Friday, August 9, 2013

Never Satisfied.

When I started blogging last July I was wearing size 18 shorts. I remember they were so tight that I had to squat in them when I put them on so my thighs didn't look like little vienna sausages squeezed into casing that was a little lot too tight. Then, all I could think of were my size 10 Abercrombie jeans I wore on my very first date with him. If I could just fit into those jeans, THEN I would be happy. Don't we all feel like that? Do you step on the scale and feel amazing if you "lost" a pound over night, or is your day ruined if god forbid you gained a pound?

I had been working out, and actually lost some weight to fit into those 18's. Today I fit in those size 10 jeans that I put so much focus on for so long. In fact I have fit in them for a few weeks now. But I'm not happy yet...WHY!?!

I was warming up last night at crossfit and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had the bar over my head doing a push press, my belly was peaking out the bottom of my size medium tank top, that is now quite loose, I had on shorts that once fit like underwear but are now falling off when I WOD...I saw definition in my shoulders, my arms, my quads, even my belly is starting to show the signs of abs peaking through...My hair was in my favorite pigtail braids, I was wearing my favorite lululemon headband...I looked in that mirror and didn't recognize myself at all. I was happy, I was strong, I was focused, I was free.

Seeing myself that way really made me realize how far I have come.
When we look in the mirror do we really see ourselves?
Or do we see what we think we look like?

At 287 pounds I was in denial.
I looked in the mirror and didn't see a size 22 figure.
I saw someone much, much, MUCH smaller.
Even now when I see pictures of myself along the way I am in shock.
I just don't remember looking like that AT ALL.

The first thing I wanted to loose was that lovely flap of skin all of us c-section mom's get.
Particularly the ones that gain 100 pounds during pregnancy.
Now I've lost it.
My skin on my belly is tight, dispite the stretch marks that cover it, I'm proud of my stomach.
Except now I want abs, and won't be happy till I have them.
I don't have that flap of skin to jiggle around in the mirror, instead I pinch the bits of fat that cover my abdominal muscles and dream of it being gone one day soon.

When I started loosing weight I had a BMI of 38%...
Then all I wanted was to get between 25%-29% which is considered "normal"...
Today my BMI is 24.6% and all I can think about is getting it down between 15%-18%.
Why can't I just be happy, be proud?

Why aren't we ever happy with ourselves?
No matter how much progress we make we can always find something we want to improve on.
I think we set goals for ourselves that we think are reasonable, attainable.
Never at 38% did I EVER think I could possibly get down to 24%...let alone one day see 18% in my future.

When you see people for the first time after loosing weight you get compliments all the time..."you look great" is often the first thing out of everyone's mouth. Then they get used to seeing you at this size, and they stop saying it. OR when they do, it just doesn't give you that same excitement it gave you before.

This past week I saw someone I hadn't seen in a while. Since the last time I saw him in May I have probably lost another 15-20 pounds.
He didn't say anything about my body.
You know what he did say though "You seemed happier, more confident and relaxed tonight. Definitely a good thing :)"
Those words meant more to me than anyone saying "you look great, how much weight have you lost"

With crossfit, and with this weight loss...AND the loss of a 160 pound man child in a keep calm and chive on shirt I have become a better version of myself.
I AM more confident.
I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself.
I do see changes I want to make, but they don't define my life like they used to
...not the numbers at least.
I just want to be happy, strong and comfortable.
And a size 6.
Do I think that 16% body fat will give me that, honestly no I don't.
There was a time that I thought a size 10 would give me that...and now I see that it wasn't ever the jeans that needed to change.
It was the woman wearing them.

There will always be something about your body you would like to change.
Once we get to that "place" we will find another "place" we want to go.
Setting goals isn't a bad thing, letting them control your life IS!
You change your body, you change your soul, you change yourself.
THEN and only then will you be happy.


  1. Aoooh! Tears! Sooooo well said! I love the new blog profile pic! You are an amazing woman! You make me wanna try cross fit! :)

    1. You SHOULD try cross fit! I think eveyone should, it is honestly the most humbling experience I have ever had! You're constantly changing, improving and sometimes even failing. It's inspiring every day & as a whole the crossfit community is the most welcoming group of people I have ever come across!

  2. You are amazing and i love you

  3. You are seriously the You rock my face errryday!!!!

  4. Very well said! It's good to set goals & strive to be the best version of yourself you can be!