Friday, August 2, 2013

I did what I could with what you gave me...

"As you can see, I'm not gonna beg and plead
As you can see, I'm not your worst enemy

And I did what I could with what you gave to me
And one door is all the way out
Did what I could and now it's off of me
And I'll leave it all to you to make good"


That is what I feel today. For the last month that Mr.King has ignored Adaline and I, I've tortured myself. Everynight I have gone to sleep with tears in my eyes, and woke up in a cold sweat dreaming of him. Nightmares...dreaming of his life with out us, of his life with her. It has absolutely tortured me, not that he replaced me, eventhough that thought shatters me...but that he replaced our girl.

Out of our seven years spent together, as much pain as there was at the end, we also made the most beautiful thing that I could have ever imagined. Our Addy Bear. Adam gave me a lot of hurt, but he also was there to give me a part of him that turned into the greatest gift I had ever been given. Adaline Charlotte King. She is all the good parts of him, and equal parts of me. Instead of looking at her little shoulder shrug, and hippity hoppity walk...or her eye roll and letting it break my heart because it reminds me of him, I can look at that and be happy. There is far more ugly in my recent memories of Adam, than good. But those little characteristics she has that are his...those are my sweet boy. She doesn't have the hateful fire in her eyes, or the quick venemous tongue. She has his happy traits. Those small glimpses of light in all the darkness that I held on to for so long...she has them all. Instead of remembering the ugly in his eyes, every day I get to remember his happy walk, and his long fluttering eyelashes.

For years he truly was my best friend. In Adaline I see the untainted innocence of a sweet, carefree, beautiful, loving little girl. I see the eyes of the little boy standing at the end of the isle waiting for me on our wedding day. I am blessed with getting to live with those happy things...while every day he has to live in our hell on earth. Our home. He gets to look at the patches in the walls, the chips in the tile, the pink room our baby slept in...the living room where she took her first steps, the bed where she peacefully slept between us, the driveway where she helped him wash the jeep, the garage where she handed him tools when he worked on the car, or built me my chairs that are on the front porch...the counters where she helped me make dinner at night, and the tub where she took her baths..the stone flowerbeds in the front and back yard that we spent days in the hundred degree Arkansas summer heat as a family building together, he gets to walk to get the mailbox every day alone now, her favorite thing to do with him. The walk way is no longer covered in chalk drawings, and there is no pink tricycle to trip over...I am SO blessed that even though it hurts my heart to see pieces of him in her, that I get to see the good parts, I don't have to live IN the ugly parts.

We all look for something to numb the pain, that moment of sheer and utter peace where nothing else in this whole world matters. I find that every day as I walk up to the bar at crossfit, as I lunge across the rubber floor with eighty pounds balancing over my head. It doesn't matter what I have left behind, and it doesn't matter what I still have yet to figure out. I am happy in that moment. Nothing can take that away. I feel the same way in those moments with my Addy girl, the sound of her little feet, the weight of her little arms around my neck, the love in her little eyes when she looks at me, the innosence of her little giggle. Everyday I look for an escape from the pain I have felt, the pain I still feel...something I no longer look for is something to fill that void that I felt when Adam decided he no longer wanted us. To be honest that is a void I no longer feel. Our life is so complete, where there was once pieces missing they are so full of love. Our family and friends that we lived so long with out, they now surround us. Where I used to feel weak and incomplete, I now feel full and STRONG in ways I never could have imagined.

I am so proud to have been Adam's wife, I am so proud that I can honestly say that I gave our marriage everything I had. I can truly walk away from this chapter in our life with out any regrets. I am leaving this marriage with far more then I walked into it with. Of course the most important thing is my Adaline, she is my world, she makes my life complete. But I am also walking away with peace, for so many reasons everyone would understand if I gave up, but I have found myself again, I have found my strength in this pain. Everyday when he hurt me I would pray for his heart to be softned and for God to forgive his sins, I still do. I do have faith that one day Adam will see the light, he will see the wonderful life we were blessed with. Unfortuinately it will be too late. Because I now see what the other side looks like. I can't wait to have what we could have had with someone who actually realizes it and relishes in every perfect God given moment. I have grown too strong to ever allow that boy to hurt us again. For Adaline and for me. I am now free to do all the things that I always wanted to do, with out him here to hold me back I don't even have to consider how he would feel about it. I don't have to think, I can just DO. He should have stopped me from walking out that door, but he chose not to. Besides my sweet Adaline the other gift he gave me was freedom. I never knew how much beauty could come from this pain. I am so blessed, and I am so lucky that he was to weak to fight for us. I am free today, and every day. I have found my peace, my happy place...I have found a love and huger for life again...something I had lost sight of when I was Adam's wife. Adaline and I will have the most beautiful life with out Adam, because he gave me the gift of freedom...he let us go. Eventhough I know he didn't do it FOR me...I am thankful he did it. He couldn't give us what we deserved. I can walk away today and every day, with no shame, with my head held high. I fought the fight. I didn't loose anything that day when I locked that door for the last time, and we drove away from that hell...I gained everything I could have never imagined.

It was in me all along, the power I posess to make this world whatever I choose. Something I had doubted for years when I was with him. Now I am free to decide what is right for my girl and I...with no fear of reprocussions and disapproval from him.

I am free.
I am peaceful.
I am right.
I am strong.
I held on to the bitter end...
and it is because of that, that I am a more complete version of myself today.
I am blessed.
I am loved.
I have so much to give to this world.
I cannot wait to live every day with my girl. make a life for us free of him.

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