Monday, February 25, 2013

What do you do when....

Sometimes it seems like years, since it first happened. Sometimes, like days.
It’s like being run over by a train.
You hurt so much you cannot breathe.
But no one else can see the gaping, raw flesh.
You carry it around like a silent scar on your arm.
You try to hide it with new clothes.
New friends.
New thoughts.
But none of it works.
Because you can never get rid of the stain.
A large, brown stain which seeps into the present, the future and the past.

When we were on that happy family vacation if you can call it that in Dollywood, that summer, you say to yourself, he was really thinking of someone else.
And the thought is enough to make you rip out the pictures from the album.
This time, he says, there is no one else.
But I don’t believe him.
Do you?

What do you do when your ex finds your blog? When he hacks your email, and reads your private conversations between you and your girlfriends, between you and your lawyer...and then he sees an email from a man, who it turns out happens to be working on your blog design? Your what? She has a blog? Well I guess I'll read it. What do you do when your heart breaks, when all that raw emotion you shared, I suppose with the world, but really never intended for him to see...how are you supposed to feel? What are you supposed to do?

12 comments:

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  2. OMG that's awful. Something else to stress you out. I'm sorry it's always something.

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  3. Wow. Don't even think about it. My ex reads my blog...and it's been YEARS. You know what I say? They must still be a little bit interested if they are still reading. Let him think what he wants to think while he is reading your words. At least you are able to get it all out without him interrupting, which is something I was never able to do with my ex. And also, I know this was a post from the heart and I don't want to take away from the shitty subject, but I just wanted to tell you that this was beautifully written. :) Love ya!

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  4. Please know that ever since I've stumbled onto your blog I have been captivated by your vulnerability and strength. Though I've never been divorced but I can still relate to an abusive relationship, the heartache and unhealthiness it leaves you in. I'm heartbroken for you, I will continue to keep you and your precious Addy in prayer.
    We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. Romans 5:3

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  5. Are you kidding me!???? Email me stat!

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  6. I am so sorry. I just have to tell you that you have more courage and strength in your pinky finger than you do in my entire body.

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  7. What do you do? You keep moving FORWARD, not backwards. That stuff? It sucks and it's stressful, but it doesn't change where you are today or the direction that you're headed in. Forward baby girl, NOT backwards!

    "This time" there's no one else? The Alex I know doesn't deserve to have to wait around until there's no one else... she deserves to be somebody's #1 all the time!

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  8. Aw, dangit! That totally stinks! I'm sorry it hurts so bad, I wish there was s/t I could do to help. And good that he found your blog, he should know just how awful he was and how terrible he made you feel! I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way! Hold your head up and don't be ashamed for saying what you have said!!!

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  10. Oh wow, I can't imagine! I didn't have a blog around when I was going through all the rocky stuff in my past but I bet it would have been hard if he found it and read all my thoughts and feelings like that. I feel for you. But ya know what, you keep doing what you are doing. Get the feelings out there. Push out the bad and bring in the good. You have a whole bunch of people in your corner :)

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  11. Btw "hi Adam" hope you enjoy reading about what havic you've caused and that MANY ppl get a glimpse of what an ass you are!!!!!!!

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