Friday, March 29, 2013

You'll Pass Out Before You Die...

My fellow bad ass, the origonal crossfit momma Shelly, told me when I first started doing crossfit...I said "I think I'm probably going to die" and she responded with "You'll definitely pass out before you die." I love the saying almost as much as I love her, almost.

So this week especially I have been feeling like absolute tell you the truth I've been feeling pregnant. And unless The King has super sperm that survived in my baby maker for the last seven months and survived my toxic merena ladden uterus, then I'm definitely not pregnant. Ain't no body got time for 'dat. I've been weak, my recovery time after a WOD is extremely long, as in I can't walk today still from Monday, and while we are doing our AMRAP I am bent over heaving so hard that it makes my abs hurt. Not cool. While I'm working out I feel like I'm giving it all, and every day the buzzer goes off and I leave annoyed feeling like I could have given more. What is wrong with me?

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So then I did some thinking, maybe it's time to change my diet. 103 pounds ago I started eating around 1100 calories a day. For the last eighteen months that has been absolutely fine. BUT I wasn't working out like this.

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Crossfit is not like your typical cardio. It focuses not just on aerobic activity, but anaerobic. Anaerobic activity dramatically improves power, speed, strength, and muscle mass. It absolutely KICKS your ass. You are lifting to failure and working out to your max ability every time. The workouts are short, but when it's all done I lay there on the mat after core and have to convince myself to get up!!

On monday we did a pretty ridiculious work out, I told you about it Wednesday... (25 thrusters with 40 pounds, 15 air squats, 25 more thrusters with 40 pounds, walking lunges, 25 MORE thrusters with 40 pounds, 15 air squats, 25 MORE thrusters with 40 pounds...twice for time) Basically I am paying $100 a month to kill myself. When I left Monday I could barely drive home, when I got to subway to order dinner I couldn't even think straight to order, I'm very sure the woman working thought I was crayyy-zayyyy.

Well, apparently 1100 calories just aren't cutting it anymore. What I needed to eat at 285 pounds and barely working out unless you count my walks with Addy, before I drank an entire bottle of wine to loose weight is not what I need now at 182 pounds when I'm doing crossfit every night. I re-did a calculator based on my current activity level, current weight etc. it says with out exercise I should be eating 1600 calories a day, and with evercise I should be eating 2350 calories a day. Now, there is no way in this world I am going to be eating 2300+ calories a day...I don't even think I could force myself to eat that much food, but I can stick to the recommended 1600.

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Isn't that exciting news...I need to eat MORE. Every food lovers wet dream, and every former fatty's worst night mare. I am SCARED to death to eat more. 1100 calories has worked so far, I'm just so so so afraid that increasing my intake is going to send me on a downward spiral and one day I will wake up and be 100 pounds heavier. But that won't happen, I need to keep reminding myself that won't happen, convincing myself...I have come so far, and though I have a long ways to go, failure just isn't an option.

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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Weigh In Wednesday...Never getting back together

Happy Weigh In Wednesday Ladies

As you all know from last week, the scale and I broke up...and I've never been happier.In the words of Tay-Tay Swizzle "We are never ever ever ever getting back together. Like ever..." Okay, well maybe that's a lie...eventually I am going to get curious and get back on that B.

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This week has been great, I have seen changes in my body already since starting crossfit a couple weeks is AMA-ZING how quickly it changes your body and your mind. I fit in pants I haven't worn since SR year of highschool, and oddly all my sandals are too big? I didn't realize my feet would get smaller as I lost weight, now I'm back in a size 6 1/2 or 7 instead of an 8, even smaller feet are as exciting as smaller pants!!!

Monday was a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day, just the usual King pulling his stupid shit I was practically in tears I was so pissed when I got there! By the time I left I had a smile on my face that didn't leave for the rest of the night. Our Monday work out was:
25 Thrusters
15 Air Squats
25 Thrusters
Walking Lunges with medicine ball
25 Thrusters
15 Air Squats
25 Thrusters
It was absolute death, every day since a different muscle was sore. My fatique from that serioulsy affected my WOD yesterday, I had absolutely NO stamina and was so mad at myself. Getting dressed every day has been a process, I need super stretchy jeans...I even wore my yoga pants in public...I never do that. My tighs and butt are getting bigger, and my waist is getting smaller. None of those are a bad thing...except for the fact that I already had a big butt, and now none of my pants are fitting right, they're either baggy in the waist, or tight in the butt. I'm just going to start wearing gym clothes every day.

Last night one of my best friends Abby started. I am so pumped! When The King and I got together I completely ditched all my friends yah I was that girl Abby and I spent warm summer days in the pool, in the fort under her brother's train set, and just doing random weird stuff...normal 13 year old girl things yah' know.

Crossfit is completely changing my life in every way. I have never been so sure that I am doing the right thing, I have never been more willing to put myself out there and have FRIENDS again, I have never cared less about what The King and his Glee loving twelve year old girlfriend are doing in my bed...okay maybe that last part is a lie, but it's getting easier every single day.

I have been getting so much support & kind words lately, emails, blog comments, facebook love, and of course IG. I just have to give all you Divas a special thank you, you know who you are. You have been there with me every step of the way, I am SO lucky I am able to call ya'll my friends. You Rock My world!!!

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Monday, March 25, 2013

Not Mine to Give

Having someone to love is a beautiful thing.
Until it's not.
Until the pain is just too much to bare
Until the tears are more frequent then not
Until the ache never subsides
Until you lose yourself.
You lose yourself in his words.
In his actions.
In his hate and in his lies.

Sometimes it feels like seconds,
Sometimes it feels like days,
Sometimes it feels like a lifetime since he said those words.
Since he kicked me and our baby to the side, putting only himself first.
How quickly he replaced us, with the next best thing.
How much that shattered me for far too long.

Having someone to love is a beautiful thing.

I am content right here, right now.
I know how much I am worth.
I have one pair of bright blue evers who look at me every day like I'm the queen of the world
...the queen of her world.
I will move mountains for those two blue eyes and angel lips.

The tables have finally turned,
I am not angry, I am not sad.
I have pitty for The King...
This life that he gave up, he has no idea what he is missing.
One day he will.
It will be too late,
It is already FAR too late.

Today I am content, I am comfortable
I am scared
I am guarded
I am alone
I am happy
I am weak
I am strong

I will find myself again in those blue eyes.
I will be her queen.

I don't want to fall in love again,
I cannot trust
I cannot see anything besides those two blue eyes.
They will not ever feel or see the pain that my own eyes have.

I have nothing to give and everything to lose.
I cannot imagine a life with anyone besides my little.

I am in love with two blue eyes and a pair of angel lips.

She is my soul.
It's not mine to give.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Freak Me Friday No More!!

You've all heard me refer to Friday's as "freak me friday" usually the king is either coming home from a trip or on his way out, and Saturdays are his day to talk to Adaline. SO Fridays usually mean an angry phone call for some reason or another, I get yelled at, get all worked up, end up spending the day crying...NOT THIS WEEK!

Last weekend I got a new phone, and the king doesn't have the number. Hands down the BEST decision I have ever ever ever made.

He was supposed to deposit a very large amount of money he owes me into my bank acct. by yesterday, he didn't. I spent the whole entire day yesterday crying. That money is for addy, how could he deny her anything. Every time I looked at her yesterday I started sobbing. Today my eyes are red, chapped and sore from crying so much. I didn't even know I had those many tears in me.

I'm not going to lie to you, but I have been lying to myself. For the last six months I have been expecting for adam to show up one day at the door or walk into work with fried chicken like he used to do when we fought (true former fatty fashion, he bribed me with food) but guess what, he hasn't come. He isn't coming. He is never coming back for us. Not for me. Not for his baby. This is our life now, he doesn't want us, he never will. But we have so much love and happiness around us that more then makes up for anything that crappy man could have ever given to us.

Yesterday broke my heart. It was like all the sudden I woke up. This isn't a deployment, we won't be going home next week to get the house ready for our Airman, make a banner, pick out homecoming outfits and bake all his favorite things. He's not ours anymore (not that we want him) and we are not his.

From today forward, Adaline is my family. I am a single parent. Addy Bear was born with two parents, but will be raised by only one, ME. It's time to stop waiting for life to happen, to wait for him to come rescue us. All he did was hurt and destroy us when we were a family anyways. As much as I am broken into a million pieces, as much as it kills me that he doesn't care, it's not going to change. I will be a stronger mom, woman, and future wife because of this terrible thing the king has done to us.

I will survive. We will survive with out him. We will be so much better off!!!!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

My warning for you...The truth....

Dear Robin and Kayla,

As I sit here today with tears streaming down my face and uncontrollable sobs echoing from my chest, as I hold onto my baby girl and mascara stained tears pool on her little bare back, I am reminded of the hell we endured. I am reminded that I am holding this baby, this beautiful, wonderful child who her father does not want. This innocent little girl who doesn’t know why mommy is crying, doesn’t know why the mail made her so upset, but knows that her mommy is hurting and wants it to stop. The words “don’t be sad Momma” crack through my heart as I am shaking and holding this perfect little creation of GOD who has people all around her that love her, but she doesn’t have the one thing every little girl needs…her Daddy.

I am writing you today to tell you the truth, to tell you my truth, to tell you what I know our Adam has not told you. From the packages and cards you have sent him, which got forwarded to me here in New York and the pictures you have posted to your facebooks I do believe you are good people, and I do believe he has completely lied to you about what really happened, and why he no longer has a family.

Adam has abused me mentally and physically for the last four years of our marriage, and the final thing that ended our marriage and broke our family apart was an affair. He had an affair with a woman named Bethany, whom he met on a trip to New Mexico, I’m sure much like the way he met you Kayla. I’m going to start at the beginning, I don’t think you could possibly understand the way I feel about this situation, I feel it is my duty to tell you the truth, you can take it for whatever it is worth to you, but I want you to know that the “sweet boy” you all have come to love, is not the real Adam.

Adam and I met when we were in sixth grade, we spent summers playing man hunt, and weekends at the mall with our friends. For years we were just friends, then one day he kissed me on the chair lift and that was it, I fell in love. He went home that day, and packed his stuff up from his then girlfriend’s house, and moved it into my house. Little did I know this was a pattern for my Adam. Even then at sixteen years old he was already so much of the man he was going to be, and I had no idea. Then she had told me to stay away from him, so did the girl before her. He had pushed one through the wall, literally, he pushed her so hard he pushed her through the sheet rock. The other girl told me stories of his controlling behavior, his grabbing her, bruising her, beating her up verbally. I didn’t believe them, I didn’t want to believe them. Not MY Adam. He was so sweet and so kind, those eyes, that smile. He was so funny and romantic, there is no way he would or could ever hurt anyone. How wrong I was.

I should have known by the way he got angry and peeled out of the driveway, or the way he disrespected my father. I should have known when he grabbed me by the shoulders late one night and slammed me against the bed repeatedly that he knew exactly what he was doing, it wasn’t a night terror. That was the “truth” we allowed ourselves to believe, because neither of us could believe what he had just done. The proposal also should have been a warning sign, in that I didn’t get proposed to. I got the ring box thrown at my head…we had picked it out together, I just wanted to wear it to the big family Christmas party the next day. After all, I did get to wear it, I had a big sparkly diamond on my finger, and a bruise on my temple where Adam threw the box at me so hard it left a mark. Wedding planning was not very stressful, those months went by quickly. Adam was living with my parents because his mom kicked him out for getting violent with her, and I was living with my grandparents. I remember being so mad at her for kicking him out, I just thought she was being so ridiculous, there is no way MY Adam could ever hurt a fly. Again, how wrong I was.

April came and went, Adam was off to Texas for his training with the Air Force. In September I would follow. In that little apartment in Wichita Falls I would have a taste of what was to come, but I could have never imagined how bad it would really be. All he did was yell, cut me down. He even broke my lap top because he was upset that I was talking to someone he didn’t approve of. Slammed the screen shut so hard that the lap top bounced and hit me in the chin leaving a bruise, the screen still is shattered in a million pieces sitting in my closet at home. He begged for a child, now he says he wanted a baby because he knew he was loosing me. I remember testing every morning praying it wouldn’t be positive, GOD please just show me a sign. After three weeks of trying to make a baby I found out I was pregnant with our first child. I was in tears when I told Adam, they weren’t happy tears.

October came and he would go on to Little Rock where he had two weeks of training to do before coming home to New York for a month to visit. In December we would travel across country to Little Rock, our new home. It was on that trip the first time I really clearly remember feeling it…he was mad because he couldn’t find the room to turn the u-haul around on the narrow country roads, of course that was MY fault. He hit me that day, he screamed and said awful things to me and then he slapped me rite across the face. I hit him back, that wouldn’t be the last time I would feel his frustration that way, directed towards me in the form of a physical blow.

The first time I remember it getting really bad was in January after we had been there a couple months, at this point I was starting to show, I was almost four months pregnant with our child, who we didn’t yet know was a girl. I honestly cannot even remember why but he hit me, he took his steel toe boot and he kicked me. I ran into our bedroom in our little two bedroom apartment and locked the door. He chased me, I can remember being so scared. He eventually pushed hard enough that he broke the door open, he put a hole in the wall behind the door, again this was the first but wouldn’t be the last time this same exact scene would play out.

Adaline came that following June. You would think he would have been a happy proud father, he wasn’t. In the few days following our return home from the hospital I should have been resting from my c-section and enjoying family time, I wasn’t. I would try to sleep when the baby slept, but every time I closed my eyes he would be rite there shoving his penis in my face, literally since the day we got home from the hospital. The King didn’t seem to understand the pain and trama my body had just gone through, as usual, he could only think about him self. Adaline would cry at night, and I would beg him to just go get her from beside our bed, change her and bring her to me so I could feed her. Instead he screamed at me, and she screamed louder. Adam never woke up with that sweet baby, not once. The physical abuse stopped for a while then, but the verbal abuse only got worse.

Four months after we brought Adaline home from the hospital Adam would deploy to Afghanistan for the first time. He would come home a few months later, we would buy a home, the same home you stayed in this past week Kayla. We would make a home in Arkansas for our family. I thought it would fix everything, make Adam happy. It only made things worse. Now the neighbors couldn’t hear, the yelling became more frequent, the physical blows did too.

When you were in the living room did you happen to notice the crescent shaped hole towards the bottom of the wall near the hall to the garage? That is where Adam threw a frying pan at me and missed, he patched the wall, and we forgot it ever happened. How about the hole near the baseboard by the laundry room, that had also been patched? That is where he threw a full water jug at me as I was walking into our bedroom, he missed Adaline by just a few inches, and again put another hole in the wall, but he patched it up, so that means it didn’t happen rite? WRONG! I know my husband, so I know you spent a lot of time in our bed, did you notice the hole behind the door, how bout the fact that the door knob had to be turned up instead of down, or that the door wasn’t exactly the same as the other ones in the house? Those were all separate incidences, Adam kicked the door in with his steel toe boots late one night when he got back from work because he was mad I asked him to stop at the store, so when he came in from the garage he just stuck his boot rite through the door. I honestly thought he was going to kill me that night, I remember calling my grandmother in tears telling her we needed to come home. I called back the next day, made excuses for MY Adam, both to her and to myself, I just wanted it to be okay. The door has since been replaced, and the shattered one burned. Did you notice the shoe marks on the walls in the living room, one by the tv and there are two I believe in the hall way by the guest bathroom and other bedrooms? I’m sure he painted over those huh? Adam loved to throw his shoes at me, the one that hit the wall by the tv almost hit Adaline rite in the head as she was coming around the corner from playing in her room. I cannot tell you the amount of times I walked around in capris in the 110* weather because I had bruises on my butt and legs from him, that would stay blue for days, he would kiss them and apologize, eventually they would turn yellow and fade. We would forget what happened, what choice did we have. I forgave him and moved on, but then it would only be a matter of days before it happened again. Did you notice the scar under Adam’s left eye, your right if you’re looking at him? That is from when I scratched him to try to get him off of me. He was holding me up against the wall by my throat, my feet where off the ground, Adaline was playing in the warm laundry and watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse just a room away. He was mad because I had spent the morning garage sailing and out to breakfast with the neighbor Alysha instead of doing the laundry like he thought I should be. He went to work two days later and told them the new puppy had scratched him, god forbid anyone know the truth, that perfect Adam was a monster. I had locked Adaline and I in the bedroom, he shook the handle till it broke, and when he pushed it open he pushed it so hard that it went through the wall. On the other side of the wall all of my Willow Tree Angels fell and were shattered on the floor, there are still some that are haphazardly glued together on the little buffet next to the kitchen table. Life went on like this for a while, a good two years. Every day I would be verbally abused, and once every couple weeks it would get physical. Adam would spend a few days pretending he was father of the year, taking Addy to do things, bringing me home my favorite things from the store, offering to cook dinner, but then something would set him off and the cycle would begin again.

Another deployment came and went, when he returned he started flying more and more. In August he went to New Mexico for a week or two. That’s where he met Bethany, a young blonde girl who worked at a sand which shop and was going to college in a military town. He showed her pictures of Addy and told her we were separating, that we weren’t in love any more. All of this was news to me. It was a few weeks after he returned before I found out. He returned home from work one Friday night with a case of beer, and said he was leaving, he’d be back in time to put Adaline to bed with me. He didn’t make it. Around two am I went out looking for him, I didn’t find him. He had turned his phone off, I was worried sick, it was storming and all I could think was that he was hurt. He wasn’t. He stumbled through the door a few hours later, he had driven home drunk. I tucked him in on the bathroom floor so he wouldn’t get cold while he slept in his soaked clothes, covered in his own vomit. Eventually I put all the lies together and found out about her. He slept with her, it was after he returned from Florida that I found a text message that said “I miss your amazing sex” I wanted to die. I gave him everything, I put up with all of his abuse, I tried to love him and pray for him through every step, every fit of abuse…and he was cheating on me with some nineteen year old girl he met one day. I ended up talking to Bethany, she told me all the lies he told her over those weeks, he had her convinced that he loved her, promised he would never leave, that he would always be there for her. But he left her, he doesn’t even remember her name, or anything about her. She was nothing to him.

In the midst of all of this Adam’s anger grew worse and worse, he was caught in a lie and he didn’t like it. He was more abusive physically and mentally then ever before. He told me that week “I (him) want you and that baby out of MY (his) house by Friday” I didn’t take him seriously. We had talked about counseling, we were going to make it work, we would pray, we would go talk to someone. I would spend the next week in my chair by the window watching Adaline play, crying and praying, and waiting for the next shoe to drop. One day in a fit of rage it did, he took my cell phone and threw it over the fence onto the vacant lot next door. He then jumped the fence to get it, he wanted to delete all the emails I had from Bethany, all the text messages I had screen capped of theirs, the pictures and the conversations so that he wouldn’t get in trouble at work. I locked him out of the house and ran across the street to Alyshas house, where I knew the baby would be safe. I honestly had never felt so afraid or seen so much anger in his eyes as I did that morning. I made two phone calls. One to his first shirt, and one to my parents. It was time to go home, it wasn’t safe there anymore. He removed Adam from the home, but of course Adam came anyways. Looking back now I should have called his personal cell phone that he gave me and had him come get Adam like he said he would, but I didn’t.

This was supposed to be temporary. Adam was supposed to come get us at Christmas, and we would be a family again. He would text at first to check on “his girls” he would tell me he loved us, and couldn’t wait to see us, but never made time to skype, and didn’t pay his child support in the beginning either, even though my family paid his bills to help him out, he still couldn’t and wouldn’t give Adaline and I any of HIS money. We signed our Separation agreement in October, he gave me full physical, and medical custody, and waived all visitation rights if I would give up my right to spousal support. The only contact with Adaline he was guaranteed was a skype date every Saturday morning. In the 30 something weeks since we have been home Adam has only made that skype date a priority maybe 6-7 times, other then that Adaline has not seen or heard from her father. I’m sure that’s not the story you have heard. What kind of man would give up all of his rights in favor of money…my husband, my Adam. In the six months since we have been separated Adam has not attempted to come see Addy, now I know that is because he was too busy spending his money to come see you and pretend everything was right in the world, or to fly you to see him. To stay in our home, and pretend that he was a good man who’s family left him. That we simply fell out of love. That’s not the truth.

My daughter no longer has a father, and I no longer have a husband because one day he decided he didn’t want us. He abused me for years, he cheated, he lied. And now he has replaced us with you. I look at his smile in those photos and see how it doesn’t touch his eyes, and I know it never will. You will be no different then me, or the two before me. He will charm you, once you are his he will abuse you, tear you apart, and leave you for someone else. It is what he does. My family loved him, the other girls families loved him too, he was perfect…till one day he wasn’t. I want you to know the truth. I want you to know the pain I have lived through, and I want you to know what inevitably your future with My Adam looks like. Did you happen to know we aren’t even divorced, that his divorce papers got thrown out in Arkansas because he couldn’t pay his lawyer? You are sleeping with, and falling in love with a married man. A man who has a family who loves and wants him very a much. A man who threw his family away his wife of four years, and other half for seven, for some young blonde, and then moved on to you in a matter of weeks.

I feel as though I need to tell you this, whatever you choose to take from this is up to you. I pray you take it for the truth that it is, I hope you can see the pain in my story, and the heart break that I feel for my sweet little Addy who now will grow up with out a father, because HE GAVE HER UP. Because he can pretend to be good for only so long before the bad takes over and the truth comes out. Adam used to tell me after the abuse came and we would cry, that he “felt like he was living a lie” and he was, he was pretending to be good and he just wasn’t he just can’t. Did you not think it was odd that this week when you met all the people that you did at the party that none of them knew me or Addy? That’s because all of our family friends, and all of the relationships Adam had, they all cut him out. They all know what he did, they all know what he gave up, and the kind of woman he cheated on, they know he turned away from his family and gave up his child, and they want nothing to do with him anymore.

I know you think it will be different, and that you can’t imagine him being that monster I have described now, but I promise you, you can’t love the bad out of that broken boy, I tried and I failed. Not because of anything I did, but because he can’t love, because this life is all he knows, because this is exactly what his father did to his mother, including the abuse and cheating, and it’s exactly what he did to the three other mothers of his children. Adam has left Adaline and I with nothing, he moved rite on to you, and he doesn’t even care. He never loved us, not really, and he will never be any different with you. He is a danger to himself and everyone around him. Remember that every single day I sing you are my sunshine to my sweet baby, alone, because he father doesn’t WANT her. Is that the sweet thoughtful Adam you know? I didn’t think so.

All the Best,
Adam’s Wife

Weigh In Wednesday: Week 11.

So what do ya'll think of my new Hubby Jack Design? Seriously, you have to get yourself one. Thank you HJ I lurveee it. I'm sure you divas follow HJ, he' the husband to Holly, who is seriously one of my favorite bloggers in blog land. His blog is hilarious, he picks on us womens & I love it! Thanks again HJ I love it!

Can you divas believe it's already week 11? I know I can't! I was looking through my pictures last night and couldn't believe the dates on some of them, this year so far has just FLOWN by. Not really okay with that, my itty bitty will be three this year in June, so seriously time, slow the flip down!

So this last week was a great one. I hit the over 100 pounds lost mark on Friday and was officially down 104 pounds. It feels great, I think about all the things I've been through over the last 100 pounds, and I honestly cannot believe I survived.

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As you know I finally got the guts to try crossfit. I'm addicted. Literally all I think about all day is what the WOD is going to be that night. Usually K sends it to me in the morning, so I have all day to look forward to it and can plan my bra accordingly. I can't tell you enough how amazing of an expirence it is. It is absolutely so intimidating to walk through those doors, but you leave feeling accomplised, strong, and fearless.

For me this is helping a lot with this whole divorce nonsense. The King isn't what dominates my thoughts all day, hell we don't even talk to The King. He is part of our old life. This new life will yeild a stronger me, physically and mentally, new freindships, new people to love us, and HAPPINESS. We will be happy for the first time in a long time. In the last six months of our seperation there haven't been many times where I can even remember feeling happy at all. Today I can honestly say that I am completely overwhelmed with love and happiness & am so beyond thankful to every single person in mine and Addy's life. Good things are ahead of us King-LaPoint girls!!!

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So Friday I was down six pounds for the week, putting me at a total loss of 104 pounds. Monday morning I was up four of those pounds, and today I was down one pound that I had gained. ANNOYING. I think for a while at least I need to take a little hiatius from the scale. Number one I'm going to be building muscle, my muscles are probably going to try and retain a little water because of the new trama they're expirencing. So for the first month that bitch scale and I are breaking up.

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It has been a hard adjustment to listen to my body when it says it's hungry this past week. I'm used to my 1200 calories and nothing more, a break from that routine makes me start twitching, not even kidding. This is what I've been doing and it's been working. I've found that I'm NEEDING to eat something ever three hours or so, otherwise I start feeling light headed. I force myself to eat, thinking I'm not hungry then as soon as the food hits my mouth I gobble down whatever it is at record speed! Not relying on the scale, and upping my calories is going to be an adjustment that I'm going to have to get used to. I'm going to try to stay around 1,500-1,700, play with that for a couple weeks and see how it goes.

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The body I have now is not the body I want six months from now. I don't even care if I stay this weight for the rest of my life, as long as I'm strong. I'm going to mark my accomplishments in strength instead of weight lost from now on. This week I maxed out my hang clean at 75 pounds, which is good, but I know I could have done more. My back squat maxed out at 75 as well, I KNOW for that I'm strong enough to do more but my lovely knee started to do this awesome snappy thing that scared the crap out of me. I couldn't break 90* either, which ticked me off, but it is NOT worth an injury, I need to really baby this old injury for a few weeks until I get stronger. Another thing that's hard for me, I hate not suceeding.

Seriously if cross fit is something you are even curious about, do it ladies! It is the most freeing rewarding expirence ever!!!! I cannot wait to see what's to come in the next months, I can already notice changes in my body, and mental changes too. Out of this whole awful nasty life change I am turning into a strong, confident, unstoppable woman! The strength physically that crossfit gives me is just a bonus, the mental benefits are unparalleled!

Friday, March 15, 2013

My Biggest Fear Comes Creeping In...

That you never loved me or her or anyone or anything...

Last night crossfit was the most amazing experience of my life. I made my body do things I didn't think it was capable of. How humbling to walk out of there with a little waddle and know you accomplished something great. The people were fanominal , the instructor was great, the other crossfiters were amazing too. I felt intimidated walking in that door, and left feeling like part of something. Something greater then the broken family I've been trying so desperately to put back together. I cried when I told my mom about it, that's how much I loved it. For me it's about more then just a work out it's about the humbleness and intimidation you feel walking in and the sheer pride you feel walking out. I have gone through hell and back in the last six months...this is just one more thing to show my strength. Not to anyone myself. Competing against yourself is not something I'm familiar with, but I absolutely love it. I have found my sport. I am an athlete. I will never ever stop!

I returned home on a high, that was quickly demolished. I walked into a book addressed to Adam King and Kayla Skaggs, with MY home address on it. Like any other women in the world I Searched her on FB...her profile picture is glaring back at me with my stupid husbands face cheesing away holding onto her like he used to hold onto me. They've been together since October, mind you we left at the end of September. The King moves fast apparently. He went to her home in California and met her parents for his birthday, spent however many days with them. What a fucking looser.

Did he ever love me? Did he ever love our daughter? Did he ever really mean any of the things he said? How in the hell are we so easily replaceable!?! I sit here and best myself up day after day and wonder if I did the right I know I did. Thank you Lord for this final sign, I now know who the king really is.

I do feel so sorry for that poor girl though, I don't think she realizes that she's walking into hell. A man who left his family. A man who abused his wife physically and emotionally. A man who cheated and lied. A man who moved on from a seven year relationship with in weeks and into her bed. A man who is MARRIED still. The thought of her being in my home this weekend is enough to make me dry heave. That beautiful home that I put so much time into making perfect for my king, for my family. I wonder if she will look around at the patched holes in the walls and know that those are there because the king threw a frying pan at me, or a full water bottle, or slammed the door open because I was hiding because he had just hit me. I wonder if she knows Adam and I have been best friends since we were 13 and I know that man inside and out. I wonder if she knows she won't be able to fix him, you can't love the hurt out of that man, you can't fix his scars...and because of those things he is crazy. He will only do to her what he did to me and the two girls before me. Control her, abuse her, and leave her. Hopefully he doesn't leave her with a child too.

I could vomit. I definitely cried. Was I really that stupid? Did I really not know all this time as we were talking late at night about being a family again that he was really with HER! It makes me sick the lies that man is capable of, his ability to detach himself from his feelings is amazing...and disturbing. We are a family. We made a life, and it was SO easy for him to walk away.

Finally I am too. Rot in hell King. You have broken me for the very last time. I hope your girlfriend enjoys our house and your charming ways for as long as they last...

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Weigh In Wednesday: CrossFit Mama.

Weigh in Wednesday...On a Thursday. Womp Womp.

Crossfit Mamma:
A title I've been lusting after for y e a r s.

Follow me on IG @alnicolek

There is just something about the accomplishment that you feel or I imagine you feel as you end a work out laying flat on your back in a puddle of your own sweat and probably vomit knowing you just literally gave EVERYTHING you had inside you for that short period of time. I imagine you leave the box {that's what "they" call a crossfit gym, reminds me of some primal cavemand name "box" simple...but holy cow, that shizz is no joke}.

One hundred pounds ago I was up to my eyeballs in self doubt. I lived with an abusive man who never told me other wise. Over these last months as I lost more and more weight, and finally made the decision to leave his sorry butt behind, a new more confident woman has found her way to the surface. I look back on the last four years of my marriage and see the way I survived and overcame a rather, frankly, devastatingly shitty situation. From here on out I don't think life will be easy by any means, but everytime it gets hard, I can look back on that day I made the decision to leave and know that I can do anything.

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It just so happens that the "anything" I want to do rite now is Crossfit. Do ya'll follow my lady friend Shelly from Shelly No Belly? Well you should. She's a Texas mom of two who entered this weight loss competition, and when the day came that she would be matched up with the gym that would be sponsoring her along her journey. She got matched up with Crossfit Waco. I imagined she about died on the spot from intimidation, I know I would have. If she failed it wouldn't be just her she was letting down, this was a highly publicised event in her local area. Shelly did it, and she's doing it. It's been almost nine weeks not since she walked into that box. Inside she wrote me about the love and support she recieved from the start. The endless encouragement, and the pride she feels everytime she acomplishes something great. She recently competed for the crossfit games and surprised her self with the astounding progress she has made in such a short time. Shelly, girl, you are a rockstar!

Needless to say I am so inspired by her ability to walk into such an intense work out with out prepping. That was always my fear when I was fat {not that I don't still have work to do, and I'm far from skinny, but I don't call myself fat anymore} that I wasn't "ready". You all know what I mean, "oh I'll sign up for the gym once I've lost some weight" ha, how is that productive at all. Not that I belong to a gym currently, I've lost all 100 of my pounds the old fashioned way, eating well most of the time walks with Adaline, Running with the jogging stroller, and at home work outs such as body pump and turbo fire.

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I am so motivated by the transformations I see of people who do crossfit, particularly the women. You would think this was mostly a male dominated meat head sport, it's not. I would say that we "soccer moms" make up a vast majority of the crossfit following. We birthed ten pound babies afterall, we can flip a mothereffing tire and do blurpees till our legs go numb. DUH.

I am doing really well in the diet bet, I lost three pounds this week, and ya'll know I have been struggling to just loose one pound a week, let alone three. I am hoping to be able to win enough money to pay for part of my first month of Crossfit, it's $80 for a month of unlimited classes. Which honestly isn't that bad. I'm a little intimidated by my old ACL tear, but I trust the trainer and I trust that he will make sure to guide me in a way that I will be able to strengthen the muscles around my injury with out completely destroying it even more.

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I will do this and I will feel like the Queen of the World when I'm finished. It's a battle with yourself, one which I think I can win. I cannot wait to go for the first time. I hope I survive...I know I will. And I know I have all of you on my side as always. I love you girls, and I am so thankful for the relationships I have formed with each and every one of you. xoxo

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Don't You Know I'm Not Your Ghost Anymore....

No, I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?


It was six and a half years ago, I was freshly seventeen, and miserable. I was giving myself to boys who never promised me anything, but who I was sure would put the light back into my eyes. They didn't. Then one day, he spoke to me for the first time in a long time...We never spent a day apart again.

We danced around with butterflies fluttering in our insides for weeks. Despite all the drama, we felt untouchable. We rescued each other. We NEEDED each other. Him and I. On December twenty first, before the sun even came up and while the windows were still covered in frost, he kissed me. For the first time in a long time I felt my soul light up.

We rushed home, in my parents basement while everyone was away, we made love that morning. It was all we both ever imagined. We kept saying over and over again how we waited for this for so long. He whispered in my ear that he had thought about this very moment every day since he first saw me six years before. It was wonderful, it was magical. We cried, we loved.

We spent the next eighteen months with tunnel vision. We ate, slept and breathed each other. No one else mattered, nothing else mattered. Nights ended late with us tangled up in each other, mornings started early in the same way. We hated college, home was a mess. Neither of us felt like we had one anymore. But we had each other. On December sixth less then a year after our first night together he signed on the dotted line. Two weeks later I was wearing his ring.

The proposal should have been a red flag in that I never got proposed to. I knew he had the ring, I had picked the thing out for goodness sakes. I begged, I wanted to wear it I wanted everyone to see my big sparkly ring, and know I was his. He ended up throwing the ring box at my head...I went to our family christmas party the next day with a bruise on my temple and a ring on my finger.

After five months of wedding planning we were married on April 3, 2009. We spent three nights in an alternate universe, in a beautiful hotel suite, alone. On April 6th he would leave for nine months. Neither of us knew how much that nine months would change our life. At the end I joined him, he begged for a child. He knew he was losing me. A child would make me stay.

We made a baby. We fought like crazy, I knew then I wanted out. He'd scream and cut me down, break things, and scold me. He scared me. I knew it was only a matter of time before I felt his anger in a physical way. Then one day I woke up to take a test for the 100th time thinking it would be negative and thanking God. I couldn't wait to go home, I did not want to have this man's baby. This is not the man I fell in love with, he was no longer safe.

Two.Pink.Lines. I went to the bed where he was sleeping and told him that I was pregnant. He rolled over gave me a kiss, we made love, then went back to sleep. I cried myself to sleep that morning, they weren't happy tears. I always knew a day would come when I would be all alone with that baby. I knew I didn't want him to be the father of my sweet child. I could protect myself, and now it was my job to protect MY baby.

We would go home for a month before we moved away for good. Once we were there, after three days in the car, that was the first time I felt it. A slap across the face, because he was lost on a country road and I didn't know where we were, god forbid. I reacted with out thinking, I punched him across the face. That would be the last time I would hit him in that way, but I would never stop fighting back. In the years to come my self defense would come in the form of scratches and pinches, he would go to work with scrapes on his face and tell all of his friends that the dog scratched him. God forbid anyone know the truth...that The King had me held against the wall by my throat because the laundry wasn't folded, and I scratched him to get him off of me while my sweet baby sat playing in the warm freshly laundered clothes pile only a room away.

For the past four years of our marriage it has been a living hell. Life would be picture perfect, then one day he would snap. It became predictable. I learned how to handle it. I learned how to calm him down, and I learned how to smile like nothing happened, I learned how to protect us. Every time it happened I threatened to go home. I wanted to with everything inside me, but I would never leave, I was far too loyal for that...

At the end things were finally getting better, or so I thought. We were communicating, we were enjoying each other, the fights were less. Laying in bed one day after a long trip away I saw the first message, I asked about it and was told it was some guy, I don't remember the name he told me...but it was bullshit. And I believed it. A week later he came home from work on a Friday early with a case of beer. He said he was leaving, and didn't bother asking if I wanted to come. He turned off his phone. Around two am I went out looking for him in the rain. I didn't find him. At three am he came through the door. He had driven home drunk, he passed out in his own vomit on the bathroom floor. Who the HELL was this person?

The next night we were laying in bed watching youtube movies together when the text came acres the screen. "have a good night :*" That was it, I made him talk, I was calm, I made him talk, I wanted to see her, I wanted to speak to her, I wanted to know everything, how it happened, what had happened, why it happened. He had no answers, he was sorry. But it was too late. It was what I'd been waiting for all along. I'd take the fall, I'd take the risk, I'd start over it would be worth it...nothing was worth this life.

My sweet little girl was growing, faster then I ever thought possible and the months were just ticking away. I was wounded in a way I knew I would never recover from, not as long as I stayed there. I would leave. It was too late.

Six months ago today Adaline and I left Arkansas. It was by far the easiest, and hardest decision I ever made. I knew I did not want that awful man to be the one to raise my child. But I didn't want to do it alone either. Now six months later I know I will never have to. As Adaline would say when I ask her if she's my baby, "No I my family's baby" We have more love surrounding us today then that man could have ever given to us. Not because he was incapable, but because he was unwilling.

Six months later I am stronger then I ever thought I could be. I see the light as the cold air is surrounding us and the sun comes through the clouds and I am playing soccer with my little princess and her great grandmother, my Nana. Someone she would have never known had we stayed, not the way she knows her now. For that I am thankful.

I want with everything inside me for this to all be over with, I want The King out of our lives, I want to move forward and continue building a foundation of a life for my sweet innocent girl. The life I shared with her father was on a foundation built of sand, I won't make that mistake again. She will never know the pain and fear and sadness I felt every day. There will never come a day where she feels unloved, because I spent so many days with those feelings while I was married to her father. She will never feel unsure of her self or insecure. and neither will I. I will teach her what strength is, and what love is. I will teach her to laugh and I will hold her when she cries, and I will feel stronger every single day knowing I did it, I'm doing it...With out him.

It's been six and a half years since we first made love, exactly six months since the last time I felt him inside me. It's been three years eleven months and ten days since we said I do. He no longer has any power in our lives, he cannot hurt me and he cannot hurt my sweet sweet baby. He will never be anything more then he is rite now...and our life will only get better. I cannot wait for the next six months to be over with so I can finally file for divorce, if they are anything like the last six months then there is lots of growth to be had, and love to share. I cannot wait.

We will do it with out him.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

It's Wednesday But...let's talk about sex

Well, I know today is supposed to be WIW, and please go see my co-host Erin if you want some WIW topical material. Today I have none of that for you. Sorry, I'm not sorry..

Today I would like to talk further about my panick attack, controling, maniac ways. I can honestly say there is not a time in my twenty-something years that I haven't felt totally in control of my life. That is obviously until The King cheated, kicked us out, and broke my heart. For years and years I made sure my life looked like the perfect little shiny package with a perfect little designer bow on top, the kind of wrapping they do at Nordy's at Christmas Time. It wasn't. It never has been.

I guess some people would call it spoiled, I don't see it that way. I just see it as, this is how my life has always been, so why would I accept anything less. Daddy works hard, Mom stays home, we have everything. That's the way it's supposed to be. But life doesn't always work out that way.

My parents met in highschool and have been together now for almost thirty years. In my teenage years I was constantly looking for a husband. Freekish and not typical, I know. But I just wanted a family. I wanted to go away to school with my boyfriend, graduate from college four years later with a ring and a fiance, who would eventually become my husband, and shortly thereafter the father of my children. Whom of course I would stay home and raise, possibly even home-school.

That's not exactly how it happened, as you know if you've been following along. Adam and I were highschool sweet hearts but we ditched college in favor of him persuing a military career. It was quite possibly the worst choice we ever made. It was a disaster from the start. I sure knew how to make it look pretty though. In a nice little patriotic package filled with pride, strength, and endurance, with a pretty star spangled bow made of love and affection, spoiling and indulging.

For the last six years I have lived in Adam's shadow, Adam's world. I never felt sparkly enough to stand next to him in his sexy little flight suit. I was proud of course, and I took on the role as military-wife with honor. I think I faked it quite well, because I was absolutely miserable. Sex became the only thing that bound us together. Coincidentally it also became the very thing that would tear us apart. Only it wasn't our sex that tore us apart...that was perfect, and magical, and everything it was supposed to be. Or so I had myself convinced.

Before Adam I went through a breif year or two of very permiscuious behavior. I had lost my soul mate, the man who I truly to this day think I was meant to be with all along, and I was scrambling to fill that void. And I did so with three other men, boys, I suppose they were boys then. The attention, the sex, the complanionship, the rush of being thier first...eventhough I knew it wasn't love. It still felt special. In those moments we still belonged to eachother, in those moments I felt whole.

Looking back at mine and Adam's life, there was a turning point, a time where I can now realize he stopped being the one to roll over and nuzzle my neck. Or to intitate the dreaded male version of foreplay...a butt poke with his little fairly stiff friend. He told me he was tired of being the one to always intitate the I started to take control. And he happily let me. It was around that time that the tables seemed to shift. It was as if that was the final bit of control Adam felt he had in his life, and he gave it to me. I didn't want it. I could feel it in the way that he kissed me. I knew something was wrong, and then a few weeks later I found out about Bethany. How could I have been surprised.

In my last attempt to grasp onto every shred of control I made sure the separation papers listed that this would be a "religious divorce" and neither of us were allowed to have any type of relationship with the opposite sex until we were officially divorced. At the time it made sense, if I couldn't have him, then I was hell bent that no one could. I was convinced that if he could just be with out me in every way for any length of time that he would realize how much he needed me. I felt that hunger every time he came home from a long trip, or returned from a deployment. Surely this time would be the same. It's wasn't, and it isn't. A couple weeks ago, well maybe a month or two ago...I tried to convince him to have phone sex with me. How embarassing. I seriously could have crawled under the bed and died when he turned me down. It broke my heart for him not to want me that way, even when things were bad, even the morning I left to move home we had sex "one last time".

The point is, now six months ago I separated from my husband. I included a stipulation in our little agreement that we both signed saying that neither of us could have a relationship. But I want one. Ultimately I would love for it to be with him. I would love for him to have an ephifiany and come running home a changed man, but that isn't going to happen. In the ten+ years since I started dating I have never been alone, never. I have felt most complete when someone was holding my hand. I have felt most loved when someone was inside me, coincidentally I also felt the most alone in those moments. Why now am I feeling as though I could easily launch myself down the same destructive, heart breaking path. I just want to feel loved. Not in the way Adaline loves me, or my family loves me, that completes me in a different way. Why do I feel like I need to be WITH someone to be myself? Why am I so scared of being alone? Why do I base all my self worth in a man needing and wanting me, of how good I can cook and clean and balance life and be the perfect little stepford wife? Why do I put so much emphasis on the way it looks from the outside when inside I am literally crumbling apart?

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


Hey Divas!
Earlier today I read a post by my girl Lora.
She was talking about the blogging funk she's been in and I can totally relate rite now.
Six months ago I couldn't get enough, I had so much to say and to get out.
I loved getting to know you all, and for all of you to get to know me.
That hasn't changed.
What has changed is through these past few months I think I'm becoming withdrawn a little, maybe a little quiet.
I've really been praying to see the lesson in this awful, terrible, no good, very very bad "season" in my life.
I feel like God keeps telling me to be quiet and listen.

Through my time with PJ I spent a few weeks crying, and trying to figure out how the hell this could happen to me.I had a beautiful home filled with pottery barn, floors you could eat off of, I baked every day, and cooked every meal for my husband. I hosted play groups, spent time with my girl friends, spent evenings playing with Adaline and exercising with Alysha. Nights were spent with a glass of wine with my husband, and weekends were spent snuggling, or hiking, or landscaping and cleaning. We threw parties and had BBQ's every weekend. We had so much fun. And our life was perfect. At least that's how it looked, at least that's what everyone thought. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't even close.

I am a control freak. Vacuum lines not being perfectly defined, or tooth paste splattered on the mirror could send me into a tail spin. Grass on the floor from wet feet coming out of the pool would literally send me on a cleaning frenzy on the verge of a panic attack. I was a maniac. I lost myself. I lost so many precious moments with my sweet Adaline because I was more worried about the grout not being what enough. I lost who I was, I lost the ability to laugh. I lost my friendship with my husband. I lost my best friend. Most importantly I lost sight of God.

Blogging has become hard in my quiet time. Having friends has been hard. And I have lost a couple very good ones, but I've also found some old ones again. I remember why I love them, they remind me of when I was happy and being with them is so effortless. They're my safe place. My family is my safe place. I feel so fortunate for this home I have been able to come home to while I figure out what to do next, while I find myself again and lick my wounds. This doesn't so much feel like my safe place any more. It did. I loved being able to type away and know that no one I knew was going to see it. All of you would, but it was our little secret. Now that The King has read my doesn't feel anymore. Everything I write I think about wether or not he's reading it and what he would I really want him to know how raw and broken I still am?

Anyways, the point is I'm having trouble finding my voice...or hearing it I guess. I'm stuck in the quiet place. I'm lonely even in a room full of people. I feel so much guilt for my life falling apart, for Adaline not having her father...and I can't get over it.

Monday, March 4, 2013

The Secret...

For the last month or two I've been a depressed pile of hott mess!
Not that I've been eating a lot, but I have just been making bad choices,
It happens. Life Happens.
And I managed to maintain the same weight for 8 weeks...
Last week when I started this Advocare Cleanse...all of that changed.

I've been thinking about this post for a while, I get super annoyed when people comment on some of the fitness IG accounts or Blogs I follow and ask things like, "what brand of paper plates do you use?" I kid. That does annoy me, but what really gets me going is when people are like, "how did you get that body, tell me the secret." {Disclaimer, I do not have an issue with asking for guidence, I have an issue with the idea that people think there is some super secret recipe for weight loss.}

The Secret is there is NO secret...

What it really breaks down to is your calories in need to be less then your calories the end of the day if you have a 500 calorie deficite you will loose one pound in seven days.

STOP STARVING YOURSELF. You're body will eat it's own muscle tissue, and you will be left with a "skinny fat" body. Think about it in terms of a piece of meat if that makes it easier for, when I eat a steak I cut all of the oooey gooey fat off and eat the muscle tissue. It has more nutrients, lean protine, and well fat is chewy and gross. Your body will do the same thing, it gets more nutrients from the muscle so it will eat that up before it starts to digest the fat.

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Seriously, which would you rather have?

BUILD MUSCLE. When you start weight training, especially if you're a recovering cardio queen, you will more then likely gain weight. Muscle weighs more then fat, but takes up less room. Heavier, but less inches. Also, to build muscle you have to cause some type of "trama" to your muscles. As a protective measure your body will hold onto water weight and store it to help your muscles recover. Don't be discouraged, there have been months where I didn't loose a single pound but I lost a pant size because I was weight training. And stop being a wimp, put away your 5 pounder granny weights...find a barbell, load on the weight and get to sweating.

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DRINK YOUR WATER. You should be peeing as much as a woman who's 9 months pregnant with a 10 pound baby kicking her bladder. On average I drink at least a gallon of water a day, it's so important to remain hydrated.

FEED YOUR BODY FOR FUEL. Your diet should consist of vegetables, fruit,whole grains and lean protien. The things I eat the most are: salad, protein meal replacement shakes, almound milk, unsalted cashews, think thin bars, hard boiled egg whites, apples, natural PB, oranges, chicken. Now I'm not going to pretend like I don't eat pizza, or french fries. Clearly I do. And I don't intend on giving up those foods any time soon. On Fridays when we eat pizza I fill my plate with salad and then eat a slice of pizza. Much better then eating half a pizza. You have to learn moderation. Weight loss is all about give and take. Is that piece of pizza worth an hour in the gym...hells yes if it is, then eat it. Deprivation is setting yourself up for failure. If you're at a birthday and everyone is eating cake, go ahead and have a piece. For me that piece of cake during the party will keep me from sneaking around in the dark eating half of the sheet cake in the middle of the night.


I hope you Divas had a good weekend, I know I sure did with my Addy bear! On Saturday she even fell asleep in my bed with me, that hasn't happened in a long long time. I fall even more in love with her every day. She is my sun and my moon. my bestest, littlest friend. She's my family. Eventhough it's not the conventional two parent two-point-five children, nuclear's mine. It's ours. A village is truly raising my child and we are SO blessed to have our family in our life. This weekend while Addy was watching her favorite show {the episode just happened to be titled, grown ups come back} and she looked at my mom and said "My daddy not come back for me, Mim. Grown-ups come back" I was down in the kitchen getting her juice and I heard it and wanted to crawl under the counter and die. Instead it just made me really feel solid in my decision that Addy shouldn't be around Adam. He's not dependable, and he didn't want us. He is not a grown-up. We have so many people around us that can love us, both of us, he chose to stop...I'm not unlovable, Adddy is certainly not unlovable...The King is just really missing out. He is a complete idiot. He will regret this one day. In the mean time my heart is starting to be able to be filled with joy again. Loving Adaline, and watching everyone around us love her is making it so much easier to get through this. I honestly feel like this is the right thing, I can see a future with my girl, and it doesn't have The King in it. When I think about it, I'm not sure if I could really ever picture us old and gray together...not in a long time...

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Everybody go join my girl, my fellow WIW host, and my dear friend Erin's dietbet {HERE} The pot is already over $1000 It starts the 6th, which also happens to be weigh in wednesday, and the final weigh in is April 3rd...My 4th wedding anniversary. I cannot think of a better way to celebrate then eight el-bees lighter.