Not now, not ever.

I know not a word of what I just said mattered even the slightest bit, but I needed to say it, and I needed to do it for me. For Addy. For us. Not for you.


"When you see yourself as the glorious exception to every rule in life, eventually you will declare your wife is not the right fit or not enough or too much or just a great mom to your children or she expected too much from you or her time with you has run it's course or she is horibly imperfect. These divorce cliches are narcassism at it's best. And you will do it again to the woman you cheated with because within you lies the problem--UNFIXED."

In the beginning it was perfect.
In the middle it was a struggle.
In the end it was so bad I wanted to die.

It has taken nearly twelve months, hell it's taken seven years for me to finally see Adam for what he is. Today when he texted for the first time I can remember "How is Addy today?" at 8am...I suddenly channeled my inner ghettobabymamma "Awwe Hell Naw."

I texted him back and asked him to call me.
Surprisingly within the hour the call came.

I cannot even remember everything I said, but one thing I did ask him is if he remembered what it felt like as a toddler, and into his teenage years as he sat on the front step on Saturdays with his backpack on waiting and waiting and waiting for his father to come pick him up. His father never came. He would call and say he wanted to see Adam then never follow through.

For so long Adam expressed that feeling to be a defining moment in his life, and promised that he would do everything in his power to be a great dad DESPITE the deadbeat his father was. He has failed.

I have been sending pictures and little summaries of our week, texting him everytime Adaline reached a milestone...and gotten no response, not a single text back. Not a thank you. Not a wow she's awesome. Not even a go to hell you bitch. Nadda.

This week he didn't get any pictures or stories. So in order to have control of the situation HE texted me this morning.

Not going to fly anymore.
Adaline is three years old.
He has had the last year of our separtion to prove himself as a Dad and failed.
Hell, he has had the last three years of her life...
And even before that as she was in my belly, as he kicked me, yelled at me, and refused to feel her kicks or hickups.

Adaline is the greatest gift God ever blessed me with.
I wouldn't let a stranger treat her as an option.
So I sure as hell am not going to let her father treat her that way.

I know he has it in him to fight, and to love.
Even if those feelings are lies, he still knows HOW to act like they're the truth.
He has so much work to do to be allowed in Addy's life.
But as of today I am no longer going to hold my hand on my ass waiting for it.

He has replace me.
He never loved me.
He just mirriored my emotions and used my own words on me.
He is a narcassistic, abusive, selfish, dangerous man.
He will NOT hurt my baby.

Go to hell King, my daughter will never feel what you made me feel every day. I am not afraid of you, or what the courts will say. You already signed over all custody and visitation once, they won't overlook that when the time comes to make the final decisions. There is nothing you can do to me now, you can't hurt me. You've already taken everything...what you failed to realize is that the "everything" you took was nothing but a false facade on which our life was built. I have with me the only good, holy, truthful thing that ever came from you. MY ADALINE. You will never, ever, ever take her from me. Never.

I will no longer live in fear of him. I am reborn. I have seen the truth. I have proved again and again that I CAN and will survive with out him. I've been waiting months for this fire to finally start inside of my heart...it has & nothing is ever going to put it out. Certainly not him. Not now, not ever!