Last week I had said to PJ that I wonder if Adam ever even really loved me. You see our early years were kind of timultious. My father hated The King...HATED. HIM. And rightfully so, one time Adam told my father to "Go fuck himself" in a room full of people, and I slapped him across the face I was so shocked. We broke up after that for about a week, until he texted me one night and told me to go outside. In the driveway in his little parking spot was a kit-kat {who doesn't love a kit-kat}, a Saratoga Water, and flowers. As soon as I finished reading the card, he pulled in with his puppy dog eyes full of tears. Instead of being all like "Give me a break, and scram" clearly we ended up back together, AND engaged ten months later. This fighting between him and my dad was pretty regular, so now I'm left feeling like he lost interest when it wasn't a fight anymore. When he didn't have to "win" my affection.
Then Sunday came, which meant Saturday passed and he blew Addy off once again. Does that suprise any of you? Didn't think so. That's something I'm super duper struggling with, my girl Erin is like super mom, and lets her ex pop into a baseball game or cheer competiton here and there, whenever he feels like it, and she let's the kids enjoy it. So that they can feel that love, so they can feel like they're like every other kid and have a Daddy, even if it's just once in a blue moon. Now I don't know if she's Job, or if maybe I'm just terrible. I can't do it. I won't do it. I'm all like finger wavin' hand on the hip, head bobbin, ghetto baby mamma "if you ain't gon' be 'round errrryyy dayy, when I sayyy, then you ain't gon be 'round at all, Busta". And The King just doesn't get it, he thinks he sould be able to text on a Monday, when I'm at work, when he knows he won't be able to see her, when he just missed his skype date with her Saturday...just so he can say he asked. {vomit}
Anyways, the point of this post is to tell the story that has literally been eating me alive.
I moved to Texas to be with Adam while he did his schooling for the Air Force. Sheppard AFB in Wichita Falls, Texas in a dumpy apartment that I spent most of my time alone in watching netflix on my Macbook, a place I would never set foot in under any other circumstances then to be near my Sweet Boy {that's what I always called him, now I just don't remember why, he's more of a sour apple}. It was in that dumpy furnished month-to-month rental that we made our sweet little Adaline {there wasn't much else to do in that town}...it was in that dumpy apartment that I last felt loved, and free, and complete. Not in the way Adaline completes me, but in the way feeling like I had a soul mate and best friend completed me. That was over 3 years ago.
On the day it was time to leave Texas, Adam was going to go onto Little Rock before coming home to New York for a month, where I would be waiting for him. Somehow we ended up on the same flight, and he asked to have his seat changed to sit next to his "wife, because she's pregnant" When we sat down he asked the gay flight attendant with the ill fitting South West Uniform and fake rolex if his "wife could have some crackers, she's pregnant, and hasn't been feeling well." He sat for that entire flight holding my hand with on hand, and awkwardly reaching across himself to touch my belly with the other. I was less then 6 weeks pregnant at that point, and had not even grown out of my normal clothes. We ended up in Dallas later then expected and both missed our flights, we sat there for hours. He left first. It was awful to see him go again after we had already spent the first half of our first year of marriage apart. He came back at least 10 times with tears in his eyes to give me another kiss...That was it. Two weeks later we picked him up at the Airport here in New York, and things were different. We moved to Arkansas and he started being abusive. He never touched my belly again unless I begged him to. We had Adaline and he was barely present in the delivery room. He deployed three months later and was never the same again. Adam did love me, but he just doesn't any more. What happened? And how was I so easy to leave? So easy to forget? That was the last time I ever saw that look on his face...the last time.
I liked it better before I had that memory, when I had myself convinced he never loved me, that it was just about the chase. It wasn't. That boy loved me as much as I loved him, probably more. Then one day he stopped. I want to stop remembering, I want the memories to go away. I do not want to be shattered every day. I want peace, and I want love. I want to enjoy this time with Adaline because I will never get it back, but this is honestly a time in our life I would rather forget all together. I want to erase Adam from our lives, I'll always remember, but I just don't want her to. I don't want her to feel what I feel rite now. I want to protect her. Does that make me a bad mom?
You're not a bad mom. Not. You're protecting yourself and your daughter. Instinct tells you what to do as a mommy, I'm sure of it. She's young enough that she won't remember much of this. But you will. And you have to protect yourself so that you can be a great Mom. I've learned that you cannot change another human being. You just can't. But you can change how you react to that person. You can have control and use it in a good way. My prayers and thoughts go out to you.
ReplyDeleteNo that does not make you a bad mom. That makes you HUMAN. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope he realizes he is being an ass and realize he is missing out on his daughter.. If not it is his loss. <3
ReplyDeleteit breaks my heart to read this. I hate that you are struggling. you are not a bad mom at all, you are just trying to protect her. I can't wait until the day that you are over all this, you are going to look back and remember how tough it was but how tough you were handling it all. :) Love ya!
ReplyDeleteYou know how you said about your friend being a super mom and letting him pop in whenever? You can't do that because your clearly still hurt which makes the ghetto come out when he doesn't hold up to his end of the bargin. There will come a point when your no longer hurt and all the dramas in the past and you too will truly just want him to be a dad (even if its not the kind you'd hoped he'd be). I'm at that point now where the hurt and expectations are gone. It's just like , be a dad.
ReplyDeleteExactly! That hurt will subside and you honestly get to a point where you just don't care about him, not even a single ounce. You'll roll your eyes and wish he was a better dad, but you realize that no matter what you say and do will not matter... the person he is is the person he is, and there's nothing you can do to change that. You need your energy for your own life and your kids... NOT for trying to change someone you can't.
DeleteAdam may have loved you back then sweets, but Adam is NOT that person anymore. That person that loved you, the person he used to be, that person is long gone. He's not the same person he used to be and if he's incapable of loving his own child like he should, I'd say the chances of him loving anyone else they way he should is slim to none. He's just not capable of it. The old Adam may have been, but this Adam isn't.
ReplyDeleteYou are far from a bad mom... you're an AMAZING mom. I'm probably the bad one for letting Chris come and go like he does. Kids are smart though... mine enjoy their time with him, but know not to expect much in the way of "parenting" if that makes sense. They like when he goes to their events, they like feeling loved by him... but even at 8 and 11 years old, they know that he's not much of a parent. Kids are smart, and Addy will figure it out without you even having to explain it to her. You are going to be happier in the long run and Addy is going to be a better child because of that. As hard as divorce is, and incredibly fucking painful as it is, knowing that you'll be a better person once it's all said and done is worth it. As long as you're ok, that baby girl will be ok, I promise!
Oh, honey.. my heart breaks for you and your sweet babe. I can tell you that I have been there, young divorce.. and it DOES get easier. It WILL get easier. That whole, time heals all wounds. It's TRUE. I know it seems impossible now, but you will be happy again. I promise! XOXO.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a bad mom, not at all! I can tell how you write about your daughter that everything you do is because you love her unconditionally. I am so sorry you are going through this--prayers and love, girl! You will be stronger and your ARE stronger as this passes.
ReplyDeleteThis broke my heart. I do not know what I would do if my husband stopped loving me. I would be a hot mess. Keep your head up and always put your baby first. Give it time. I know easier said then done but time will help you.
ReplyDelete:-( You are an amazing Mom, and even though your daughter is young she will remember that you have been by her side raising her.
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy for us to look back at the "what if's" and question everything! Just keep doing what you are doing and remain positive for your baby girl.
Aww, so many sweet comments already that I'm not sure what else to say. All of these wonderful women have hit the nail on the head. I believe you're being the best mother to that sweet baby girl that you can be right now. You don't always have to be strong, and it's okay that you're struggling with this. It's normal and to be expeced. I truly believe she won't remember much, if any of this. I believe whole-heartedy that you can't change a person, you can't make them love you, you can't make them be there physically or emotionally. I believe it because I've been there. I also believe that during this journey you'll learn so much about yourself, and grow into a better person and a better mommy. You will be stronger and you will heal in time. You have a lot of readers that love you and are praying and cheering you on.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes,
Amber
sittinpretty86.blogspot.com
Αkerlof hаd argued Then, select sοurceѕ that arе riсh in Medium-Ϲhain Triglycеrides MCT, which lіmits a patient's raspberry ketones problems, and you will be losing more of the body would in the United States.
ReplyDeleteAlso visit my web site :: http://4ketonemetodeath.com/
Awesomе post.
ReplyDeleteFeel free to ѕurf tο mу page http://god-clan.ycn-hosting.com/woltlab//index.php//index.php/index.php?page=User&userID=2427