Saturday, December 29, 2012

Letting You Drag My Heart Around...

So this week I haven't found any motivation to blog
At all.
Because all that is on my mind is this divorce.
And I don't want to be having a pity party everyday,
but I don't have much Susie Sunshine left in me either...
not this week.

I keep hearinglistening to obsessively
Sarah Evans "Little Bit Stronger"
Trying to convince myself that this is normal...
Like this disgusting ugly shit storm could really be considered normal...

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Truth is I think I'm failing miserably.
I think I'm more like a Simple Plan throw back song..."Addicted to You"
Yah' know the one, "I'm a dick, I'm addicted to you"

On Christmas Eve I was served divorce papers by The King...
Well attempted to be served, turns out my other half for seven years never knew my name.
Either that or he was part of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy the military recently instated...before it was cool.
That dumb shit had the papers made out for Alexander name is ALEXANDRA.
Alexander is a b o y.
So the post man wouldn't even give me the papers.
Jokes on you ass hole.
Obviously I called him, screamed profanities, and told him what a massive piece of garbage he was.
Like He Didn't Already Know.
Then I sunk down and leaned against the fridge and full out ugly cried.
Big heaving sobs, snot running down my face.
I felt like the ground was coming out from underneath my feet, and the fridge was my anchor.
I hate hate hate sneaky people.
The King is as sneaky and two faced as it gets...
Clearly he goes for the low blow, he's a snake, that's just not my style...


Now for those of you that don't already know, I filed for divorce in New York.
Two Months Ago...
So again my ignorant husband thinks he's above the law and can file in Arkansas...
News Flash...Yah' Can't.


He has to retract the papers, yadda yadda yadda, and my papers will clearly take precedence.
Now the funny thing is what the papers said.
He wants to pay less child support, not pay for college, or partial daycare & medical expenses.
Like that's surprising.
He also wants partial custody and visitation rights.
Which he originally gave up in favor of me giving up my right to spousal support.
It's all about the benjamins for The King.
Now all of the sudden he wants to have visitation rights...and partial custody...
From 1400 miles away, when he can't even get his hungover lying butt out of bed to Skype Addy ONCE a week on a consistent basis.


Even after he did yet another shitty thing {filing for a bullshit divorce when he can't even make his child support payments}...I can't stay away.
Not that I want him back, believe me I do NOT.
But I just can't get over the fact still that after SEVEN years he just kicked us out.
Just woke up decided he was living a lie, and didn't want to do it anymore.
The problem is I was clueless.
I didn't realize we were lying...
Just like I didn't realize he was being unfaithful...
Because I wasn't doing either of those things.
Because I believed in the vows we spoke.
And because I loved my family & respected my husband.
Because I wasn't a douche bag
I'm so mad, I want him to feel the pain I feel
I want him to look at his baby and see all that he's given up
I want him to look at ME and realize he walked away from the only good thing he ever had in his life.
But I don't think that's gonna happen.
Any of it.
And I need to take my hand off my ass and stop hoping magically he's going to have a lightbulb moment.
There's nothin' going on in that head that doesn't serve The King.
He's a one man kind of guy...Himself.
The only person The King loves is The King.
He is incapable of even loving his own child and putting her first.
His day will come, but I don't think it will be soon.
It's so awful but I cannot wait for the day that he finally falls.
It happens to all the other good sociopaths {Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer}
So it's bound to happen to The King...
I'll be waiting.


Other then the lovely gift of Divorce Papers {the gift the just keeps on giving} from The King, we had a great Christmas.
Addy LOVED everything.
Totally got the Santa thing.
It was awesome.
I'll write about that this week, today I feel like having a pity party.
Deal With It.


  1. You know I've got your back here girl!...

    What you're feeling is COMPLETELY normal and like I've told you before, you're going to be better off in the end because you're going THROUGH these emotions instead of running from them. The only way out is through... and that's what you're doing. The hurt, the crying, the sadness... as hard as they are, they're all steps in your healing process. And yes, you will heal. It takes a long time, but you do. And you will, I promise.

    Do something for me this week, k? When you reach for the phone to call him? Don't. You're not going to get what you're looking for on the other end of that line. No matter what he says, it's not going to make you better. He could say he's sorry, it wouldn't be real... he could say he loves Addy and wants to be an amazing father... you'd know better. He could say he wants you back... you'd know that despite the hurt you're going through, that that life isn't for you and your precious baby girl anymore. There's absolutely nothing he can say that will take away your pain. Calling him is nothing but an attempt to keep that bond up between the two of you, no matter how broken it is. Yelling at him isn't going to change him, it's just going to give him more reason to think he has control over you. He doesn't, YOU DO. It hurts, and it's SO hard not to reach for that phone... but that person you're looking to talk to on the other end of the line? He's not there anymore. He's not that same man that he used to be.

    Oh and his karma? It may not be tomorrow, or next month, or even next year, but it will come. And as much as you're looking forward to it now? When it happens, you won't even care anymore... you'll just roll your eyes and thank God that this whole mess happened so that you didn't waste another seven years of your life with him. You got the best part of him in your little girl... you don't need or deserve anything else from him.

    Indulge in your pity party... we all have to go through it. And then when you get up, you WILL be a little bit stronger than you were yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.


    1. Wahh! I love you. That made me c r y. It's gotta get better. After yet another failure to show up to see addy, I'm just pissed. Mess with me fine, mess with her, I will stab you. I'm just hurt for her, I'm hurt for the disappointment she will feel in the years to come. I guess I need to look at it differently, I need to close the gate for her sake. If I don't talk to him then he doesn't get access to her. I want to protect her from this feeling in my heart for as long as I can. He is just not a healthy part of our life anymore! Thank you girl!

  2. Everything that I wanted to say, Erin already said beautifully! It is true. You may feel like you're not getting anywhere, or healing, but you are. It just takes time. It blows. But every single day you are getting stronger. You are the lucky one, Alexandra. You have sole custody, you get to make the rules on what is best for Addy. End of story.

    You can do this. Do not let him wiggle into your head and make you feel badly about yourself. You are strong, smart, determined, beautiful, a wonderful and loving mother... You've got this! Love you, sweet girl! xo

  3. Don't ever feel bad for having time to vent! Letting those emotions out is h-e-a-l-t-h-y!! I can't even imagine what you must be feeling and I don't even know the guy and I want to kick his a**!

  4. Vent away! This is your place, lady. And you are in control.

    PS- The NeNe video made the post. I love your sense of humor. :)

  5. Now close the gate and let Daddy handle him!!!! Dads got this my love !!!!!!