Tuesday, March 5, 2013


Hey Divas!
Earlier today I read a post by my girl Lora.
She was talking about the blogging funk she's been in and I can totally relate rite now.
Six months ago I couldn't get enough, I had so much to say and to get out.
I loved getting to know you all, and for all of you to get to know me.
That hasn't changed.
What has changed is through these past few months I think I'm becoming withdrawn a little, maybe a little quiet.
I've really been praying to see the lesson in this awful, terrible, no good, very very bad "season" in my life.
I feel like God keeps telling me to be quiet and listen.

Through my time with PJ I spent a few weeks crying, and trying to figure out how the hell this could happen to me.I had a beautiful home filled with pottery barn, floors you could eat off of, I baked every day, and cooked every meal for my husband. I hosted play groups, spent time with my girl friends, spent evenings playing with Adaline and exercising with Alysha. Nights were spent with a glass of wine with my husband, and weekends were spent snuggling, or hiking, or landscaping and cleaning. We threw parties and had BBQ's every weekend. We had so much fun. And our life was perfect. At least that's how it looked, at least that's what everyone thought. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't even close.

I am a control freak. Vacuum lines not being perfectly defined, or tooth paste splattered on the mirror could send me into a tail spin. Grass on the floor from wet feet coming out of the pool would literally send me on a cleaning frenzy on the verge of a panic attack. I was a maniac. I lost myself. I lost so many precious moments with my sweet Adaline because I was more worried about the grout not being what enough. I lost who I was, I lost the ability to laugh. I lost my friendship with my husband. I lost my best friend. Most importantly I lost sight of God.

Blogging has become hard in my quiet time. Having friends has been hard. And I have lost a couple very good ones, but I've also found some old ones again. I remember why I love them, they remind me of when I was happy and being with them is so effortless. They're my safe place. My family is my safe place. I feel so fortunate for this home I have been able to come home to while I figure out what to do next, while I find myself again and lick my wounds. This doesn't so much feel like my safe place any more. It did. I loved being able to type away and know that no one I knew was going to see it. All of you would, but it was our little secret. Now that The King has read my blog...it doesn't feel anymore. Everything I write I think about wether or not he's reading it and what he would think...do I really want him to know how raw and broken I still am?

Anyways, the point is I'm having trouble finding my voice...or hearing it I guess. I'm stuck in the quiet place. I'm lonely even in a room full of people. I feel so much guilt for my life falling apart, for Adaline not having her father...and I can't get over it.


  1. Oh hon...so sorry that you are feeling that way.. I'm sending lots of hugs..

  2. Sorry you are feeling this way. But I can relate. We are all here for you when your "voice" comes back. We are behind you 100% and enjoy the joy you bring us in your posts!!! You have no reason to feel any guilt. You are a head strong person and everything will work out...it always does! Things work in mysterious ways :)

  3. Oh honey, it breaks my heart to hear your pain. Take all the time that you need to away, to listen, to regroup... we'll all be here if/when you decide to come back. Believe it or not there will come a day when the last thing you care about is whether or not Adam reads your blog... you will really not even think of it. You will write, and do all things, for you, and the thought of Adam will have no control over that! I love you to bits and I don't want to see you stop blogging because I always want to know what's going on with you, but everyone, myself included, understands. We're here, not going anywhere, and having nothing but love for you and that sweet little girl of yours! xoxo

  4. And I hope you're not even thinking about posting for WIW... if your hearts not in it, it's not in it, don't even think twice about that! I'll still be here and linking up so whenever you want to come back, the door is always open!

  5. You know I love you babe! God says to be quiet? Then you shut up! and thats OK. Because speaking for myself I love you, and will just email your ass when I want attention (bc im an attention whore ya know ;-)) so it doesnt matter if you dont post for the net 632 days. On day 633 It will be like Christmas because it means YOU are listening to Him and making great choices! muah muah muah!!!

  6. Sending all my love and prayers your way. My heart breaks for you and your baby girl!!! Be still and listen to the Lord. He will guide you to where you need to be.

  7. Thinking of you love. Some times it's the peace and quiet we need for a while. Some times that's what helps us heal. Your obligation is to your sweet little girl and yourself. We will be here when you are ready to talk again.
    Big Hugs

  8. I hurt so bad for you today! Literally I have tears because I, myself, have been where you are. Just feeling like you are literally all alone when in reality you are surrounded by tons of people. Know that even though we have never met I am thinking and praying of you and I am here if you ever just need somebody to talk to... Somebody out of the picture. Also know that we will all still be here and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being silent!!! You have to do what is right for you and your baby girl! You are a wonderful Mom and that is by far the most important thing! HUGS LADY!

  9. Lots of love and prayers your way. I can't offer much comfort, because I'm going through rough times myself. All I can tell you is to keep your head up. Better days are ahead for you and I both. I'm sure of it.

    From Chunky to Funky

  10. I'm so sorry! I can't relate to exactly what you are going through, but I have felt like my life is falling apart in other ways. My husband lost his job, we lost our home and had to move. At the time, I never thought we would survive.

    When things are falling apart
    it is so other things
    can fall into place

    At the time I actually hated that quote! It was SO hard to believe and have faith.
    3 years later....It was the best thing that ever happened to us!

    It won't happen over night but I know YOU WILL OVERCOME!