Monday, January 21, 2013

Forget. Forgive. Begin Again. And Again. And Again.

Today, I'm at work yes I blog from work duh when most of you are at home with your little bunnies who also are home today from school. I'm jealous, I miss my Addy bear. I feel like this weekend there was stiff competition between the two of us...who could throw more tantrums. I think I won. badmomoftheyearaward.

I've been stressed, really stressed. And feeling a little sad about The King. We've had to talk this week a little bit because I'm filing our taxes. Yes, I basically black mailed my way into being "allowed" to take over that task by threatening that I wouldn't give him my w-2's and file seperately, keeping him from getting all the stimulus' that we usually qualify for. Yah, I know, well played Al, Well.Played. Queen-1 King-0. Well maybe that's a conservitive score...The King is probably at what 5, 10, 20 by now, I don't even remember. But I do know that little shit is sneaky and he seems to have me fooled into forgiving him and forgetting the crappy crap he does. But reguardless Momma is finally on the board. Best part? He THINKS I'm going to keep his half, he's VERY nervous about it...I would never do that. ever. I play by the rules, I can be dirty, but I don't play dirty like The King. So, he will get his half, and I will feel even better that I didn't do something mean like him, eventhough I could if I really wanted to.

Anyways, I've been feeling nostalgic, guilty, sad, stressed, impatient, and I've cried more in the last seventy-two hours then I have since Christmas Eve when Adam served me with the papers. That's right, I made it a full four weeks with out crying. With out looking back. With out wondering what if. With out thinknig maybe, just maybe one day he will grow up and come back for his family. Did I do the right thing by choosing to walk away, or should I have tried harder? I asked my Mom that yesterday actually. She reminded me that I DID try everything, and I spent three weeks in my chair crying all day crippled by a broken heart and unable to parent my child effectively, becuase I was too worried about The King and if he would leave us. And guess what, he did. He didn't fight for us, he is not worthy. I need to remember the last day, as he jumped the fence like a lunatic with my phone to delete all the evidence I had of his relationship with B-dizle. The look on his face when he sat there in front of me as I asked "You are never going to give me what I want are you?" and he replied "I don't want more kids, and I don't believe in GOD." suckerpunchtothegut. holyshitballs. I just spent six years with the wrong man.

Our breif conversations about all things tax related, turned into late night texts about the future. His future. His life. The guilt he feels. It doesn't help that I was sent a message by a mutual friend this past week that was from The King saying that he was sorry he has let everyone down, he just couldn't do it anymore, and I was so much more then he ever deserved, that he always felt like he was holding me back. True on all accounts.

But the self loathing is getting old, though it get's me every time. My poor little baby who's favorite animal is a monkey, who had red spikes in his hair on the first day of sixth-grade, who's mom wouldn't let me speak to him on the phone when I called repeditely at the ripe age of thirteen, who would eat tacos for every meal,literally, who would watch stupid old movies on comedy central all day and laugh out loud freely the.entire.time. Who's arms I fell asleep in for the five years we shared a bed at night. Who I made a home and a child with, who I wanted to grow ould with and wanted to grow old with me...the boy who loved me. And who I still love. In his vaunerable moments he is still that boy, but he can be a real monster at the drop of a hat. I miss him this week, or rather I feel as though he is missing from me.

It's been a rough weekend. My saddness about The King has festered over into the rest of my days. Into my parenting. Into my being a member of my family. Into my motivation to work out, that would be zero. Maybe it's my heart hurting because I'm lonely. Maybe it's the fact that I'm oozing hormones & uterine lining this week. Maybe. But I am so very glad that tomorrow afternoon at 4 o'clock I start therapy. I've been putting it off for months years now because I wasn't ready to hear the truth...I'm ready now. I'm doing so well, almost an entire month with out walking around with tears around the brim of my green eyes. almost a month with out crying myself to sleep. almost a month with out feeling broken and alone. almost a month. And that is something to be proud of. That is sucess and that is progress. I look back at how far I've come the last almost four months, one-hundred-twenty plus days with out The King, and a lot of hell in between. And I'm moving forward.


  1. Love you sweet girl, the days will get better, I promise! xoxo

  2. I know I don’t know you in real life, but I suppose one’s blog is reflection of them even if in a small regard. You sound like a very strong individual and I think you sound like a wonderful mother. I am sending you a big hug via the internet.

  3. you are doing a great job and taking it one day at a time... we are all behind you 100% you are doing your best and your daughter will understand in the scheme of things!!! Keep up the fabulous work and work your ass off!

  4. Christmas Eve?????


    Hang in there!

  5. Just discovered your blog, and am so impressed with your candor and openess about your life. You are so young, and in the grand scheme of your life, I'm sure you'll look back at this time as a "blip" but that's all well and good that you WILL be better one doesn't help help with the crappy feelings TODAY! Thanks for being so open and sharing your life and know that people you don't even know are rooting for you!!


  6. I love your blog. You are so real, and the way you write is awesome (probably close to the way you talk). I'm sorry it's been a rough week for you, and I hope the next week is better!


  7. I'm at work too. Surely I cannot be at work reading your blog that you didn't write at work. Sorry you have to work today too.
    You are strong and you will make it through this. Sometimes it may not feel like it, but you will. You will survive. You will thrive. You have a lot of good years ahead of you, and this will make you stronger. I know today isn't the day, but that day will come.

  8. I'm so excited to hear that you are going to start therapy. I know that talking every thing out with my friends helped me TONS!!! it's okay to cry....there is NO SHAME in that game girlfriend! you loved him dearly, it's not easy to get over that...but keep in mind that you probably miss the person that you imagined him to be, not the person he actually was. and no matter how great he seems now, more than likely (like 900 times out of 10) he would end up being the exact same way...just try to remember the bad things, not the good things..that will keep you from missing him. Love ya! :)

  9. Oh wow, sweet girl, I am just now reading this. Been catching up today. Sometimes a good cry just helps. I used to put on sad movies sometimes when I just thought it would help to cry it out and I couldn't cry anymore tears over my ex. I also dealt with the guilt and regret texts from mine and I often thought of him as the man I wanted him to be, but after he felt guilty for what he had done, he just went back to being less that what I deserved time and time again. It took me a while to be strong, stand on my feet and never look back, but it was the best thing I ever did! Good luck to you! I will be thinking and praying for you.

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