"Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep, little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head"
I need you divas today, I need your words, your advice.
I know so many of you have been right here...right where I am.
I need you.
The King and I have not spoken in weeks, he hasn't spoken to Adaline, he hadn't even really tried. I was absolutely devistated when I found out about Kayla. The fact that he had been seeing her and was in love with her since OCTOBER...two weeks after he kicked Adaline and I out made me absolutely physically ill. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want him to talk to Addy. I wanted him the hell away from us.
Yesterday we talked on the phone, and he mentioned that he had a job wating for him here, in New York, if he wanted it. We talked on the phone for a good fourty-five minutes with out really arguing. I talked, and he listened..well I thought he was listening. I texted him last night on our way home from Mason's game and asked him if he wanted to see Addy. I know, I must be a masochist or something...because I keep dragging myself right back to the same place over and over again.
I keep thinking this time will be different.
I keep aching for Adaline to have her real "Daddy" in her life.
I keep expecting more from him then I
think know he is willing to give...
I keep getting disappointed by the
man boy that has hurt me physically and mentally for the last seven years..
I keep letting him do it...
I want him to be better, I want him to love her...
Just like I wanted him to stop abusing me, and want me...
That didn't happen until I left seven months ago...
I feel like I am failing her by protecting her from him. But am I really? It is so incredibly hard to make that call, I don't want her to hate me, I don't want her to go with out anything especially her father.
Last night he said all the things he always says. That I am too good for him, how much it killed him to see me in that house doing nothing, how he never meant to hurt me, how the military ruined our love, how he didn't know me anymore and that all this was bound to happen. That I deserved someone who could really love me and appreciate me, because he would never be good enough...Last night was the first time I recieved those words and they didn't give me "hope." Instead I was left after that conversation thinking "what a waste of fucking time" Everything he said was completely and totally one-hundred percent true...
I am too good for him
He didn't deserve me
And I do deserve someone who can give me what I give them
The military did not ruin our love...
He was an abusive angry little shit long before he joined.
And I was happy being "stuck" in that house all day.
I wanted nothing more then to make his life easy and perfect, to spend my days raising my child, not missing a single second of her life.
The King took so much of my life. Seven years...nearly a third of my time on this Earth was spent with that man. We made a life and a family, he threw it all away. He doesn't get to disappear for months while he falls in love with someone else...he doesn't get to tell me he "has had time to reflect on what he has done to me, he's sorry and he's changing" I call bullshit. He is "changing" for HER. Not for his daughter, not for our family. Not for ME the woman who gave her LIFE to him for way too fucking long. Now believe me, I do not want him to change for me...I do not want him back in our life, I do not want to have his last name, I do not want anything to do with him..but it still shatters me that I wasn't enough, that Addy wasn't enough to make him change.
We desereve a good life. We deserve a real man. He does NOT deserve to be in our life. I do not trust him, or his intentions. Every time I give him an inch he takes a mile. Last night I tried to talk to him about the money he owes me, and he had the nerve to say "I need it too" meanwhile he's sitting in our home, with our furniture, driving our vehicle...with a brand new overhead projector above his stupid head. Complaining about how the house payment went up and his child support payment is so high that he can't afford to pay his bills. Talk about a fucking J O K E. He is seriously the most selfish person in the world, he cannot even see what WE need, what his wife and his daughter need. He cannot see his responsibility in any of this, monetarily, emotionally...nothing. nadda. It's my problem now, he has bigger ones apparently.
I was so conflicted when I started writing this today, now at the end of it...I no longer feel that way. I know the way I feel is right. I can hold my head up and know that I have taken the high road in every sense of the word through this entire process. I have carried the burden of a failed marriage, of motherhood, of heart break...and The King has done nothing but keep piling the stress on. Yesterday is a perfect example, he said he was thinking of taking a job at home...so I assumed he meant SOON, so I thought " I guess we should get our shit together, because we are going to have to parent Addy together" turns out that is over a year down the road! He knew exactly how to get to me, and I LET him.
I know better.
I am stronger.
He is not worth any more hurt.
He is a coward.
He is not a real man.
He certainly is not a "Dad"
His words mean nothing until his actions prove other wise
He has a LOT of making up to do for all he has destroyed.
He needs to start over and EARN a place in that perfect child's life.
He gave it up.
He gave us up.
That was his choice, Now it is my choice not to let him just walk back in.
I am too strong, We have come too far, way way way too far to go right back to where we started.
Life with out The King is a lot more peaceful and safe.
If you're reading this, which I now know you do. Step it up. You don't deserve us now and you never did. And no I don't mean you and I, beleive me I do not want you back in any way. If it weren't for Addy we would never speak again, but we have little life to consider. A litle person WE brought into this world. If you are not willing to give it all for her, then I would prefer for you to give her nothing. I can do this just fine with out you...I've been doing it just fine with out you. You don't know me anymore, but I know you...your words are empty, and I am ready for some action. You need to prove that you deserve a place in that perfect child's life. You destroyed me, you will NOT destroy her. You break her heart I will KILL you, and there will be a lot of people standing behind me...