What If Girls Were Encouraged to Be Strong...

What If Girls Were Encouraged to Be Strong Instead of Skinny...

Everyone has that pair of jeans in their closet from their high school days that they are just dying to fit into. There's this one pair that I have had saved, I remember I wore them on my first date with Adam seven years ago, and haven't fit in them since...well this morning I got a, hmm what some might call, a wild hair up my ass, and tried them on. They FIT! Three weeks ago I couldn't get them up over my butt, this morning I not only got them over my butt...I also zipped and buttoned them with no muffin top! Whattt Whattt!

Anyways the point is this, in highschool we all just want to be a size zero. We are taught that the skeletal model who's skin is literally hanging off her bones is the ideal of perfection. Not only in the eyes of the males around us, but in the eyes of other women. Sorry Dudes, honestly we don't get dressed or starve ourselves for you, we do it for other girls.

I can remember being in a size two, and standing in the mirror pinching my "fat"...looking in the mirror loathing my "fat" butt, and my big boobs. I hated them. I hated myself. I would go to school, chew gum all day so that I didn't get hungry, drink some "peach and papaya" falvored juice drink loaded with high fructose corn syrup, then come home from school and sleep through dinner so I didn't have to think about food. I would wake up do my homework and eat some stupid toast with mozzerella cheese on it then go back to bed. I didn't exercise, I didn't pay attention to my caloric intake or the nutrituonal value in anything. I just focused on the number on the tag of my Abercrombies. The summer when my hips came in and my boobs grew and I had to buy a size six when we went school shopping...I thought I would die.

Never then at 140 pounds, with zero muscle tone, could I have imagined that I could have reached a staggering 289 pounds the day I went in to give birth to my sweet little Addy Bear. That thought still makes me sick. In my journey back down into "onderland" I learned so much about myself. I think a lot of it has to do with the divorce, and the removal of Adam from our lives...but as I sit here today I feel like more of a strong, complete, honorable woman then I ever have before. I am strong, in every sense of the word and that is amazing...

I look next to me at crossfit last night and the room is filled with people that I love. My Adaline, who is doing "box jumps" and wanting to pick up the bar. At home she does "exercises" and tells everyone when she grows up shes going to "ecessercise like Momma". She has little pink dumbells, and thinks jump roping is the coolest thing ever, and dangg that girl can squat. My heart swells up with pride. My child has looked at me and seen the positive example I am setting every day and she wants to be strong!! The room is filled with people that love me and my beebe...other women that want to be strong. Those same girls that were next to me in highschool killing themselves, literally, to fit into the size 00 jeans at Weathervane. Now here we all are with chalk on our hands, hair thrown up on top of our heads, squating down to pick up a bar with 200+ pounds on it. Clearly still looking like divas while doing it...I mean obviously. Now when we stand in the mirror we flex our muscles insead of pinching our non-existent fat. Yes I flex in the mirror...every morning.  Now as grown women we are inspired by, and inspiring eachother to be strong! To pick up that weight that we would have never even thought we could...to love ourselves, to challenge ourselves every day to do better, be stronger.

I look in the mirror now at my obnoxiously large calves, my big booty and my ridiculiously thick thighs and I LOVE them! They are powerful. They are strong. They allow me to squat hundreds of pounds. They allow me to run, to walk, to carry my child AND the groceries. They are the base to my entire exsistence, every functional movement we make every day uses our legs. That is a heavy load they need to carry, I am grateful for my legs some people might call "big" or "fat" because they are strong!

The point I am trying to make is what if instead of teaching girls that skinny  scrawny frames with clothes draped off them and hip bones pertruding from their waistbands was sexy...What if we tought girls that STRONG IS SEXY. We are the women who will shape the next generation. Their self esteem, their values, the way they see themselves. What if they based their self worth on the amount of push-ups, or how strong their back squat is instead of the number on the inside of their jeans! Would that be the worst thing in the world? I want my daughter to be strong, I see the way picking up heavy things and puting them down has changed my outlook on physique and life in general in just two short months...I want her to grow up with a strong spirit, a strong body...I want her to love herself. I want her to be proud of who she is and what she is capable of. Not be proud that she starved herself and can now finally fit into a pair of size 0 pants!!!

WIW: 10 Things Crossfit Has Taught Me

Ahh It's Wednesday again. I decided to extend my blogging break, I needed some time, I took it. Now I am back refreshed & wayyy over my break! I missed you girls! It's Wednesday, which means we are supposed to report in our weight progress for the week. Yesterday when I stepped on the scale I was down 2.5lbs from last week. Honestly I was very surprised...Since beginning crossfit I haven't really been loosing weight. Like at all. In two months I have lost 8-10lbs, BUT I have put on tons and tons of lean muscle mass...I've gone from a 14/16 to a 10 in eight weeks. Yesterday  I was even able to put on a pair of my old 8's, I about had a heart attack. It is amazing the things that happen when you stop focusing on the number on the scale going down and instead focus on the weight on the barbell going up!

Left is me at the very beginning of my crossfit journey, Right is me two weeks ago.

10 Things Crossfit Has Taught me: 

1. I am stronger then I think, and more powerful then I ever imagined. In that moment as you are walking up to the rack, about to throw a ridiculious amount of weight over your head, any bit of self doubt goes away. Just Pick It Up.

2. Sometimes it's a good thing to do more then you think you can...Scared to add another 10 pounds to your bear complex because you're scared when you come from your back squat to over head press that it will crash down and bounce off the top of your spine...you're probably right. Speaking from expirence, it will hurt, it will bruise, you will be fine. And that failure will humble you, make you stronger for next time.

3. Failure is a good thing!! In life it is inevitible that we fail, if you're sitting there thinking "not me I always win" then you are a giant douche who's lying to themself. Failure keeps you humble. If we always win, if we always succeed the first time we try something...where's the lesson? Where is the excitement when we finally do suceed?

4. Spray Tans Should Be Scheduled Around Rest Days! If you spray two hours before you go to crossfit, and that workout includes running, even if it's raining...you WILL still be running in the rain...and you WILL look like a streaky little faaareeeaaakkk. Not to mention probably definitely sweat it out. Not cute. Been there done that. Ain't nobody got time for that.

5. I Can Do Anything for a Set Amount of Time. You walk in, look at the white board and the WOD is full of burpees...but it's only 8 minutes. I can do just about anything for 8 minutes, even burpees. So basically that means I can survive a n y t h i n g!

6. Wine and Pasta should be are considered paleo...ohh they're not? Hmm. You must be on the other Paleo diet! I mean, wine is grapes right?  ;)

7. Calluses Are Effin' Sexayyy. Calluses are a result of hard work and dedication. Picking heavy things up and putting them down, day after day. My hands are now contantly callused, cracked and blistering. I'm damn proud of it too.

8. Stop Focusing on the Number on the Scale!!!! The scale basically tells you a random number of what your body weight is at any given time. BUT it does not tell you what your lean muscle to fat ratio is...or that you are retaining a little extra water because your workout was super intense and your muscles are holding onto it for recovery purposes. We put WAYY WAYYY WAYYY too much emphasis on that number! It's just a stupid number, it doesn't mean a dang thing.

9. Working Out Is FUN! All day I look forward to 5:30 when I leave to go to crossfit. I enjoy everyone, we laugh, we joke, we work wicked hard and encourage eachother every step of the way. We are a family, and it's a wonderful thing to be a part of.

10.  I Can Overcome Anything!! I will and I have.


Crossfit has made me into a brand new person...Or maybe it has reminded me who I am. I look back on the last eight months since Adam kicked us out I left Adam...In the beginning it was hell. I was a miserable mess, falling apart and full of anger. Then two months ago when I walked into crossfit my world changed. Crossfit has taught me to focus, when you walk up to that bar nothing else matters, there is no time to think about anything besides picking it up. That is peaceful. Crossfit has given me strength to press the ignore button, to not pick up the phone when I have a weak moment as I'm watching Adaline sing about squirrles and I look to my right and he is not there... when I get pissed and just want to tell Adam what a heaping pile of garbage he is. "It is what it is" is my new attitude about everything..."Let go and let God" every single thing in life is a lesson, or a blessing. I've learned to take things as they come and just get through them, just like the 15 min AMRAP from hell, this too shall pass and I will be stronger on the other side! The sense of pride and accomplishment you feel when you come out at the end of something you struggle through is astonishing.



Left: Me last June Right: Me yesterday



Weigh In Wednesday...Where Have I Been

Heyyyy Divas.

Have you missed me? I know I've missed you.

Let's just talk a little about why I took a little hiatus from blogging. A couple weeks ago I walked into crossfit and heard the words no blogger wants to hear.."I read your blog." It turned into a discussion about Adam, divorce, infedility, and the hurt I feel about Adam choosing not to be Adaline's father.

Ya'll know my raw side, the real side you've stuck along with me and held me together as I have sorted out this mess and written may way to this new place of peace. Single motherhood was something I was ashmed of, scared of. It was the reason I stayed in an abusive relationship with an unfaithful man who I didn't love anymore. Now, today I can honestly say being a single mom is something I am proud of. I am so lucky, we are so blessed that I have such an amazing family that has been there through every bit of this. I get to come home, and be safe...I get to fix this mess and start over. I honestly don't have it figured out, who ever does, but the fact that I know we are safe for the first time in years...that is the best feeling in the world. BUT I wasn't ready for anyone who I "knew" to read any of this, to know that I went through what I did. I didn't want any one to think less of me because I stayed with a man who hurt me. SO I took a break for a couple weeks, and now I'm back!!

It's Weigh In Wednesday, as you all know. I'm still not really weighing...okay I'm not weighing at all. That number doesn't mean anything to me anymore. The fact that I was able to go into underarmour and buy a pair of size MEDIUM capris..that means something. I may or may not have wanted to wear them inside out with the tag showing. The fact that I am able to run around and play soccer with Adaline and not die while doing it, THAT means something. This week I gained 30 pounds on my PR for deadlift (175), 25 pounds on my PR for hang cleans(100), and my one rep max for the Bear Method by 15 pounds (85)...those numbers are all way way way more important then anything that scale has to say.

For me finding a balance has been a challenge. I will have great weeks where I am nearly 90% Paleo, then I will have a week like I had last week where I decide drinking way too much tequila is a good idea, and McDonalds for breafast when I'm hung over is an even better idea! Such is life. I will never be the person who doesn't enjoy time with her family and friends because she's "dieting:" It's more then a diet, diets have deadlines, an end date...this is my life now. Fittness is something that has become part of me. Crossfit is all I think about from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed. I just want to get stronger, better then I was yesterday.

I am a different person then I was seven months ago when I left Adam.

I am a different person then I was six weeks ago before crossfit.

My spirit is unbreakable, I know I am strong

I know I can and WILL do anything and everything I want to do.

My sport has given me confidence, taught me to love and care for myself again..

My sport has given me my body back, it has taught me to love it in a different way.

And on top of that it has given me love, a family, friendships that will last forever.

It has given me PEACE.

Where have I been...I've been taking some time for me. Some time to be quiet and enjoy my life.

I've been searching for my happy again...

I have found it!