, stronger in every way, focused. Addicted. I cannot wait to see the changes that are to come, once you find something you love, sticking to a lifestyle change is easy.

Friday, April 5, 2013

The call...

Sometimes it takes a little extra to remind you of why you have made some of the decisions you have. In my case today when I spoke to Adam and heard the hate in his voice...I remembered what it felt like to hear that every day, I remembered what it felt like to be hit or kicked, I remembered why I left, I remembered that there is a reason he is not in our life today. I decided to hang up the phone, "have a good day Adam, I won't be talked to in that tone so I'm hanging up, I'll email you my list instead" and that was it. If that is the last time I have to hear his mean hateful voice I won't be sad. There was a time when his voice gave me it makes my stomach feel funny for a whole different reason. It's amazing in a 4 minute 44 second conversation how he can make me feel so small again. I don't know how I lived with that every day, but I am thankful for the strength I have been given to over come it...

"First of all I want to thank you for speaking AT me the way you did. Your ability to be abusive and awful even through the phone amazes me. You made me feel like crap, which reminded me why you aren't in our life any more and for that I am thankful. That was exactly why we don't speak anymore, and why you don't speak to Adaline. And don't think for a second I haven't noticed your sudden interest in talking to her, it's been almost 7 months with you not making time for her and all the sudden you think you should be allowed in her life. You say you're trying, you're not. "where you invest your love, you invest your life" you adam Richard do not invest your love in that child, your life is somewhere else, and that is not with us. We have a Pippay now, who does the job you promised to do. Thank god he is such a wonderful and giving man, adaline will never ever doubt what a "dad's" love should look like thanks to him. Adaline has so much love in her life and MEN who are there for her doing things her father should be...but you are focused on someone else instead of your own child. It breaks my heart for you that you won't put the effort into loving her. She is amazing in every single way. She is the smartest, strongest willed, most stubborn little creature in the world. She laughs constantly, she loves the song rite now "ho hey" when it comes on she says "this is my jam" she sings it and we have to listen to it over and over again. She loves other kids, and Papa Bucky is her "best friend" she says crazy things like she "likes to drink beer in the trees with the birds" then laughs at herself and says "I'm so funny" every single day she amazes me, all of us. I can't wait to get home to her after work, and just feel her warm little back. Even lately when she's been waking up naked because she likes to take her clothes off, and she's covered in pee I can't help but think how lucky I am. How infinitely blessed I am to have THIS child in MY life. How unlucky you are that you chose to be away from us, away from her. I don't question myself or my decision anymore, now that the months have passed and you have made no effort to do the right things or come and see your child, I KNOW I have done the right thing. You are part of our past for a reason, the only part of our life that is yours is the fact that you were there the day we made adaline. That's it. I loved you once, I don't love you anymore. I used to think I would always love you because you would always be Addy's dad, but you're not. You're simply her father. That is your choice. It's not a choice I would have ever made and you know that. Because of you and our marriage I now know what a man is NOT supposed to look like, how a man is NOT supposed to treat his wife and his family. I now know what I want in a dad for adaline and what I do NOT want...everything you are now, today is nothing that deserves a place in our lives. I'm not even sure of six years ago you did. But if it weren't for you I wouldn't have her. Thank you for this beautiful child that I get to share with the world. It is REALLY a shame that you don't try to know her. The day she stopped asking for you was the hardest day, the day she stopped asking if it were her "daddy coming to get her" when the planes flew over...was the most freeing day. Adam learn to do the right things, you can't keep hurting people. There are consequences that are bigger then what you are prepared to take responsibility for. Be careful who you hurt, especially when they are the people who deserve it LEAST.

My List:

-green and white dishes with baskets, bowls and matching serve wear
-white baking dishes with lids
-anything and everything in Addy's room (you can keep the crib)
-bobbins that I turned into candle sticks
-flea market stuff: white shutter, chalkboard, shoe form, whiskey jug, bobbins, a acorn looking things.
-picture of addy swinging
-letters from bmt and deployments with the leather book (so addy can know one day if she chooses to that her parents did love each other when we made her)
-willow tree angels
-hiking back pack
-wreaths I made (summer, spring, fall, Christmas)
-snowboarding stuff
-baby clothes
-any of my clothes that are left
-sewing machine
-wedding pictures, and Addy's Easter pictures, feel free to throw away those canvases, I do not want them
-my hair stuff
-longaburger baskets if there are any left
-contents of my craft closet
-whatever was in the diaper closet
-The money you owe me, $3000 is a good place to start :)

Have a good day Adam."

All the suddnen it happens...

All of the sudden you wake up to realize it's been a month since you last cried.
This means your heart has healed.
This means you are stronger then before.
This means you are ready to let your walls down.
This means you are ready to leave the past behind and never look back.
This means you are ready to live.
For yourself, for your child, for your future.

For the first time in the last oh god, five years, I can honestly say I am happy.
I am ready to live. I am okay with being a single mother. I can thruthfull say that if Adam were to come home tomorrow and asked us to come home, I would say no.

I can't even remember anymore what that hurt felt like, I don't want to.
I can't remember what Adam's hand felt like in mine, I don't want to.
I can't remember what it felt like to fall asleep on his chest, I don't want to.
I can't remember his smell, or his skin, I can't even remember his voice.
I don't want to.

I want to enjoy my life, I want happiness for Adaline and I.
I want to be strong, I want her to look back and see that I made a life for us.
I want her to see that I saved us from a life of unhappiness.
I want her to look at the man who will ultimately raise her and know that he was the man God intended to be her Dad, Adam will always just be her father.
I want to look back on these next years with no regrets.
I want to love my life and everyone in it.

I am ready to love.
I am ready to live.
I am ready to fall.
I am ready to trust.

"Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies"

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Weigh In Wednesday...

"Where you invest your love, You invest your life"

Those nine words mean more to me, then any other words in this world. Think about what you spend the most time thinking about, what you spend your time doing, who you spend your time with. Those are the places you're investing your life, your love. Today is kind of a weird day for me, Adam and I got married four years ago on this day, it's our anniversary. My answer to those three questions four years ago would have been Adam, Adam, Adam. Now they are Addy, My Health, Exercise, Family & Friends. Today my life is so much more whole and full of be-a-utifullll things, most importantly happiness.

Happiness is something I have found over the last twenty months, and 112 pounds. 289 pound Big Al was miserable. She was married to a man she didn't love, because he treated her so badly, she was lonely, she was depressed, she ate too much and didn't move enough. Motherhood overwhelmed her, one thing that hasn't changed, all she did was sit, eat, breastfeed, cry, sit, eat eat eat, oh and cook so she could eat.

Over the last twenty months I have gotten so much stronger, I have found my self again. The last seven of those months have been the most eye opening, I've grown in ways I never thought I would have to. Little Al is so strong, so happy, so confident. She is funny, she loves every single person in her life, and most importantly she loves herself!

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Now ya'll know I was upping my calories this week, sticking around 1600, 500 more then I'm used to. And guess what I lost 4 pounds. I know the scale and I were taking a break, but I mean, we have an on again off again reltaionship, clearly we are on again. And I couldn't be happier about it.

This week I feel like something seriously changed with my performance in crossfit. I was letting myself feel defeated during the WOD, taking breaks, thinking about how exhausted I was. That's something you can't do, think. For those 10 minutes the only thing you should be thinking is 8-4-2, 8-4-2, 8-4-2 nothing else matters. Last night we did dead lifts, situps, and burpees... AMRAP (As Many Rounds As Possible. My max dead lift was 140 pounds, which I wish was more, I wanted to be able to do my body time I will!! Before we started our WOD I made a goal for myself to do 10 rounds, I did 12!! It makes me so excited to focus, and work hard. Stronger every single day and loving it! L O V I N G. There is something so gratifying about waking up sore and knowing you EARNED that feeling.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Things I wish I could have known...

"Positivity is a state of mind. The kiey to being happy is telling yourself you deserve it. Believe it, you'll be it."

When Adam kicked us out of the house, I wish I could have had just a glimpse of how wonderful and full of love would be today, seven months later. I wish I had not spent three months crying, unable to be a mother to Adaline, waiting for the day he would come back for us. He wasn't ever planning on coming and getting "his girls" and I wasted far too much time waiting on something that was never going to happen.

I wish I didn't spend the first six months bombarding him with pictures and videos of my sweet angel baby, for him to not even send back a simple text saying "thank you". I wish I had not let it break my heart that he didn't ask what she was doing, how she was growing, that he didn't make time to skype her. I wish I didn't let that distroy me for so long, she is so much better off with out him.

I wish I didn't spend the last seven months praying for GOD to put my family together again. Though I know he works in mysterious ways, and was doing just that all along, I just didn't know it yet.

I wish I knew who my real friends were. I wish I knew who would run to Adam and tell him all the things I didn't want him to know. I wish I knew that even though your heart breaks when your best friend doesn't understand your hurt, and they leave you because it becomes too much for them to help carry your load...that there will be other friends. Wonderful, supportive, understanding strong women that would come into my life and make me whole again. Those women will be standing next to me when I marry the man who will raise my Addy, some old friends, some new, because they stood with me in the Storm.

I wish I had started crossfit sooner. I wish I had known how humbling it would be, how strong I would become...I wish I knew the beautufil, wonderful "family" that would come with it. I wish I knew how strong it would make my heart. I wish I knew how much less willing it would make me accept anything less then the best from everyone.

I wish I changed my phone earlier. I wish I started treating Adam as a stranger that he had become, months ago. I wish I stopped taking his calls, and I wish I hadn't been so nieve to think that he was going to come home. I wish I didn't believe his lies. I wish I could have seen what I see now...I wish it hadn't had to hurt oh so very much.

Standing where I stand today, I can only see happiness. I can see a man who will ultimately raise my Adaline as his own. I can see someone I can love, and make a family with. I can see MY family, my mom & dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...and I know I am home. I know I am exactly where I belong. I know I am strong. I know our life will be so much more beautiful then I could ever have imagined seven months ago.

You never know how good it can be when things are so bad that you can't even breathe. When you question what you did wrong, and why you were being punished this way. When you're blaming yourself, and thinking no one will ever understand your walls. That your broken heart will never get put back together after he tore it apart.

I wish I had known how irrelevant Adam would become in our life today. I wish I had known how strong I could be. I wish I had known that someone would come into my life and bless it with understanding and patients. I wish I had remembered what it felt like to fall in love, and known that I didn't want to fall in love with Adam. I wish I had known what a real man looked like, and seen that that was not the man I was married to. I wish I had known what it was like to miss someone for the right reasons.

I wish I had known how full and complete it would feel to move on. I wish I had known how much love I could feel and had to give. I wish I hadn't waisted so much time falling apart, but as I was falling apart GOD was putting life and my heart back together.

Today after a seven month long storm, that I know isn't over, I am happy. I am thankful. I am free. The only bruises on my body are ones I put there. The only time voices are raised is when there is laughter in the air. The only time I cry is when I'm happy, when I look around the house at Easter and see all the people who complete my world in that tiny little kitchen in Nana's house.

Seven months ago I wished I knew what happiness could look like. This new, genuine, real to the core, strong complete happiness could feel like. I wish I knew that a day would come when I didn't have to dry my tears and fake a smile. That day is here.