Words how little they mean when they're a little too late.

I am a sucker for all things alternative or punk rock music.I remember being twelve shut in my room illegally downloading all kinds of music from bands no one had ever heard of. Lately I have been in a funk. I have spent the last two weeks living with the sounds of Mumford & Sons and Eddie Vedder swirrling around in my head.

Last week some of you may know I started therapy. I can already tell it is the best investment I will ever make. Those of you have been know the first session is a get to know you type thing...In that one hour I think I learned more about where I am at and where I need to be then I could have figured out myself in years. I am a serial over-reactor. Not in a bad way, okay in a bad way sometimes. I give everything my whole heart, and I really get hurt when someone gets upset, or something doesn't go the way I plan. So yah, maybe I'm a bit of a control freak too...okay okay total control freak. But that's only because I've been taking care of a narcasistic man child for the last six years.

My therapist, let's call her PJ asked me two questions last week that have hung in my head and laid heavy on my heart every second of every day for the past six days. The first being, "So you're getting a divorce? Do you want a divorce?". Honestly, the answer to that one is a big fat en-oh. Absolutely not. Do I think our marriage is salvagable after all we've been through, yah actually I do. But I also know that I will never move back to Arkansas to be with The King, and I won't stop doing what I'm doing to put my life on the back burner for him e v e r again. Another thing I know is that one lie, that one decision, that one choice he made, it ruined our marriage. And not because I let it, because he did. I forgave him before he even told me, I already knew and was just waiting for him to come clean. In that week of hell, waiting for him to tell me I prayed and I waited. I prayed for GOD to show me his purpose in this lesson, in this hurt. And I prayed for strength to do what was right, to follow his plan for me. Three weeks and a whole lot of tears and crazy later I was packing anything I deemed important my "life" into a u-haul trailer.

Nearly five months later I heard the words I had been waiting to hear all along. "I don't want a divorce, I just didn't think there was a choice. I runied everything." I have been waiting to hear those first five words since the day I found out about Bethany. Five months later they just don't have the same effect to them that I was expecting them to have. Somehow those five simple words that should have been so easy to say, weren't for The King. How many times does he deserve another chance? How many? I expected to feel such joy when he spoke those words, if he ever admitted it. But I didn't. I cried, because I was pissed. Really really really pissed. "Words how little they mean, when they're a little too late." Amen Taylor, Amen.

The other thing PJ asked me is how I felt about myself. I answered with okay really, I'm going to start classes, I'm just trying to keep moving. Then she asked me what the first word was that came to mind when I thought of myself. Withough hesitation I blurted out "shame, I feel ashamed." I feel like it's my fault my marriage failed. I feel like no man is going to want to love me, a woman who let her marriage fall apart, who's husband turned away from her June Cleaver perfect wife, perfectionist control freak ways, for another pierced tatooed, bleach blonde little girl who embodied everything that I was not. I lost my husband. I fell like I owe some sort of explanation to everyone I see while I push the cart, or hold Addy's hand through the mall with no ring on my finger...but the tan lines, calluses, and smoother skin in the width of those two bands is still fresh. I f a i l e d. I wasn't enough. That sucks.

I've made the decision with a little encouragement from my parents to drop all of my classes and start fresh in the fall. I think it's the best decision, I know I realistically couldn't give the proper effort to any amount of classes rite now. I'm struggling just to parent Addy, sort my feelings, and keep it together until seven everynight when she goes to bed so that I can fall apart if I need to. Yesterday we both had a really rough day, on more then one occasion we ended up both in tears, her sitting on my lap with her little arms around my neck...

"Where you invest your love,
You invest your life"
I want to spend the next eight months before the fall semester starts invested in myself, healing my heart, and moving forward with or with out The King in our lives. And truly being secure in that. I want to invest the next eight months in my family & friends who have given me so much over the years. I want to invest the next eight months in GOD, my father and personal savior who I have set to the side the last six or so years spent with The King. Most of all I want to invest these next eight months in my Adaline. She will be three in less then five months...THREE. I can hardly believe it. These days are so precious, and this last six months have gone by in a blur. It's a struggle every day for the two of us to find our rythm...we need to settle in, and then I can begin building our life. With or with out her father.