Monday, August 26, 2013
never win the war
Sometimes we expect betrayal when it happens. Other times it takes us completely by surprise. When I found out Adam's girlfriend was invited to one of my Arkansas friends baby shower...that was a surprise. I had never honestly felt more betrayed in my whole life than in that moment. How could they welcome her into their home knowing full well what she took from me, what she took from Addy. How could HE allow that to even happen? And then I realized, honestly it didn't even matter.
We haven't spoke in over a week, and I intend for it to stay that way. There is no reason for there to be further conversation. The horse is dead, and though I am not flying my white flag, quite the opposite really, I am done. Resigned. Giving up.
The fact of the matter is my life, who I am, who I have become is more of myself now then ever before when I was with Adam. For the first time in my entire life I truly am okay with who I have become. I trust my decisions, and I know my own strength.
Every step of the way, from the first time he hit me, to when I found out about his cheating, to when I found out about his girlfriend...finding about her visting my home, then weeks later moving in. When he didn't pay me money he was supposed to, every time he pays less child support then we agreed on...every single time I've let it surprise me. Disappoint me. I've left my life open to him to hurt me, to hate me, to punish me. What's he punishing me for? I don't know, his own guilt probably. If he even has the capacity to feel that emotion.
Reguardless. I'm done.
I have no more words about him.
Positive or negative.
It just is.
He was my husnand.
He was Adaline's Dad.
Now he's not.
Life goes on.
One day the nightmares and cold sweats will stop.
One day I will stop crying, stop hurting.
And for now I think the only thing I can do is cut him off.
He may win the battles, but he will never win the war.