That you never loved me or her or anyone or anything...
Last night crossfit was the most amazing experience of my life. I made my body do things I didn't think it was capable of. How humbling to walk out of there with a little waddle and know you accomplished something great. The people were fanominal , the instructor was great, the other crossfiters were amazing too. I felt intimidated walking in that door, and left feeling like part of something. Something greater then the broken family I've been trying so desperately to put back together. I cried when I told my mom about it, that's how much I loved it. For me it's about more then just a work out it's about the humbleness and intimidation you feel walking in and the sheer pride you feel walking out. I have gone through hell and back in the last six months...this is just one more thing to show my strength. Not to anyone else...to myself. Competing against yourself is not something I'm familiar with, but I absolutely love it. I have found my sport. I am an athlete. I will never ever stop!
I returned home on a high, that was quickly demolished. I walked into a book addressed to Adam King and Kayla Skaggs, with MY home address on it. Like any other women in the world I Searched her on FB...her profile picture is glaring back at me with my stupid husbands face cheesing away holding onto her like he used to hold onto me. They've been together since October, mind you we left at the end of September. The King moves fast apparently. He went to her home in California and met her parents for his birthday, spent however many days with them. What a fucking looser.
Did he ever love me? Did he ever love our daughter? Did he ever really mean any of the things he said? How in the hell are we so easily replaceable!?! I sit here and best myself up day after day and wonder if I did the right thing...now I know I did. Thank you Lord for this final sign, I now know who the king really is.
I do feel so sorry for that poor girl though, I don't think she realizes that she's walking into hell. A man who left his family. A man who abused his wife physically and emotionally. A man who cheated and lied. A man who moved on from a seven year relationship with in weeks and into her bed. A man who is MARRIED still. The thought of her being in my home this weekend is enough to make me dry heave. That beautiful home that I put so much time into making perfect for my king, for my family. I wonder if she will look around at the patched holes in the walls and know that those are there because the king threw a frying pan at me, or a full water bottle, or slammed the door open because I was hiding because he had just hit me. I wonder if she knows Adam and I have been best friends since we were 13 and I know that man inside and out. I wonder if she knows she won't be able to fix him, you can't love the hurt out of that man, you can't fix his scars...and because of those things he is crazy. He will only do to her what he did to me and the two girls before me. Control her, abuse her, and leave her. Hopefully he doesn't leave her with a child too.
I could vomit. I definitely cried. Was I really that stupid? Did I really not know all this time as we were talking late at night about being a family again that he was really with HER! It makes me sick the lies that man is capable of, his ability to detach himself from his feelings is amazing...and disturbing. We are a family. We made a life, and it was SO easy for him to walk away.
Finally I am too. Rot in hell King. You have broken me for the very last time. I hope your girlfriend enjoys our house and your charming ways for as long as they last...