Now it's no secret that thus far motherhood hasn't exactly gone how I always hoped it would go. As a young girl I dreamed of being a pharmacist one week, a youth pastor the next, or a physical therapist the next..one commonality was being a mother. I always knew above all I wanted to be a mother.
The first two and a half years of Adaline's life I was a stay at home mom, and even now I am able to work a part time job and be with her most of the time. I got to be the one there for her first steps, her first words, I got to breastfeed her for the first year...I don't miss much of Adaline's life, thankfully I have my mom, her Memmay, there whenever I am not.
What I had never planned on was being a single mother. When Adaline's father and I decided to get pregnant, she was a child I prayed for, a little life we planned for. I never thought he would leave us, leave her, but he did.
I am thankful for so many reasons for my sweet girl. There have been really dark days in her three short years, and even when she was in my belly where her smile has saved me. Her hiccups and sharp kicks to let me know she was still alive were the only thing that day that made me smile.
In the past year since we became a pair, a different kind of "family" then the one I had always dreamed of I have found myself looking at motherhood in a whole new light. I have re-evaluated my goals, my hopes, my dreams for my life with my sweet girl.
First and foremost as a mother I want Addy to look back on her life and be proud to have had a mother like me. I want her to know pieces of what happened between her father and I, and I want her to thank me, not forsake me for leaving. I want her to know that when she was made she was made in love. I want her to know that she IS Adam and my love, she is the most amazing perfect representation of who we once were...in the flesh. Every time her little heart beats it's beating with half of me and half of him. She is us, she is perfect. I never want her to question if she is loved.
Secondly I want her to grow up embracing and praising herself for the physical strength her body is capable of. I do not want her to spend her teenage years battling an eating disorder like I did. I want her to be sure of herself, and confident. I want to use the mistakes I made to keep her from hurting the way I did. Crossfit has obviously been a huge factor in my learning that, and I want her to know the beauty in that strength as well.
I want her to know GOD. I spent my adolesence knowing him, loving him, knowing he loved me. I felt what it was like to raise my hands in the air and worship him, I want her to feel that too. I don't want her to ever feel alone, though I know she will. I want her to know in those moments to pray. To turn to her father and share her day with him, thank him for all the things that are beautiful, and know that there is always a purpose for everything. everything.
I want to be more patient. Don't we all? I am a type A personality, my beautiful blue eyed girl is not. I'm a hurrier, a planner, I like to be early for everything. She makes me slow down, stop and smell the roses...look at the ducks, savor every last sprinkle of my ice cream cone instead of rush and eat it before it melts. Because really whats the harm in a little melted ice-cream. Adaline has always done everything in her own time, from her birth...which was a few days late, and ended in a c-section after 14 hours of labor. I knew that day I had met my match. I was going to have to learn to float through life, stopping to enjoy all it's pleasures along the way, because my Adaline, she wasn't going to rush for anyone.
I want to teach her how to express herself, and her feelings. Believe it or not, this isn't something I'm very good at. I have an "it is what it is" attitude about most anything. I can take or leave just about anything, or at least that's how it appears, on the inside I'm usually in agony obsessing. Blogging has been my outlet. I love you is hard for me to say, appreciation is hard for me to show. For example I love my parents more then words could every express, yet still I can't tell you the last time I touched either of them, especially Daddy, I cry even thinking about how I used to walk up to him and put my head between his shoulder blades...I needed to touch him. And how now I am afraid to do that, to show my love, because of Adam and what he did to me. I want to learn how to show my love, and express myself physically and verbally so that Adaline learns to do the same. I don't want her to be hurt by my way of self-preservation.
I want to be her bestfriend. I want her to want to be with me. To remember rolling in the grass, and flipping tires with her mom when she is older. I want her to always feel like it's safe to come to me with anything. I want to always be her soft place to land. I don't want her to ever feel like she has to hide things from me.
I don't know that I necessarily believe in "parenting" a child. Not in the way that I am the superior one, and she is to be treated like she is beneath me. My parents always treated us like equals growing up, and now they are my two best friends. There is very little they don't know about my life, I never felt like I needed to hide anything from them, and in turn also didn't want to disappoint them. I never really was punished, because I never did anything wrong. They stood next to me and guided me, helped me up when I fell, let me learn my own lessons as long as I wasn't hurting anyone else or myself, and then they helped me work through things. That style of parenting helped my mature faster and become a very well rounded adult. I appreciate them for that, and I am glad that they will be the ones helping me raise my Adaline.
Something that I don't talk about very much is wanting to give her a family. I had a great Dad, the kind of man I want to raise Adaline is a man like my father, not like her father. I want to show her that I can do this on my own and I want her to be proud of me. I want to protect her from the man that fathered her, in our nearly seven years together he has done nothing but hurt me, that is a pain I will keep her from forever and for always. I want her to grow up knowing everything I do I do for her. She is the axsis that my world spins on...she is my world and I am the sun orbiting around her. Adaline is...Addy is my everything. I want her to always know that.
I want to preserve her innosence for as long as possible, I know I won't be able to protect her from everything, but I'm certainly going to try. I was given the most wonderful thing the day I brought her into this world. God gave me the privlidge of seeing his love for me through my love for my own child. I want to give Addy lot's of brothers and sisters one day, for her to love the way I love mine. I want her to always know that no one could ever be what she was to me...we are a team. Since the beginning it's always been just her and I against the world. And no matter what I will be right there standing behind her watching her grow, protecting her with all that I have to give, praying over her with ever ounce of love in my heart.
I want her to know she is loved.