The call...

Sometimes it takes a little extra to remind you of why you have made some of the decisions you have. In my case today when I spoke to Adam and heard the hate in his voice...I remembered what it felt like to hear that every day, I remembered what it felt like to be hit or kicked, I remembered why I left, I remembered that there is a reason he is not in our life today. I decided to hang up the phone, "have a good day Adam, I won't be talked to in that tone so I'm hanging up, I'll email you my list instead" and that was it. If that is the last time I have to hear his mean hateful voice I won't be sad. There was a time when his voice gave me butterflies...now it makes my stomach feel funny for a whole different reason. It's amazing in a 4 minute 44 second conversation how he can make me feel so small again. I don't know how I lived with that every day, but I am thankful for the strength I have been given to over come it...



"First of all I want to thank you for speaking AT me the way you did. Your ability to be abusive and awful even through the phone amazes me. You made me feel like crap, which reminded me why you aren't in our life any more and for that I am thankful. That was exactly why we don't speak anymore, and why you don't speak to Adaline. And don't think for a second I haven't noticed your sudden interest in talking to her, it's been almost 7 months with you not making time for her and all the sudden you think you should be allowed in her life. You say you're trying, you're not. "where you invest your love, you invest your life" you adam Richard do not invest your love in that child, your life is somewhere else, and that is not with us. We have a Pippay now, who does the job you promised to do. Thank god he is such a wonderful and giving man, adaline will never ever doubt what a "dad's" love should look like thanks to him. Adaline has so much love in her life and MEN who are there for her doing things her father should be...but you are focused on someone else instead of your own child. It breaks my heart for you that you won't put the effort into loving her. She is amazing in every single way. She is the smartest, strongest willed, most stubborn little creature in the world. She laughs constantly, she loves the song rite now "ho hey" when it comes on she says "this is my jam" she sings it and we have to listen to it over and over again. She loves other kids, and Papa Bucky is her "best friend" she says crazy things like she "likes to drink beer in the trees with the birds" then laughs at herself and says "I'm so funny" every single day she amazes me, all of us. I can't wait to get home to her after work, and just feel her warm little back. Even lately when she's been waking up naked because she likes to take her clothes off, and she's covered in pee I can't help but think how lucky I am. How infinitely blessed I am to have THIS child in MY life. How unlucky you are that you chose to be away from us, away from her. I don't question myself or my decision anymore, now that the months have passed and you have made no effort to do the right things or come and see your child, I KNOW I have done the right thing. You are part of our past for a reason, the only part of our life that is yours is the fact that you were there the day we made adaline. That's it. I loved you once, I don't love you anymore. I used to think I would always love you because you would always be Addy's dad, but you're not. You're simply her father. That is your choice. It's not a choice I would have ever made and you know that. Because of you and our marriage I now know what a man is NOT supposed to look like, how a man is NOT supposed to treat his wife and his family. I now know what I want in a dad for adaline and what I do NOT want...everything you are now, today is nothing that deserves a place in our lives. I'm not even sure of six years ago you did. But if it weren't for you I wouldn't have her. Thank you for this beautiful child that I get to share with the world. It is REALLY a shame that you don't try to know her. The day she stopped asking for you was the hardest day, the day she stopped asking if it were her "daddy coming to get her" when the planes flew over...was the most freeing day. Adam learn to do the right things, you can't keep hurting people. There are consequences that are bigger then what you are prepared to take responsibility for. Be careful who you hurt, especially when they are the people who deserve it LEAST.


My List:

-green and white dishes with baskets, bowls and matching serve wear
-white baking dishes with lids
-anything and everything in Addy's room (you can keep the crib)
-bobbins that I turned into candle sticks
-flea market stuff: white shutter, chalkboard, shoe form, whiskey jug, bobbins, a acorn looking things.
-picture of addy swinging
-letters from bmt and deployments with the leather book (so addy can know one day if she chooses to that her parents did love each other when we made her)
-willow tree angels
-hiking back pack
-wreaths I made (summer, spring, fall, Christmas)
-snowboarding stuff
-baby clothes
-books
-any of my clothes that are left
-sewing machine
-wedding pictures, and Addy's Easter pictures, feel free to throw away those canvases, I do not want them
-my hair stuff
-longaburger baskets if there are any left
-contents of my craft closet
-whatever was in the diaper closet
-The money you owe me, $3000 is a good place to start :)


Have a good day Adam."