Thursday, August 1, 2013

What I Know....And What I Still Haven't Figured Out

" I promise you this, I'll always look out for you, that's what I'll do. My heart is yours."

The day I gave birth to Adaline was the best day of my entire life. All my life I dreamed of being a mom, but I could never have imagined the way it would feel when the doctor handed her to Adam and he brought her over to me to kiss her for the first time. It was then that I knew my life was complete. It didn't matter what had happened before, or what was to come. Not a day would go by that I wouldn't give everything I had to give to that blue eyed baby with the cutest cheeks I had ever seen. 

That day I knew she had my heart...three years later she IS my heart. She is the smartest, most beautiful, most caring, sweet perfect little creature God ever created. That I am sure of. We have gone through so much change in her three short years. She was by my side during two deployments, she was there every time her father broke my heart, she was there looking back at me the day he held me against the wall for the last time...her eyes were the only thing I saw when I called home to Dad to come get us that day. Her laugh was the only thing I heard, louder then the sound of my heart cracking in half. She is the reason I live. She is the reason I have survived. 

Over the last year I have seen some really dark days. Days where I truly wanted to find a place to fall asleep and never wake up. She was my light. My sweet girl is the only reason I wake up in the morning, and the only reason I am still alive. 

I don't know who I am, but I know what I am. I am a mother, and a great one at that. With so many uncertainties in our future, and so much pain in our past...through everything, the ONLY thing worth fighting for are those two blue eyes and angel lips. She makes this life worth living, and this fight worth fighting.

Not a single day goes by that I don't feel guilty for the man who I chose to father her. Not a single night goes by that in the darkness I don't feel physical pain radiating from my chest. When it's dark and I am left alone with my own thoughts and memories...I cry. For eleven months straight I have cried myself to sleep every single night. What I know, is that I was a great mother, an amazing wife, I gave everything I had to my family, to my marriage. No one will ever love that man the way I did, no one can ever give what I gave. Those things I know. What I don't know is why that wasn't enough. What I still can't figure out is how he can go a single day with out seeing those blue he can go eleven months with out those two little arms around him. There is NO greater feeling in this world then walking through the kitchen door, hearing Addy's little foot steps on the stairs...and hearing her call out to me "Momma, I missed you" and feeling her weight in my arms. How could that not be something that HE sees as something worth fighting for? How could he deny her a penny of child support? How could he put his girlfriend before his own child?

What I know is that baby is a blessing. That baby is my reason for living, the reason I come home every day. What I don't know is why, or how he cannot feel the same way. Not loving me is one thing, denying her his love is a completely different thing. I will never forgive him for that. I certainly will never understand why....

She is my sun. 
She is my stars.
& my moon.
She is my universe.

Adam Richard, she is your were there the day we made her, the day we planned for her and prayed for her. You were there the day we brought her into this world and held her for the first time. I remember the pride in your eyes, I remember the love in your expression as she pushed the lawn mower next to you, or followed you to the fishing pond with her little barbie fishing pole. I also remember the dead expression in your eyes last September as you kissed your girls goodbye. Remember who you were, who we were...know who she is. Remember the way she looked at you, her DADDY...the man who helped bring her into this world. Her little hand in yours, you were supposed to protect her. When we made her, you made an unspoken promise to give her the world. Every time you look next to you when you wake up, or sit at our table with that other girl...think of your girls. Your family. Take some responsibility for the lives you have changed, own your mistakes. For god sakes LOVE that child. No one in this world deserves love more then her. I forgive you, but I will never ever EVER understand what made it so easy for you to walk right out of our lives. 

I will live every day for that child. She was a gift from God. His way of showing me what his love for me looks like. The love of a parent for their child. I will protect her at all costs. I will lay down my life for her if ever I am asked. She is my reason for living. I will die protecting and loving her. This pain is something she will never know. 

Do I wish things could have been different, and that she could have had both of us...of course I do. 
Do I hurt every day because she doesn't...absolutely. 
But I do know I did the right thing, that I saved her from him and the pain he felt...that he felt it necessary to take out on me.
With out a doubt pain he would have taken out on her.
He fell short, wasn't able to be the father or husband we deserved.
Someone else will.
That I know.

"The pain that comes today,
Is here, then goes away.
And we are homeward bound,
And I,
I want this more than life.
To touch something real,
Will help your wounds heal,
Like the sun on your face,
The dreams of starry nights.
And we are homeward bound"


  1. "This pain is something she will never know." THAT'S why he's not in her life Alex. That may not be Adam's reasoning, but that is God's reason. She may someday know the pain of an absent father, but that is better than the pain of having one who doesn't treat her or her the mother the way they deserve to be treated.

  2. You got the best part of him! This is a blessing in disguise because you and your precious little one will have a bond like no other. Not only will you be her hero, momma, but also her best friend. Don't let him know that you shed tears at night, he's not worth it. God is only giving you a little test but he has something HUGE waiting for you. Look at what all you have accomplished in almost a years time! You are a strong strong woman Alex! I admire you and hope one day to meet you! :)

  3. I agree with Lins, you got the best part of him! She is so beautiful (so are you!) and you two deserve the best.

  4. Sounds to me God has definitely led you to be such a great mother. We may not see the big picture, but God already has it planned out. You sound like a very strong & smart woman, your daughter will grow up to be the same because you're her guide.
    She doesn't need a little boy in her life that mom will have to clean up after & it sounds like if he was in her life that's what you'd have to do. She doesn't deserve that, no child does!
    You keep praying, you keep your head held high, you instill the best in her & love her. You do not need a man in your life like that because you deserve better & your little girl needs a father figure, not someone that will break her heart.
    She will always love you & I bet one day when she gets older she will say "thank you" :)