So if you are an IG addict like me, you already know today is "Transformation Tuesday." I don't know about you all but I LOVE a good fat picture. LOVE. But for me "Transformation Tuesday" isn't just about the way my body looks now, it's about who I AM now, who I WAS then, and who I will NEVER be again...
Let's take a little trip through time shall we?
The first picture is the day I gave birth, weighing in at a whopping 290ish pounds. I was miserable, I hated my body, I had a beautiful new born baby who I couldn't even enjoy because my husband was such a GIANT douche that he didn't help, understand that I needed to heal, and didn't particularly find any joy in fatherhood.
If you ask him I'm sure he will tell you the opposite. He is a liar.
In the second picture, I look super happy don't I? I'm thrilled...It was the Christmas after Addy was born, Adam was in Afghanistan, I still weighed 260+ pounds...I was angry, I was depressed, I was lonely. I didn't love myself. All we did was fight, I was in the process of looking at houses for us to purchase, because maybe then it would feel like we were a real family and A would accept his responsibilities...he didn't.
The first picture here was taken in September, last fall. I was still 225 pounds, I was right in the middle of my marriage ending. I believe I had just found out the previous week about Bethany...Adam was on another trip that weekend, and I took Addy to the air show with my girlfriends. They meant so much to me, and I miss them all so very much. They were my rock and my escape when I needed it most. They encouraged me and held me accountable...they helped me feel strong enough to remove Addy and myself from a very bad situation. Before them, before our play groups, before Nikki said to me "You CAN do it alone, you don't know how strong you really are until you make the choice to do it alone, I did it and so can you." Those words that I held close to my heart for weeks and months, and still to this day. I truly believe that if it weren't for Alysha, Nikki, Sarah, Brandy and Tracy that I would still be in Arkansas, still be being hit, still be being cheated on, still be convincing myself I was happy when truly I never was. For their friendship I am forever grateful.
The second picture is Adaline and I on Easter last week. My smile is real. I am no longer a victim. We are free of Adam. We certainly don't have "everything" like we did six months ago...but we have each other. We have my amazing Mother and Father, my sister and brother, all our grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins...I could go on an on. We have a village that we got to come home to. More love then you can fit into Nana's kitchen...We are SO SO SO blessed. My life right now is not what I would like it to be, but I am happier now living in my parent's basement with nothing, completely starting over with all the love in the world behind me then I was six months ago living my "dream" which was really a lie.
I posted this as my official "Transformation Tuesday" picture this week, and my love Erin commented that the biggest success I have had in my journey is loosing that 170 pounds standing beside me. Is that a mouth full or what?
In the picture on the left I am halfway through my journey (so far), I was about 235 pounds give or take, we were on our way out for our anniversary. I do not even recognize the person in that picture. She is so unhappy, even then she knew she wanted out.
In the picture on the right (taken last week) I am FIVE pant sizes smaller, 60 pounds lighter, happier, healthier and WHOLE.
Loosing that 170 pound load I was supporting for nearly 1/3 of my life was the biggest and most freeing loss of all. Through the last eighteen months I have lost 115 pounds. I have lost a marriage, a husband, a family, my home, my life. In the last six months I have found myself. I have found a love for myself and for health. I have found cross fit which has completely and totally changed me in just a few weeks.
Today I am strong, I am fearless, I can and will do anything. I am Blessed. I am thankful. I am loved.
I am HAPPY!!!
Did you all see my lover girl Kassie's entry today, all about your's truly! Kassie is a breath of fresh air, like your favorite summer song on the radio, when the sun is shining and you're driving with the windows down. I've always loved her, then she emailed me about how she was a real life "addy" that she was raised by a single mother, and how much she admired her for that and was so proud to be hers. "Single" motherhood is something I have struggled with, been embarrassed about. Kassie's email changed all that for me. She is a total diva, one of my best blog friends, and I luba her for ever. Mean IT!