Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Transformation: Sometimes you have to fight to find it

“When a man makes war on his own weaknesses he engages in the holiest war that mortals ever wage. The reward that comes from victory in this struggle is the most enduring, most satisfying, and the most exquisite that man ever experiences. In no other conflict is there so much at stake. In no other struggle are the values so precious and the results so compensating and so comforting."

I think often we have a hard time separating out things we want to change in our lives and looking at them for the individual issues they are. Instead we look at the whole pile of junk, and it overwhelms us. I'm guilty of this...I am not just a procrastinator, I am THE procrastinator. Just ask my mother

Things take time. Try your best to live a well balanced life. Choose one thing to conquer, give that your energy and time...and grind away. Don't try to run before you've even learned to walk...

Through the hell that was my marriage I lost myself. I turned to wine, prescription anxiety medicine, both often mixed together in inappropriate amounts, and food to help numb the pain of my heart breaking. Let's be real here, I got fat. I tried for a year or so to try to loose the weight, but I was lying to myself. I would push Addy's overpriced jogging stroller around the neighborhood at night while Stella, our monstrous black lab puppy, pulled against me. Sometimes I would even do the fat girl bounce run. But then I would get home. Put Addy to bed. Then I would sit and drink. And drink. And drink. Until there was nothing left in my White Tail EXTRA LARGE bottle. That way when the King arrived home a few hours later and decided to put his steel toe boot through the bedroom door, busting it out of it's frame, because the laundry wasn't folded...it would hurt less and be easier for me to cuddle up to him when he finally got in bed and try to love away his anger. 

I was absolutely miserable. I honestly can not tell you the amount of times I cried in my big jetted tub thinking about how easy it would be if I could just die right there. Literally. How would he feel if he found me in a tub of my own blood, would he understand then what he was doing to me. That he was KILLING me.

It took my leaving him to really find myself again. 

I found myself the day I walked into crossfit. 

I can still remember exactly what we did that day...slam balls, air squats, kettle bells and pushups. Slam balls are still my favorite because they remind me of the day I discovered myself again. For the last five months I have put everything into that hour a day. I have found another way to cope with my heart break outside of alcohol & xanax. The best part is I don't wake up with a headache dreading doing it all over again....I don't want to fall asleep and never wake up. I wake up in the morning with purpose, I walk out of that box every night reborn. 

I wanted to transform my body. I have done that. In the last year I have lost 60 pounds. My three year old weighs 31 pounds...In the last, what is now nearly twelve months, since Adam kicked us out I have lost TWO Three year old children. When I think of how difficult it would have been to do a burpee with Addy and one of her friends strapped to me, I laugh at how difficult that would be. I did it though. Nothing could stop me...that high was one I began to feverishly chase. For one hour nothing else in the whole world matters, the world is at peace, my heart and my brain are not at war...the only thing that matters is walking up to the bar and throwing some heavy weight around.

Left: End of July 2012                                                               Right:Early June 2013

So take this away with you today, identify a goal. Put everything you have into fighting your way to the other side of that...and CRUSH IT. The happiness, wholeness, and utter bliss you will find on the other side is something I can not even put into words. Don't even think about quitting. It may seem impossible now, believe me 130 pounds ago I could never imagined I would be wearing my high school jeans again. I would try them on every day, there was a time they wouldn't even come up over my knees, now they fall off! Start walking toward that light, before you know it you'll be running across the finish line. Grind away, don't ever stop, not for a second. The potential inside you is greater then you can imagine, sometimes you just have to fight to find it!

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