Wednesday, March 6, 2013

It's Wednesday But...let's talk about sex

Well, I know today is supposed to be WIW, and please go see my co-host Erin if you want some WIW topical material. Today I have none of that for you. Sorry, I'm not sorry..

Today I would like to talk further about my panick attack, controling, maniac ways. I can honestly say there is not a time in my twenty-something years that I haven't felt totally in control of my life. That is obviously until The King cheated, kicked us out, and broke my heart. For years and years I made sure my life looked like the perfect little shiny package with a perfect little designer bow on top, the kind of wrapping they do at Nordy's at Christmas Time. It wasn't. It never has been.

I guess some people would call it spoiled, I don't see it that way. I just see it as, this is how my life has always been, so why would I accept anything less. Daddy works hard, Mom stays home, we have everything. That's the way it's supposed to be. But life doesn't always work out that way.

My parents met in highschool and have been together now for almost thirty years. In my teenage years I was constantly looking for a husband. Freekish and not typical, I know. But I just wanted a family. I wanted to go away to school with my boyfriend, graduate from college four years later with a ring and a fiance, who would eventually become my husband, and shortly thereafter the father of my children. Whom of course I would stay home and raise, possibly even home-school.

That's not exactly how it happened, as you know if you've been following along. Adam and I were highschool sweet hearts but we ditched college in favor of him persuing a military career. It was quite possibly the worst choice we ever made. It was a disaster from the start. I sure knew how to make it look pretty though. In a nice little patriotic package filled with pride, strength, and endurance, with a pretty star spangled bow made of love and affection, spoiling and indulging.

For the last six years I have lived in Adam's shadow, Adam's world. I never felt sparkly enough to stand next to him in his sexy little flight suit. I was proud of course, and I took on the role as military-wife with honor. I think I faked it quite well, because I was absolutely miserable. Sex became the only thing that bound us together. Coincidentally it also became the very thing that would tear us apart. Only it wasn't our sex that tore us apart...that was perfect, and magical, and everything it was supposed to be. Or so I had myself convinced.

Before Adam I went through a breif year or two of very permiscuious behavior. I had lost my soul mate, the man who I truly to this day think I was meant to be with all along, and I was scrambling to fill that void. And I did so with three other men, boys, I suppose they were boys then. The attention, the sex, the complanionship, the rush of being thier first...eventhough I knew it wasn't love. It still felt special. In those moments we still belonged to eachother, in those moments I felt whole.

Looking back at mine and Adam's life, there was a turning point, a time where I can now realize he stopped being the one to roll over and nuzzle my neck. Or to intitate the dreaded male version of foreplay...a butt poke with his little fairly stiff friend. He told me he was tired of being the one to always intitate the I started to take control. And he happily let me. It was around that time that the tables seemed to shift. It was as if that was the final bit of control Adam felt he had in his life, and he gave it to me. I didn't want it. I could feel it in the way that he kissed me. I knew something was wrong, and then a few weeks later I found out about Bethany. How could I have been surprised.

In my last attempt to grasp onto every shred of control I made sure the separation papers listed that this would be a "religious divorce" and neither of us were allowed to have any type of relationship with the opposite sex until we were officially divorced. At the time it made sense, if I couldn't have him, then I was hell bent that no one could. I was convinced that if he could just be with out me in every way for any length of time that he would realize how much he needed me. I felt that hunger every time he came home from a long trip, or returned from a deployment. Surely this time would be the same. It's wasn't, and it isn't. A couple weeks ago, well maybe a month or two ago...I tried to convince him to have phone sex with me. How embarassing. I seriously could have crawled under the bed and died when he turned me down. It broke my heart for him not to want me that way, even when things were bad, even the morning I left to move home we had sex "one last time".

The point is, now six months ago I separated from my husband. I included a stipulation in our little agreement that we both signed saying that neither of us could have a relationship. But I want one. Ultimately I would love for it to be with him. I would love for him to have an ephifiany and come running home a changed man, but that isn't going to happen. In the ten+ years since I started dating I have never been alone, never. I have felt most complete when someone was holding my hand. I have felt most loved when someone was inside me, coincidentally I also felt the most alone in those moments. Why now am I feeling as though I could easily launch myself down the same destructive, heart breaking path. I just want to feel loved. Not in the way Adaline loves me, or my family loves me, that completes me in a different way. Why do I feel like I need to be WITH someone to be myself? Why am I so scared of being alone? Why do I base all my self worth in a man needing and wanting me, of how good I can cook and clean and balance life and be the perfect little stepford wife? Why do I put so much emphasis on the way it looks from the outside when inside I am literally crumbling apart?


  1. I have been there. Been there and it is hard to climb out of. I made myself stay single for 1 year minimum ultimately 2. I didn't sleep with anyone for 1 1/2 years either. By making myself do that I broke the cycle of feeling worthy only if a guy wanted me. It was hard and it sucked but it made my like me for me instead of relying on why the guy liked me. Stay strong!!!

  2. I've been there. Searching for love to complete me. But the truth is that I needed to complete myself before I could ever give anything to another person. I needed to really know who I was, separate from my friends and family and anyone else. I needed to understand how I worked. I needed to know that I could be by myself and live and be happy and productive and all that before I shared any of that with another person. You can do it too. It's not easy. It's sometimes not fun. But in the end, I'm a much happier person and I can lovingly be with my husband in an equal relationship where I'm just as important as he is.

  3. I feel the exact same way. I probably could have written this post word for word. I'm still trying to find myself, and have found that I'm staying in my current relationship based on those same fears....of being alone. I'm hoping that with time, it will change. Just know you're not alone. I think pretty much every girl goes through this, at some point.

  4. Girl. You are beautiful and I just don't think you know how much so... you are a strong person!!! Don't let him do this to you anymore!!! Do NOT succumb to another heart breaking relationship! You are so much freaking better than that. I still do struggle with feeling like everything has to be perfect. I am happily married with three children and trying to get my healthy lifestyle back on track. Am I perfect? HELL NO. Honestly I am glad I am not. But I still feel the need sometimes for my house to be in tip top shape, to have a better car, to have the trendiest clothes and the most up to date phone, etc. Why? Material things don't matter... Looks really don't matter. It's all about you and how you feel about yourself, etc! Hang in there sweetie! I know it isn't easy and I know we can all tell you not to BUT SERIOUSLY... YOU DESERVE THE WORLD! Don't let another good thing ever pass you by...

  5. I know it's WAAAAAY easier said than done, but you need to take time for yourself. Time to find out who you really are. No dating. You need to KNOW that you are not defined by the relationship that you are in, how your home looks, or your daughter. It sounds to me like you have never taken the time to focus on you, and you alone. I know you're not alone, because you have Addy, but you still need to take a small step away and give yourself some attention, some love from YOU. I see your photos, you're gorgeous. Another man, the RIGHT man, will come along when it's time. Don't go searching for him and wanting/needing him so bad, it won't work out. Take some time, even a short time, and just think about YOU!! Hugs!!

  6. I was the same way, but then after my second divorce, I called a time out. I've been on my time out for far too long!! But, it makes me remember being where you were. I would have done ANYTHING to get something out of my husband before the divorce was finalized. Acceptance is something we all want!

  7. Alexandra thank you for representing Daddy & I in such a positive way. We are blessed!!! I agree with needing to be ok with you. You have many friends her in our hometown to be just that friends with. Let those relationships happen. Sex is just sex!!! Love and friendship are happiness on a whole new glad Daddy was my one and only but that's our story. Take the positive you see in our relationship and hold out for that. Nothing less than love and respect. Loving you and walking alongside. Your Momma ❤