Friday, March 15, 2013

My Biggest Fear Comes Creeping In...

That you never loved me or her or anyone or anything...

Last night crossfit was the most amazing experience of my life. I made my body do things I didn't think it was capable of. How humbling to walk out of there with a little waddle and know you accomplished something great. The people were fanominal , the instructor was great, the other crossfiters were amazing too. I felt intimidated walking in that door, and left feeling like part of something. Something greater then the broken family I've been trying so desperately to put back together. I cried when I told my mom about it, that's how much I loved it. For me it's about more then just a work out it's about the humbleness and intimidation you feel walking in and the sheer pride you feel walking out. I have gone through hell and back in the last six months...this is just one more thing to show my strength. Not to anyone else...to myself. Competing against yourself is not something I'm familiar with, but I absolutely love it. I have found my sport. I am an athlete. I will never ever stop!

I returned home on a high, that was quickly demolished. I walked into a book addressed to Adam King and Kayla Skaggs, with MY home address on it. Like any other women in the world I Searched her on FB...her profile picture is glaring back at me with my stupid husbands face cheesing away holding onto her like he used to hold onto me. They've been together since October, mind you we left at the end of September. The King moves fast apparently. He went to her home in California and met her parents for his birthday, spent however many days with them. What a fucking looser.

Did he ever love me? Did he ever love our daughter? Did he ever really mean any of the things he said? How in the hell are we so easily replaceable!?! I sit here and best myself up day after day and wonder if I did the right thing...now I know I did. Thank you Lord for this final sign, I now know who the king really is.

I do feel so sorry for that poor girl though, I don't think she realizes that she's walking into hell. A man who left his family. A man who abused his wife physically and emotionally. A man who cheated and lied. A man who moved on from a seven year relationship with in weeks and into her bed. A man who is MARRIED still. The thought of her being in my home this weekend is enough to make me dry heave. That beautiful home that I put so much time into making perfect for my king, for my family. I wonder if she will look around at the patched holes in the walls and know that those are there because the king threw a frying pan at me, or a full water bottle, or slammed the door open because I was hiding because he had just hit me. I wonder if she knows Adam and I have been best friends since we were 13 and I know that man inside and out. I wonder if she knows she won't be able to fix him, you can't love the hurt out of that man, you can't fix his scars...and because of those things he is crazy. He will only do to her what he did to me and the two girls before me. Control her, abuse her, and leave her. Hopefully he doesn't leave her with a child too.

I could vomit. I definitely cried. Was I really that stupid? Did I really not know all this time as we were talking late at night about being a family again that he was really with HER! It makes me sick the lies that man is capable of, his ability to detach himself from his feelings is amazing...and disturbing. We are a family. We made a life, and it was SO easy for him to walk away.

Finally I am too. Rot in hell King. You have broken me for the very last time. I hope your girlfriend enjoys our house and your charming ways for as long as they last...



17 comments:

  1. GirlFran! You are much better without him! So is your baby!

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  2. Can you say pathalogical liar.....the sadness has made way for anger and the anger for apathy....time to get on my knees and pray for our sweet Adaline that she may never have to know or be let down by this man. That she is now surrounded by her strong silly Pipay and her Uncle who are great men and that she will never accept less. That she sees the strength in the women around her and knows to never settle in any facit of life. Alexandra you are my soul and Adaline my little heartbeat. Forever my love and support. Momma

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  3. I LOVE how you put their pictures on blast! Girl, you are AWESOME. Do not EVER forget it. I wish I could just hug you!

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  4. I'm so sad for you. But I agree with you 100%. God knew you were slipping back into "The Kings" trap and God HAD to put an end to it. No telling what would have happened if ya'll had gotten back together. God has a perfect plan for you.

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  5. I HATE him! It hurts now, but you are so much better off. That girl probably has NO idea (and if she does shame on her) because who would want a man that does all of these things?

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  6. So sad for you! It's going to take you a realllllly long time to move on from a situation like this... not just physically, but emotionally. And that's ok!! I think it's important to go through all of the emotions that will come when going through such a traumatic experience, but after some time it's also important to focus on the future. No one deserves to be treated that way and lied to constantly. Some people will never change. If he won't for his daughter, nothing will EVER make him! It's time to build your life the way YOU want it to be. After reading your blog for some time now, it sounds to me like it's never been about what YOU have wanted. What better time to make it yours, than now? We're all prayin' for ya girl. Keep your head up!

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  7. Men like that make me SICK!!! My sister left a relationship like that almost a year ago and it was the best decision she ever made. It's still not "easy" for her, but she's getting there. Hang in there and know that it will get easier. You deserve better than that.

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  8. Duuuude... I had never seen (or I guess looked for, on your blog) his face before. You are way to pretty for him, what were you thinking crazy girl? I'm happy you're done with him and that your baby girl looks like you!!

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  9. It's not that you and your daughter are replaceable. It's that he's an ass. Plain and simple. And he has no regard for anyone other than himself. He's very selfish. I've realized that there are men out there like that, no matter how good of a person you are to them, they just don't care. My ex was the same way. I was kicked out of our house that we lived in together - he said he needed space. Later I found out it was because the girl he was cheating on me with was PREGNANT, and they were engaged. He is now cheating on her. Your ex will do the same thing to the girl he's with now. Trust me. It may be all pink and roses for them right now, but it won't be for long. Be happy that you got out of that situation. Be happy that you can now find someone who is WORTH your time, and most of all, who DESERVES to be the father of your child. It will take time, but you'll get out of this not feeling jealous, but feeling sorry for this poor girl, who is now your ex's new victim.

    And good for your for trying Crossfit!!!

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  10. I know this is hard but I am glad you are discovering that you made the right choice. She is not even cute. (not that it matters..) and I hope you opened that package or atleast set it on fire:)

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  11. Alex, look how much you have accomplished since you left. You have an entire family, a town and all of your friends around you to help you raise Addy, to go to school, to start a life over.
    That boy is only ever going to be just that, a boy, a child. His actions speak louder than words.
    I know you are angry, the hurt that he has done to you alone is worth him rotting away all alone.
    That girl must know that he had a family, even if he's telling her that YOU left, she knows. She is stupid and naive.

    Keep your head high and let your heart heal. You are already in a place that is making him jealous, so... Keep up the good work.

    Kick some crossfit butt while your at it :)

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  12. Ugh.... so sorry that the bastard managed to ruin your great evening. I am so glad that you and your baby girl have moved away from that man. He is a danger to the both of you.

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