Thursday, April 11, 2013

Little Lion Man...

"Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep, little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head"

I need you divas today, I need your words, your advice.
I know so many of you have been right here...right where I am.
I need you.

The King and I have not spoken in weeks, he hasn't spoken to Adaline, he hadn't even really tried. I was absolutely devistated when I found out about Kayla. The fact that he had been seeing her and was in love with her since OCTOBER...two weeks after he kicked Adaline and I out made me absolutely physically ill. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want him to talk to Addy. I wanted him the hell away from us.

Yesterday we talked on the phone, and he mentioned that he had a job wating for him here, in New York, if he wanted it. We talked on the phone for a good fourty-five minutes with out really arguing. I talked, and he listened..well I thought he was listening. I texted him last night on our way home from Mason's game and asked him if he wanted to see Addy. I know, I must be a masochist or something...because I keep dragging myself right back to the same place over and over again.

I keep thinking this time will be different.
I keep aching for Adaline to have her real "Daddy" in her life.
I keep expecting more from him then I think know he is willing to give...
I keep getting disappointed by the man boy that has hurt me physically and mentally for the last seven years..
I keep letting him do it...
I want him to be better, I want him to love her...
Just like I wanted him to stop abusing me, and want me...
That didn't happen until I left seven months ago...

I feel like I am failing her by protecting her from him. But am I really? It is so incredibly hard to make that call, I don't want her to hate me, I don't want her to go with out anything especially her father.

Last night he said all the things he always says. That I am too good for him, how much it killed him to see me in that house doing nothing, how he never meant to hurt me, how the military ruined our love, how he didn't know me anymore and that all this was bound to happen. That I deserved someone who could really love me and appreciate me, because he would never be good enough...Last night was the first time I recieved those words and they didn't give me "hope." Instead I was left after that conversation thinking "what a waste of fucking time" Everything he said was completely and totally one-hundred percent true...

I am too good for him
He didn't deserve me
And I do deserve someone who can give me what I give them
The military did not ruin our love...
He was an abusive angry little shit long before he joined.
And I was happy being "stuck" in that house all day.
I wanted nothing more then to make his life easy and perfect, to spend my days raising my child, not missing a single second of her life.

The King took so much of my life. Seven years...nearly a third of my time on this Earth was spent with that man. We made a life and a family, he threw it all away. He doesn't get to disappear for months while he falls in love with someone else...he doesn't get to tell me he "has had time to reflect on what he has done to me, he's sorry and he's changing" I call bullshit. He is "changing" for HER. Not for his daughter, not for our family. Not for ME the woman who gave her LIFE to him for way too fucking long. Now believe me, I do not want him to change for me...I do not want him back in our life, I do not want to have his last name, I do not want anything to do with him..but it still shatters me that I wasn't enough, that Addy wasn't enough to make him change.

We desereve a good life. We deserve a real man. He does NOT deserve to be in our life. I do not trust him, or his intentions. Every time I give him an inch he takes a mile. Last night I tried to talk to him about the money he owes me, and he had the nerve to say "I need it too" meanwhile he's sitting in our home, with our furniture, driving our vehicle...with a brand new overhead projector above his stupid head. Complaining about how the house payment went up and his child support payment is so high that he can't afford to pay his bills. Talk about a fucking J O K E. He is seriously the most selfish person in the world, he cannot even see what WE need, what his wife and his daughter need. He cannot see his responsibility in any of this, monetarily, emotionally...nothing. nadda. It's my problem now, he has bigger ones apparently.

I was so conflicted when I started writing this today, now at the end of it...I no longer feel that way. I know the way I feel is right. I can hold my head up and know that I have taken the high road in every sense of the word through this entire process. I have carried the burden of a failed marriage, of motherhood, of heart break...and The King has done nothing but keep piling the stress on. Yesterday is a perfect example, he said he was thinking of taking a job at I assumed he meant SOON, so I thought " I guess we should get our shit together, because we are going to have to parent Addy together" turns out that is over a year down the road! He knew exactly how to get to me, and I LET him.

I know better.
I am stronger.
He is not worth any more hurt.
He is a coward.
He is not a real man.
He certainly is not a "Dad"
His words mean nothing until his actions prove other wise
He has a LOT of making up to do for all he has destroyed.
He needs to start over and EARN a place in that perfect child's life.
He gave it up.
He gave us up.
That was his choice, Now it is my choice not to let him just walk back in.

I am too strong, We have come too far, way way way too far to go right back to where we started.
Life with out The King is a lot more peaceful and safe.

If you're reading this, which I now know you do. Step it up. You don't deserve us now and you never did. And no I don't mean you and I, beleive me I do not want you back in any way. If it weren't for Addy we would never speak again, but we have little life to consider. A litle person WE brought into this world. If you are not willing to give it all for her, then I would prefer for you to give her nothing. I can do this just fine with out you...I've been doing it just fine with out you. You don't know me anymore, but I know you...your words are empty, and I am ready for some action. You need to prove that you deserve a place in that perfect child's life. You destroyed me, you will NOT destroy her. You break her heart I will KILL you, and there will be a lot of people standing behind me...


  1. Oh I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my head and a knot in my stomach. So many things I want to say but I know they won't matter until you realize them for yourself. But I will say this...

    You are Addy's mother and you are responsible for the mother-daughter relationship in your lives. That's it, that's the only relationship you have power over.

    Adam is her father, and he is responsible for his relationship with her. No matter what you say or do, or how many times you beg him to change, you CAN NOT CONTROL IT. You don't get to decide what he does, how he treats Addy, how he neglects her... none of that is up to you. That also means that none of the consequences from his actions towards Addy are up to you either. Will she hurt? Yep. But you can't control that. The only thing you can do is be there for her when she hurts. You can't feel guilt, because you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for their relationship. That relationship doesn't have anything to do with you any more.

    I know you don't want to see her hurt and you want to protect her from it but the reality is that you can't. Adam's talking about moving to NY to take a job a year from now?! Come on, we both know that's not going to happen. I know you like the thought of it... the thought of him living near Addy so she can have two parents who love and take care of her, but Alex, he can't even make one Skype date a week, you know damn well he's not capable of being a co-parent right now.

    His words are empty... his plans are empty. Don't put your energy into those plans and thoughts because you know they're very unlikely to happen. Live your life like normal... go on about your life and Addy's life and until Adam actually does something to prove his worth, don't waste your energy listening to and thinking about his empty promises.

  2. I completely agree with what Erin had to say. You are so amazing. I'm so proud that you realize that phone call was bullshit. He is such a piece of crap. If he meant any of it, or anything in general - he would send you your stuff. He would come out to see Addy. He would make more of an attempt than a Skype date.

    That is his choice. HIS. He choose to ruin his marriage, his love, his relationships. He's a big boy.
    You are doing everything right. You are doing this without him. And Addy is adorable, healthy, and loved.

    My oldest daughter is in the process of realizing what her mother actually brings to their relationship, and it is a long painful process. One that she has to discover on her own.

    My advice for the future: Don't like to Addy. Don't talk badly about the king (lower case k cause he doesn't deserve a capital letter), but don't lie. She deserves the truth, but he is her daddy. Even if he is a POS - she will always see him as "daddy". What you are doing now is perfect. There is no right answer. There is no booklet that says "This is what you do, in order, here are the answers" So any answer you form is the right one.

    Your confidence is amazing. Your strength is amazing.

    I want to be you when I grow up.

    Love - Sister Wife

  3. I've been right where you are and I'll say this; a leopard never changes his spots. He hasn't changed for the new girl and he never will unless he seeks counseling. He wants you to think he's all happy and wonderful with new chic because in some sick way he, obviously, gets pleasure from seeing you miserable. Don t let hom see that. Live your life with your beautiful daughter and don't try to encourage him be a part of her life. If he wants to step up and be a parent then he will ask to see her or talk to her or make sure she has everything she need, otherwise, screw him! Abusers are awesome at putting on a great show and playing the ol' poor, pitiful me act but you have to learn how to become immune to that crap. The last words I spoke to my daughter's sperm donor/ my ex were " Oh, go F*&$ yourself!" And I meant them and will be perfectly ok going to my grave having said those last words to him. I could go on for days but I'll stop. You are strong, you can do this! He doesn't have control over you anymore so don't let his words or empty promises start tying that rope around you again!

  4. Wow, holy bad grammar! I get a little passionate about losers like him and start typing all crazy apparently!

  5. I know that I am not one of your divas, but I have been in this situation in two different ways.
    I had a father who fits Adam''s profile almost to a T. I would get a phone call in the beginning of the week from my father telling me that he had plans for us on the weekend. Friday would come and I could do nothing but sit and stare out the window waiting for him to pull up. Saturday and Sunday I would do the same thing. Two months later I would get the call again. Just like any other kid I waited by the window for him to show up. Every couple of months he would actually show up and take me with him. When we got to his house he would mow the lawn or sit and watch tv. My mother eventually quit letting him talk to me.
    As a teenager I could remember exactly how he was but I blamed my mother for never letting me seeing him. When I turned 18 I went and hunted him down. I then lived 2 miles from him on the same road for a year. He never called me and only stopped out once. That was because I needed a jump for my car. I'm now 30 years old and now know that my dad is an ass and I know that that kind of man can't change.
    There is no right answer on how you handle their relationship. It's going to bite you in the ass either way. You just need to choose the one that will have the least amount of hurt for your daughter.

    Now the other situation,
    I had a bad relationship with my daughter's mother. We argued, fought, and broke a lot of things. She moved out of the apartment shortly after finding out she was pregnant. She then got a restraining order on me because I told her if she tried to keep my baby from me I would take her.
    When my restraining order expired I went to the courts and fought as hard as I could to see my baby girl. I started the child support and paid for all the court fees and testing. Once I finished that I started fighting to get visitation with my daughter. I paid my Child support and then still bought diapers, food, ecxema lotion, clothes, and even her $400 electric bill once.
    If he was a real man and truly had the father gene in his DNA then he would have been doing everything he could to make sure your daughter had everything she needed and a few things she wanted. He should never bitch about child support, and if he wanted a divorce he should have been man enough to leave the house, not kick you out of it.
    It doesn't matter what he does, he will never be capable of being a good father. No matter how much you are convinced he's changed. He is not a man but a little bitch that doesn't deserve anyone's love.

  6. I'm so sad for Addy. What kind of cruel person wouldn't want to know her and be her father! So sad. I'm just glad you're a great momma because that will count for something!

  7. Now this is coming from a girl who hasn't ever been in your shoes so I may be completely out of place but I say divorce that son of a bitch and take him for everything you can. Then when you don't get what he is court ordered to give you he will be in legal troubles. I am pretty sure the military wouldn't want that of one of their men.

    You are looking great! Keep up the good work!

  8. Alex- I have read your story and I understand a little better than you know. My mother was in an abusive relationship with my baby brother's father. She ended it. He never saw her or my brother again. And my brother is now 20. He has no desire to see his father. Our step dad and been there for him and he is all the father he wants. Please let me encourage you to step away. Don't allow him into your sweet baby's life. Because more likely than not, if he spends enough time with her or moves back to NY, he will eventually hit her too. And abuse her with his words. If anything, please just keep her away from him for HER. My brother is proof that they grow up and they understand. And that they won't automatically hold resentment.

    Men like him never keep their word. He will never be a part of Addy's life in any consistent way. And it will break her heart every time he is supposed to be there and says he will and doesn't show. Save her the heart break he put you through. He doesn't deserve a 50 millionth chance.

    I admire how strong you are. I admire the choices you've made for your family. And I'm so happy that you're happy. :)

  9. Hey Diva!
    So I completely understand what you are going through, and trust me it is not fun. My daughter will be 7 this year and I am STILL going through the issues your going through. The BIG decision on what is truly BEST for YOUR daughter. I am now able to communicate with my daughter on what she wants. She saw what her dad has done to her and she doesn't want anything to do with him, which makes it easier for me ;D but I still try to let him see her whenever "HE CAN" instead of when my daughter wants. Yes it hurts to see that person do that to your child, because you've seen what good that person can do. And it sucks that the child will never see that nor will they ever know how it is to have a 2 parent home. All around it is a difficult situation, but what has helped me move on and get over it about 90% is just think about your daughter. Do you want your daughter to hate you when she is older, because she thinks YOU didn't let her see her father? I know that is a crappy question that you have to face, because I had to stare that bitch of a question in the face and let baby daddy come in, and see how he was "FAKE" with the whole "I LOVE YOU Daughter, and I think about you everyday and I can't wait for us to do all this stuff together". At first it worked because my daughter was getting to do things I couldn't afford to do with her father, so basically he "BOUGHT" her love. Now he has another child and so my daughter went to his house and saw that his son's bedroom has so much stuff and her room only has a bed on the floor...Yeah. and how much he buys for his son and not her. Thank you baby Jesus for letting the blindfolds come off! Remember this girl, Karma, it's a bitch. In the end, just make sure you did all you could to make them have a relationship, that way it'll come down on the parent, who TRULY wasn't there but was there for the "Show"...Hope this helps, because you are a strong woman and I wish I was as strong as you when my "love of my life" left me. It took me YEARS! And now everything is just falling into place :) Have a BEAUTIFUL DAY, with your BEAUTIFUL daughter who looks at you for comfort, needs, wants, hugs, kisses, cuddle buddy, and giant size toy! Know that the King will NEVER be able to experience that and that sucks balls for him!
    Follow my blog -

  10. Not a diva, just wanted to say hang onto your faith. It sounds like you have some belief in God, so hold tight to that. You aren't always going to have (or get) answers. But you'll always have your faith.

    You are stronger than you know. You can do anything you put your mind to!!

  11. All the above women got it right, but there is one more thing I want to say - I am married to a soldier - an Active Duty soldier at that - and for him to blame the military on his abusive nature is not only disgusting but pathetic as well - my husband is 100% supportive, loving, devoted, caring, kind and yet he can still go fight in this war and not come back to abuse his family - that's a man, which obviously your ex is not.

  12. Hey! I'm a fairly new follower. I was drawn to you because you are a single mom trying to get your life back, and I was in the very same place 7 years ago. 10 years down the drain, and one tiny little person left behind... one of the most painful experiences of my life. Here's what I can tell you based on my own experience:

    You are stronger than you realize. You don't need Adam, and neither does Addy. Forcing a relationship won't do either one of them any good. Hopefully he will grow up and take responsibility at some point, but until then, you'll do just fine on your own.

    You should also know this... There is a man out there who will love you and your girl the way you deserve to be loved. Someone who will love Addy to the moon and back, so it won't matter if her daddy never comes around again. I didn't think I would ever find someone who would want my baggage, someone who would love my child the way I wanted him to be loved, like one of his own - but I did; and you better believe once someone else was loving up his child, that ex came knocking and decided to finally do the right thing by his boy.

    Hang in there girl! Stay strong and stand firm! You'll survive this. Your little girl is very lucky to have such a strong momma, & from what I can see of this blog, you have a lot of people in your corner.

  13. Alex, I have been exactly where you are now and it is definitely a journey I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. Like someone said earlier you can't control the relationship that Addy has with the king, but you can be an advocate for her in relation to if and when and how she interacts with him. He doesn't deserve you and he definitely doesn't deserve that precious little girl. He IS the one losing in this situation and he might (and I stress might) one day realize what a sorry excuse for a father he has been. I have been divorced from my children's sperm donor for 11 years now and he has never paid child support, never made an effort to visit or spend time with them, but continually tries to play the sad Daddy who misses his kids. As you know my kids are all teenagers now and he will comment on their posts on Facebook or text them every once in a blue moon, but they have all gotten to the age that they realize how sorry he is. I thank God every day that he brought my husband into our lives and that my children have had a good, honest, loving man as their Daddy. My ex may be their biological father, but he does not hold the title of father in any other respect. I can tell you that things will get better and I can tell you from reading your blog that you have come such a long way and are so much stronger and better than you think you are. You are an amazing woman and mother! One day you will meet someone who will love you and Addy the way you deserve and when you meet that person, all of the potholes will be worth it because you will appreciate your final destination so much more! Stay strong and know that you have so many people who care about you and Addy that are always going to be by your side! Don't let him dull your shine!

  14. One more thing, I saw this and immediately thought of you.

    "Don't hang onto feelings like hurt, anger or pain. They still away your feelings for happiness."

  15. I will keep this short, sweet, and to the point because lezberealz it's the end of the day and my brain hurts. All I will say is this... I think you are a bad ass mutha fucka and DINGDONG is a fucking dumb ass MOTHER FUCKER who deserves nothing but to be absolutely miserable for the rest of his life. He also deserves to be beat the fuck out of and made to feel like a piece of shit nothing little twirp like he is for the rest of his life. He needs his heart broken on repeat for the rest of his life. He doesn't deserve either of you. I love you... go hop in the bat mobile. K bye......................

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  17. You are awesome! You are a strong woman and I hate to see you and your daughter go through this! Any man is a fucking moron for hurting you and your daughter! You deserve happiness and so does she!

  18. I feel like I lived your story with my ex. It will get better. You don't need him. It is his loss. And your daughter is better off with only one parent who truly cares then having one in her life that doesn't care. You can't make him be a better dad no matter how much you want that for her. One day you'll meet someone amazing. Someone who is truly a supportive partner. They will show you what real love is. They will be a real father to your daughter. In the mean time, learn to love you. Find your strength. Enjoy your mommy daughter time. Keep your head up love!

  19. as the tears flow i have to tell you alex, he did NOT destroy you. you are NOT destroyed. you are amazing you are beautiful. you are a wonderful mother. You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

    keep swimming. just keep swimming. you got this. and he WILL wake up one day and realize what he did. And he WILL wake up and his heart will ache a tiny millionth of what yours has. But when he does, it will be too late. you dont need him. you have Addy, God, your family and us.

    And we got your back sister. (i will still whoop his ass)