When I left Arkansas I left everything, every material thing in that house. I left our wedding pictures, stuff I had gotten at flea markets, the pottery barn crib set and bedding in Addy's room that I spent months dreaming about and agonizing over, her tree mural on her wall. My bathroom which I loved, and my amazing bed. My rock wall we built together in 110* heat...My flower boxes Adam made me our first summer in Arkansas... my black amish star that I hung on the front of our house to protect us from evil {a lot of good that did}...my antique bird cage, and all my tj maxi finds, and I miss my damn flowers that he let die.
I didn't want any of it. Not one thing. I just wanted to get out of there, and quick before I changed my mind. Now I realize I miss that stuff. None of it had anything to do with The King...it was all stuff I found, stuff I loved, stuff that made me feel like I was home.
And I miss my freaking friends. Today I really feel robbed...I feel like we got married and moved away and my life got put on hold for Adam. I stopped school and had a baby for adam. I bought a house on my own during Adam's first deployment, for Adam. I sacrificed my happiness every day to make life easier for The King, for Adam. And finally I went home, with my dignity still intact, for Adam.
I am so sad, and lonely. And I just wish I would have realized 7 years ago that he would never be anything more then that little punk in the silver celica. And I would always be the girl he always wanted but was never good enough for...until he didn't want me. Until he decided he was done having a family...until he decided he just didn't feel the same anymore...until he wanted to go off and get a girlfriend.
I think now how Addy will be SIX before I'm done with college, and that is IF I pass everything, and get into the program the first try. IF. I just wish I married a man who was worth all the work I put into our marriage, and I just wish maybe I would've been smart enough to see past his handsome little brown face.
I thank God every day that my little munchkin doesn't look a dang thing like him.
{that would just be too painful}
I thank God everyday that Addy doesn't know what the hurt he caused me looked like
{and she never will}
I thank God every day for this horrible heart break
{because I'm young, I can start over}
I thank God every day that I keep moving every day
{even if inside I'm crying in the bathtub, I still get up and go on}
I thank God every day for the family I have
{I am so lucky I had a home to land in}
I thank God every day for this lesson
{because I know I will learn something out of all this mess}
And I thank God everyday for the beautiful future he has planned for Addy and Me.
I feel like I ignored all the signs the first time around, and this time I'm going to let go and let God...
What would have {could have} been, doesn't really matter now
There are better things out there for us
And I cannot wait to experience them with my Lady Bug.
Adam may have all my stuff
But I have the only thing that matters...
The only good thing that came out of our marriage
The most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.
She's mine all mine....
Ugh. What a beautiful post. <3
ReplyDeleteI just started reading your blog so I don't know any background, but I hope things get better for you! Cheer up, friend! You're so right too, you have everything you need! Stuff can be replaced, and everything you need is with you.
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong to see positive in all of this. SO strong. And you are so right. You have your girl. And she is a lucky girl.
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up, Alexandra. You are strong, independent, and all of that stuff can be replaced. Go out and buy that damn star. Get the cry out, take a hot shower, and be proud of yourself. :)
ReplyDeleteI think at some point they are all "little punks in silver celica's"! Keep doing your best and raising your child. God doesn't bring us this far to leave us!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have to go through this. But it will be all for the best later down the road. <3 Keep your head up!
ReplyDeleteI have been down a road so similar to yours I can cry real tears for you. People always say take it day by day. Girl it's minute by minute. Feel free to email me ANYTIME you need to talk or someone to listen! Xoxo
ReplyDeletevery beautiful post!!! very heart felt!! God makes you stronger and does things in mysterious ways. We are all here cheering you on and are here to support you...(maybe set out a hit or two along the way ;) ) haha!! but serious, you are doing wonders and your daughter will be grateful for everything! Being a single parent is not EASY..(I'm one as well) but with your families support you can move mountains!! YOU GO GIRL!
ReplyDeleteOMGGGGG THIS MADE ME SO SAD!!! I love you!!! I am so proud of you... you and Addy are so special and one day he will realize that... but guess what??? IT WILL BE TOO FUCKING LATE... xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you Alexandra. You are so, so, so strong. You are much stronger than you know. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You deserve to be the Queen. With Adam you would have never been as happy as you could be. And I agree with Holly! Slowly start buying little things here and there that make YOU happy!
ReplyDeleteYou are a very strong woman and I'm so glad you can look at things and see the most important things and be thankful for them. You are very lucky to have the family and home to go back to. Things will look better and you will replace those missing items with things that make you even happier.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, hope it's a happier day!
Oh honey I am so sorry you are having a bad day. There is nothing easy about your situation and I know first hand how strong you have to be to deal with it. I am a single mom too and we are strong women. I just want you to know that there is no need to ever feel like you are alone with this. There are so many other women going through the same thing. I went through it and luckily have a great supportive boyfriend now who loves me and my girls and I am so lucky to have him. BUT I do believe (even though it sucks) we go through everything for a reason. Everything is a lesson and sometimes they are very hard ones. I know I would not appreciate the man that I have now if I had not deal with a bunch of assholes before him. As for school....please. I am 35 and still trying to finish up. My girls will be 16 & 18 when I am done. I started having babies when I was young and completely ignored school and am paying the price now. Just don't feel discouraged and know that now everything you are doing is for you and Addy....not the King or anyone else. You are able to do what you want to do and focus on you and her.
ReplyDeleteI have a vague memory of what you're feeling. When B was 5 or 6 months old I found out his dad was cheating on me with a women who was his mom's age. I was devastated. He locked me out of the house and left me with nothing. He even hid B from me for the night (worst night of my life!) Almost 5 years later, I'm the happiest girl on the block. It was so hard at the time to see this was a good thing. Like you, I put everything on hold for him. I didn't take my FULL scholarship to Baylor to go to uta with, I didn't travel abroad to Italy because he couldnt promise he wouldn't cheat (uh, red flag!), I moved in with him when I should've moved back in with my bff. I quit a job I loved so he could move up (same company) only to find out they would've still moved him up with me working there. He wanted me out because several ofvthe girls he cheated on me with worked there. Anyways, I got the best of him and that's all that matters. An added plus, I have a husband who he could never ever even begin to live up to. You'll get there hun. You're going to wake up one day and not think about it and not want to cry or your tummy in knots. Just be strong for a little while and the rest will fall in place and you won't have to force the strong anymore :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know you too well, but I do read your blog daily. I have to say that I am inspired by how strong you truly are. Yes, you have bad days, but it takes a strong woman to leave a situation like that. It is not easy. I've been there, but in my situation, I was pretty much forced to leave, because the house wasn't mine (he had bought it with a previous girlfriend...lovely). But looking back, like you, I realize it was such a blessing. Thank God I got away from that situation, because who knows what else I would have had to go through. We all have bad days, and you are allowed to have bad days. It's these days that make us stronger. Keep on keeping on girl!
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely a STRONG woman! You left a situation that was not good and moved back home which was how many states away? That takes a lot of courage and guts. You will miss those things you left behind, but you are building a life now that is healthier for you and Addy. Just thank God for the things you do have.
ReplyDeleteYou will do great in school and finish because that seems to be the type of person you are (from what I have read).
I'm a new follower, but from what I can see you did the best thing you could do for yourself and your baby. It was probably the hardest thing to do, and you did it--you got out of the situation. Be proud of yourself. The material things can be replaced, and you have a beautiful baby to enjoy every day! Keep your chin up, girl. You're doing an amazing job.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling better today. You have every right to feel those horrible feelings you did last night... you have to feel those things in order to move on. I'm so proud of you... I know it's not fun to go through but you're doing it the right way and you WILL come out whole on the other side! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm a little late reading this but thanks for making me tear up at my desk at work! This post brought back so many memories. Can I just please tell you that I have been EXACTLY where you are. EXACTLY. I lived in my mom's house with my two kids. and felt like a loser. I was lonely and sad and broke. and I left 95% of my stuff with the ex. I had to start over completely. But can I just tell you, that it was all TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!! I finished school and you will too. I bought a house ON MY OWN and I found a man that was TEN TIMES BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE. You will too. Hang in there, don't give up, and if you ever need someone to talk to, let me know! :)
ReplyDeleteYou will survive and be a better You because of it. Addy is so, so blessed to have such a strong Mama who loves her so much. ...and it's ok to not be ok sometimes. The bathtub is one of my favorite places to let it all out, do it, you'll feel bad for a little while but better in the long run. Things can be replaced, no matter how much you miss them there's more stuff out there in the world and as nice as your things were, they'd probably just come along with endless memories of your relationship that's ended. After I finished reading your post a certain scripture came to mind and I'll be praying this for you "She is clothed in STRENGTH and DIGNITY and laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25. You'll be ok.
ReplyDeletethat is actually going on my ribs {once I have abs again} "Strength & Dignity" with "proverbs 31:25" under it <3 love love love!
DeleteI am in tears over the post! It's so brave of you to be so very honest. I hope you're feeling better today and just know you will find sunshine and daisies at the end of your rainbow :) You are going to be so happy you left that "stuff" behind :)
ReplyDeleteGirl, every post I read makes me wanna hug you and buy you a drink! lol. im sorry i have nothing helpful to add but just wanna say that you every right to be mad/upset about what was done to you no matter what good things you do have.
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up and keep those positive thoughts even on the hard days. I was in your shoes not that long ago. And I think my friend Lora summed up a lot of the feelings in her post today. At once point I felt like just a shell of a person. But over time I started feeling better, doing better, making changes, etc. My daughter is what kept me going. The quality time we spent together was priceless. You are an awesome person and one day the sad feelings will feel like they are a lifetime away.
ReplyDeleteI'm a new follower and this was such a powerful post! Keep your head up - you sound like a good, strong woman. Sending you hugs!
ReplyDeleteI don't even know you. I found your post thru Lora's (Raising Steppe Sisters) blog. Thank you for the brutal honesty! That is what will help you get through. The fact that you are facing it head on and actually dealing with it instead of keeping it inside just shows how brave you are and that you are strong enough to make it through!
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