Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I know the shame in your defeat.

"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I will let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"

The choices when we are too young to fully understand the potential concequences they can yeild are the most potentially damaging, life defining choices we will ever make.

When we are young we all dream of happily ever after. We find someone who we think will give us that, and we hold on tight. Sometimes too tight. From the outside looking in, everything was perfect, or so it seemed.

Twelve months ago I was living my dream. We had a beautiful home, a beautiful child, and plans to make another that fall. I had no idea that in the weeks to come everything was going to fall apart. I had no idea what I had coming for me that August as the walls of his lies came tumbling down around us. The feeling as I saw that text message, and then sat there on the bathroom floor as he told me the truth behind it is a feeling I will never ever forget. I didn't even cry as he told me about her, a different her than the her that currently lives in MY home...about them, I think it was the out I had been waiting for.

Thinking back to the day that we got married four and a half years ago I can honestly say that as my Daddy walked me down the isle towards the boy waiting for me at the alter, I knew it would inevitably end this way. I never pictured myself old and gray with him. In my dreams the man sitting beside me in a rocking chair as our grandchildren surrounded never was him. Even then he was abusive, distant, cold...scary. Even then I knew I was far better off alone then I ever would be with him. He took a strong faithful young girl and made her his wife. He tried to make me question myself and my worth, and for years I did. Until I found out about the others I constantly questioned if I was enough. Once I found out the truth there was no more question, I KNEW I was more then enough. I was more then he ever deserved.

Today we have court in Arkansas. I am literally physically ill as I think of him in that court room with her next to him. As I think of the lies he will tell if given the chance. But I also find comfort in the fact that nomatter if court is here or there, I will have a chance to tell my truth. A chance to show who I am, what I lived through, and how that made me who I am today. Today five years later, five years older, five years stronger and wiser I am the woman and mother that I was meant to be. There will never come a day when I will stop fighting for those little blue eyes, she is my whole world and I will die protecting her.

When I think of her little face looking up at me as he held me against the wall and she said "Daddy why you do that to my Mommy" I could crawl up in a ball and die. But I won't. That is something that child will never see again. That is a fight I will never surrender. I will at all costs protect my baby girl from becoming me, from becoming his battering post. Never will he ever be alone with that child. Never will she ever know the pain and guilt and self hate I felt. Never will she have to feel like she needs to fight back. I will NEVER ever, ever let that become her reality.

The reality is that when she was made, she was made in love, and it is love that she will be raised in. The abuse that began as she grew in my belly that first January we lived in Arkansas is something she will never know. I have grown so strong in the last twelve months, it has taken a lot of tears and heart ache...and a few lessons I would have preferred not to have had to learn. But I survived. I will always survive. I will always fight for the truth that I know.

How we pick ourselves up is what defines who we are as humans...not the fall.


  1. I don't know you, personally, but I am so proud of you! To have come out a stronger woman than when you went in says a lot about your character. I hope things go well for you and your court date today (even if you can't be there).

  2. I second the comment above mine. I've been reading your blog for a few months now, and reading this made my eyes totally well up. The fact that you can talk about this and help other women out there realize their worth is what makes you such an incredible person.

    Thank you for sharing your story and for remaining so strong. Don't ever forget that strength. You are an inspiration, and though some of us readers don't know you personally, I still look at the bloggers that I follow as friends. We share your life with you. So thank you. You're amazing.

  3. Just remember that he may think he can lie and weasel his way through things, but the judge sees this stuff every single day... they are professionals in the courts and they know. He may lie and try to deceive, but they know.

  4. God bless you and your girl, and good luck in court today. Just remember that regardless of what happens, you are teaching your daughter valuable lessons about how to be a strong, self-sufficient woman and a loving person/mother.