Monday, April 1, 2013

Things I wish I could have known...

"Positivity is a state of mind. The kiey to being happy is telling yourself you deserve it. Believe it, you'll be it."

When Adam kicked us out of the house, I wish I could have had just a glimpse of how wonderful and full of love would be today, seven months later. I wish I had not spent three months crying, unable to be a mother to Adaline, waiting for the day he would come back for us. He wasn't ever planning on coming and getting "his girls" and I wasted far too much time waiting on something that was never going to happen.

I wish I didn't spend the first six months bombarding him with pictures and videos of my sweet angel baby, for him to not even send back a simple text saying "thank you". I wish I had not let it break my heart that he didn't ask what she was doing, how she was growing, that he didn't make time to skype her. I wish I didn't let that distroy me for so long, she is so much better off with out him.

I wish I didn't spend the last seven months praying for GOD to put my family together again. Though I know he works in mysterious ways, and was doing just that all along, I just didn't know it yet.

I wish I knew who my real friends were. I wish I knew who would run to Adam and tell him all the things I didn't want him to know. I wish I knew that even though your heart breaks when your best friend doesn't understand your hurt, and they leave you because it becomes too much for them to help carry your load...that there will be other friends. Wonderful, supportive, understanding strong women that would come into my life and make me whole again. Those women will be standing next to me when I marry the man who will raise my Addy, some old friends, some new, because they stood with me in the Storm.

I wish I had started crossfit sooner. I wish I had known how humbling it would be, how strong I would become...I wish I knew the beautufil, wonderful "family" that would come with it. I wish I knew how strong it would make my heart. I wish I knew how much less willing it would make me accept anything less then the best from everyone.

I wish I changed my phone earlier. I wish I started treating Adam as a stranger that he had become, months ago. I wish I stopped taking his calls, and I wish I hadn't been so nieve to think that he was going to come home. I wish I didn't believe his lies. I wish I could have seen what I see now...I wish it hadn't had to hurt oh so very much.

Standing where I stand today, I can only see happiness. I can see a man who will ultimately raise my Adaline as his own. I can see someone I can love, and make a family with. I can see MY family, my mom & dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...and I know I am home. I know I am exactly where I belong. I know I am strong. I know our life will be so much more beautiful then I could ever have imagined seven months ago.

You never know how good it can be when things are so bad that you can't even breathe. When you question what you did wrong, and why you were being punished this way. When you're blaming yourself, and thinking no one will ever understand your walls. That your broken heart will never get put back together after he tore it apart.

I wish I had known how irrelevant Adam would become in our life today. I wish I had known how strong I could be. I wish I had known that someone would come into my life and bless it with understanding and patients. I wish I had remembered what it felt like to fall in love, and known that I didn't want to fall in love with Adam. I wish I had known what a real man looked like, and seen that that was not the man I was married to. I wish I had known what it was like to miss someone for the right reasons.

I wish I had known how full and complete it would feel to move on. I wish I had known how much love I could feel and had to give. I wish I hadn't waisted so much time falling apart, but as I was falling apart GOD was putting life and my heart back together.

Today after a seven month long storm, that I know isn't over, I am happy. I am thankful. I am free. The only bruises on my body are ones I put there. The only time voices are raised is when there is laughter in the air. The only time I cry is when I'm happy, when I look around the house at Easter and see all the people who complete my world in that tiny little kitchen in Nana's house.

Seven months ago I wished I knew what happiness could look like. This new, genuine, real to the core, strong complete happiness could feel like. I wish I knew that a day would come when I didn't have to dry my tears and fake a smile. That day is here.


  1. I am so beyond happy to read this. I can't express how happy I am. As an "addy" myself, I know how STRONG of a woman you need to be in order to pick yourself up after being beaten down for so long. I am so happy and proud of you. It's only going up from here... Also, is there in a new man in your life??

  2. This is such a beautiful post, girl! Every single person deserves to be genuinely happy and I'm so glad you found that!


  3. I am so glad that you posted this. I too have been exactly where you were and are. Where you fill like almost life is over and then all of a sudden the blinders are lifted. I am SO happy for you and your sweet baby! You are truly an inspiration to me thank you for putting yourself out there and being real!

  4. SO happy to read this! Don't be too hard on yourself though, there's no way you could have known all that seven months ago. Learning all that is part of the healing process, part of the growing process... you have to go through it, and YOU ARE... and I'm so incredibly proud of you! xoxo

  5. Beautiful!
    Every time I read your posts I see that your getting stronger and stronger! Stick with it! Your doing awesome!

  6. Dear Alex
    Found your BLOG via Holly via Mama Laughlin! Reading your story moved me. If you change the name & states everything is how my life was 28 years ago! I want you stand tall & be proud…you will NEVER REGRET what you have done for yourself & your daughter.
    I have been married (25years) to the only “daddy” my eldest daughter has ever known. My daughter was 9 months old when we were “kicked out”, the “sperm donor” (my nickname for him)had visitation every other weekend for 8 hours when we separated, he moved from SC to MN as to avoid paying child support ($300). The 3 times he had her for visitation he was late to pick her up & late bringing her home(PURE TERROR). I lived in “fear” that he would come back & take her so I laid low never went to court never pressed for child support. When he walked away from my daughter he took his entire family with him.
    My husband legally adopted “our” daughter at the age of 5! When my daughter turned 21 years old Sperm donor reinterred her life (he wanted to make SURE she was of “legal age & wouldn’t have to pay any back child support” (bahhahaa). As an adult she got to know him & see the person he really is (he hasn’t changed). After 2 years of broken promises she walked away from him!
    She getting married this August to a wonderful young man that reminds me so much of her dad! Life hasn’t always been a fairy tale, but it has sooooo been worth it!
    A recent text from my daughter one morning summed it all up “mom thanks for finding me the BEST DADDY EVER”!
    That is my wish for your Addy to tell you one day !


  8. You are so amazing. When you have moments in the future come back and read this post. Remember this feeling. Remember that you are AWESOME!

  9. Grеat blog hеre! Also уour ωеbsite loads up
    fаst! What web host are уou using? Can I gеt your affiliate link
    to youг host? I wish mу wеb site loaded up aѕ quickly aѕ yours lоl

    My pagе - Property for Sale