Monday, August 26, 2013

never win the war



Sometimes we expect betrayal when it happens. Other times it takes us completely by surprise. When I found out Adam's girlfriend was invited to one of my Arkansas friends baby shower...that was a surprise. I had never honestly felt more betrayed in my whole life than in that moment. How could they welcome her into their home knowing full well what she took from me, what she took from Addy. How could HE allow that to even happen? And then I realized, honestly it didn't even matter.

We haven't spoke in over a week, and I intend for it to stay that way. There is no reason for there to be further conversation. The horse is dead, and though I am not flying my white flag, quite the opposite really, I am done. Resigned. Giving up.

The fact of the matter is my life, who I am, who I have become is more of myself now then ever before when I was with Adam. For the first time in my entire life I truly am okay with who I have become. I trust my decisions, and I know my own strength.

Every step of the way, from the first time he hit me, to when I found out about his cheating, to when I found out about his girlfriend...finding about her visting my home, then weeks later moving in. When he didn't pay me money he was supposed to, every time he pays less child support then we agreed on...every single time I've let it surprise me. Disappoint me. I've left my life open to him to hurt me, to hate me, to punish me. What's he punishing me for? I don't know, his own guilt probably. If he even has the capacity to feel that emotion.

Reguardless. I'm done.
I have no more words about him.
For him.
Positive or negative.
It just is.
He was my husnand.
He was Adaline's Dad.
Now he's not.
Life goes on.
One day the nightmares and cold sweats will stop.
One day I will stop crying, stop hurting.
And for now I think the only thing I can do is cut him off.
He may win the battles, but he will never win the war.

5 comments:

  1. You know...this gives you all the power. I'm so sorry you have been though all that you have. You are worth a man stepping up and being the best man he can be.....for you and your daughter - just remember that!

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  2. You are winning the battle... every day. Don't you forget that. Hang in there, it gets better. Maybe not eaiser because the challenges just evolve but you will eventually get more calm inside and settled in your mind about all of it. Trust me, been there. Hugs Lady!!

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  3. You are AMAZING..strong and inspiring!!! You probably have no idea how many people's lives you have touched.
    You have won every battle and every war..you are FREE and you are creating the life YOU want and need ..for yourself and your baby...He will always remain the same..while the pain will take time to go away..remember how FAR you have come!!!!!

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  4. There will come a time when you really just won't care anymore. You realize and truly believe that none of it was your fault. In reality he freed you and your beautiful baby girl. Gave you a better life, made you a better stronger person by freeing you!!!!!! You'll then look at his life and what happens in it and think thank god he's not my problem anymore, thank god I don't have to deal with that, thank god my daughter will never remember the arguing and violence! Until then realize that you have inspired tons of people with your story and hopefully given others strength to deal with their our battles!!!!

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