Keep it to Yourself...

While I'm writing this today I'm listening to "Keep it to Yourself" by Kacey Musgraves. Go ahead and listen to that song, then come back to read.

"You heard from your friends
That I'm doing okay
And you're thinking, maybe you made a mistake
And you want me to know
But I don't wanna know
How you're feeling
Keep it to yourself
If you think that you still love me
Put it on a shelf"
I recieved a text this morning in response to an email I had send Adam last night. He told me he was flying and he would talk to me about the email later. Then he felt the need to tell me he had spent the weekend in Lackland...

Immediately I was in the Laquinta with my bare butt on the dresser and my dress pushed up around my hips.
Immediately I was standing at the coin ceremony waiting to see my husband for the first time in eight long weeks.
Immediately I was smelling his skin and feeling his new muscles.
Immediately I was remembering the pride I felt when he pinned my spouse pin on me.
He looked so cute in his uniform, it was the first time I had seen him in his dress blues.
They still are my favorite uniform.
So handsome.
Immediately I was standing in the croud at the flag pole run waiting to see my man in his squadron t-shirt.
Immediately I was in the shower, his hands in my hair, rinsing out the conditioner.
I was laying on the floor, and he was playing with my new belly button ring.
Immediately I was on the river walk, loving MY man.
Immediately I was looking at his locker, and he was showing me all of our love letters.
Immediately I was at the Laquinta making texas shaped waffels.
...for a minute I was remembering what our happy looked like.

But this time was different.
I didn't let myself stay there.
I cried.
I texted my Lyshie, and my Sarah.
They reminiced with me.
I didn't reminice with him.
I didn't let him have the privlidge of sharing those texas shaped waffel memories with me.

This time, it didn't give me hope that he was coming home to us when he sent me the smiley face.
I know that infact he is going home to 263 Creek View drive...
And it's not Adddy and I there waiting with his favorite dinner made, brownies in the oven, house spotless.
It won't be me unpacking his flight bag and doing all his wash tonight.
It won't be me upagainst the wall as he shows me how much he missed me.
It will be her.

But it also won't be me that missed him and is excited to share some family time on his extra day off...
While he complains about being tired...
Because he is hung over and spent the last four days in the same cycle of going out all night getting black out drunk, sleeping a few hours then going to work...
It won't be me that's getting yelled at when he still didn't unpack his travel cosmetic bag and can't find his deoderant Wednesday morning at 5am when he's getting ready to go back to work...
It won't be me getting screamed at because he needs sleep and it's 10 am and I'm running the vacuum and the baby is being too noisy...
It won't be my heart breaking when he looks at me, and lies, because he spent a night with someone else...
In some shitty bar...
He "forgot" to wear his ring...
He "can't help it, he's attractive, women come up to him"...
It won't be me.
It will be her.

Instead I get to look forward to going home to MY baby, the baby we talked about making on that Lackland trip...
I get to feel her arms around me, and know that I am home.
I get to go to crossfit, and if even just for an hour I get to pretend I'm not body's soon to be ex-wife...
I get to take those memories, and the way my heart is broken right now, and I get to throw a tire around and cry instead.
I get to go home to a house where everyone loves me...
Where no one yells at me...
Where I don't cry..
Where I'm not disappointed...
Where bruises don't appear...
And voices aren't raised.

I am not that little girl in Lackland anymore.
I am a strong woman.
Inspite of him and all the pain he gave me, I have become someone I never thought I could be.
Weak.That's how he likes me.
That's how he wants me to be.
But I'm not.
And I hope it kills him.

I won't give you the satisfaction of reminicing with you. I remember every second, taste every kiss, feel every touch. But I won't go there with you, you can go there by yourself. Keep it to yourself, because we are doing okay. Go home to her with those memories fresh in your head, look at her and know that she will never give you what I gave you. You will never have what we had. You'll chase it forever, you'll lie to yourself. Bit I'll be here, and you'll be in some bar, not wearing your ring looking at pictures of MY baby...knowing in the deapest part of your core you made the worst mistake of your life. You lost us. We are g o n e....