Monday, January 28, 2013

Words how little they mean when they're a little too late.

I am a sucker for all things alternative or punk rock music.I remember being twelve shut in my room illegally downloading all kinds of music from bands no one had ever heard of. Lately I have been in a funk. I have spent the last two weeks living with the sounds of Mumford & Sons and Eddie Vedder swirrling around in my head.

Last week some of you may know I started therapy. I can already tell it is the best investment I will ever make. Those of you have been know the first session is a get to know you type thing...In that one hour I think I learned more about where I am at and where I need to be then I could have figured out myself in years. I am a serial over-reactor. Not in a bad way, okay in a bad way sometimes. I give everything my whole heart, and I really get hurt when someone gets upset, or something doesn't go the way I plan. So yah, maybe I'm a bit of a control freak too...okay okay total control freak. But that's only because I've been taking care of a narcasistic man child for the last six years.

My therapist, let's call her PJ asked me two questions last week that have hung in my head and laid heavy on my heart every second of every day for the past six days. The first being, "So you're getting a divorce? Do you want a divorce?". Honestly, the answer to that one is a big fat en-oh. Absolutely not. Do I think our marriage is salvagable after all we've been through, yah actually I do. But I also know that I will never move back to Arkansas to be with The King, and I won't stop doing what I'm doing to put my life on the back burner for him e v e r again. Another thing I know is that one lie, that one decision, that one choice he made, it ruined our marriage. And not because I let it, because he did. I forgave him before he even told me, I already knew and was just waiting for him to come clean. In that week of hell, waiting for him to tell me I prayed and I waited. I prayed for GOD to show me his purpose in this lesson, in this hurt. And I prayed for strength to do what was right, to follow his plan for me. Three weeks and a whole lot of tears and crazy later I was packing anything I deemed important my "life" into a u-haul trailer.

Nearly five months later I heard the words I had been waiting to hear all along. "I don't want a divorce, I just didn't think there was a choice. I runied everything." I have been waiting to hear those first five words since the day I found out about Bethany. Five months later they just don't have the same effect to them that I was expecting them to have. Somehow those five simple words that should have been so easy to say, weren't for The King. How many times does he deserve another chance? How many? I expected to feel such joy when he spoke those words, if he ever admitted it. But I didn't. I cried, because I was pissed. Really really really pissed. "Words how little they mean, when they're a little too late." Amen Taylor, Amen.

The other thing PJ asked me is how I felt about myself. I answered with okay really, I'm going to start classes, I'm just trying to keep moving. Then she asked me what the first word was that came to mind when I thought of myself. Withough hesitation I blurted out "shame, I feel ashamed." I feel like it's my fault my marriage failed. I feel like no man is going to want to love me, a woman who let her marriage fall apart, who's husband turned away from her June Cleaver perfect wife, perfectionist control freak ways, for another pierced tatooed, bleach blonde little girl who embodied everything that I was not. I lost my husband. I fell like I owe some sort of explanation to everyone I see while I push the cart, or hold Addy's hand through the mall with no ring on my finger...but the tan lines, calluses, and smoother skin in the width of those two bands is still fresh. I f a i l e d. I wasn't enough. That sucks.

I've made the decision with a little encouragement from my parents to drop all of my classes and start fresh in the fall. I think it's the best decision, I know I realistically couldn't give the proper effort to any amount of classes rite now. I'm struggling just to parent Addy, sort my feelings, and keep it together until seven everynight when she goes to bed so that I can fall apart if I need to. Yesterday we both had a really rough day, on more then one occasion we ended up both in tears, her sitting on my lap with her little arms around my neck...

"Where you invest your love,
You invest your life"

I want to spend the next eight months before the fall semester starts invested in myself, healing my heart, and moving forward with or with out The King in our lives. And truly being secure in that. I want to invest the next eight months in my family & friends who have given me so much over the years. I want to invest the next eight months in GOD, my father and personal savior who I have set to the side the last six or so years spent with The King. Most of all I want to invest these next eight months in my Adaline. She will be three in less then five months...THREE. I can hardly believe it. These days are so precious, and this last six months have gone by in a blur. It's a struggle every day for the two of us to find our rythm...we need to settle in, and then I can begin building our life. With or with out her father.


  1. Such a beautiful post Alex! I think it is such a brave and smart decision to hold off until the fall for your classes. It is a wonderful sign of how self-aware you are to know that you need this time to take care of YOU! As a social worker, I know how amazing therapy can be. I went to therapy after my dad had an affair and my parents divorced-- best thing I ever did. My therapist recommended a book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. Best. Book. Ever. You should check it out. I will pray for you and your sweet daughter and I can't wait to see what these next few months hold for you!! Also, YOU are not responsible for your marriage ending. Your ex broke the covenant that you both made to each other.

  2. That takes so much courage & being brave to admit you're not ready to put forth a huge effort for school. So many would just half ass it and be pissed latet. Ps. You should so not be ashamed, you did not fail..that jack ass did.

  3. I'm a new follower of your blog and I must say I have enjoyed reading every one of your posts (even though some made my eyes water). As much as you have gone through you still write with such of a positive attitude. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful and is so lucky to have you and she will appreciate it SO MUCH when she gets older.
    Steph @

  4. This made me cry! My fiance and I just recently broke up after losing a child and not being able to keep it together. I felt ashamed and horrible about myself, but came to the conclusion that things happen for a reason....even if it is a shitty reason. I know that I am worth it and someday a man will show me that but for now I am doing me! Keep your head up!! There is always sunshine after the rain:)

  5. I am also a new follower to your blog. I love reading your story. I know its hard to beleive that things will get better but they eventually will. At least your daughter has you and your setting an amazing example for her. Sometimes we get caught up in trying to do everything that we forget to slow down and take care of yourselves first. You go girl!
    kadi @

  6. You are so brave, and so strong. Keep your chin up and keep doin you, you deserve it after what you have been through. Keep on, keepin on tough girl :)

  7. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have the rug pulled out from under you like this and then be forced with such hard decisions and a little one to look after. I hope you're able to get everything you need in these next 8 months and can move forward and truly be happy!

  8. you are a very strong woman! your daughter is so lucky to have you and you are a wonderful role model for her. keep your head up. there is a lot of life left to live!

    -lisa @

  9. This post is totally real and many women feel this way....I have recently patched things up with my husband after a similar situation I have thought about blogging it but haven't been sure yet...

  10. wow, I'm so impressed with your candor and honesty! Your parents sound amazing, giving you the time you need to focus on yourself and your little girl. Yay you for sharing!

  11. Hey lady! I'm a totally new follower of yours. This post hits home.

    My new friend, I too am going through a divorce. I got married in April of last year and he left me in July. I was completely crushed. I believe in marriage for time and ALL eternity and he said he did too. The lies that came shuffling in after he left have been numerous. Though he did not cheat on me as yours did, I too can feel the pain that you described as "I wasn't enough". We waited until after we were married for intimacy and I feel like he's all "Welp, I got what I wanted and you know what?? ehhh, not for me. I'm done." He threw me aside. He wouldn't do counseling, nothing. Completely changed. The divorce is lasting longer than the marriage ever did due to him dragging it out.

    I guess why I shared of all that is so you can know that, though I just met you, I am here for you. How strong you must be to be taking care of your child on top of all of this. I could not do that...heck, I had to quit my job because of nervous breakdown(s).

    You keep trucking along and remember...even a crumpled up dollar bill still has it's full worth. :) We got this, girl. However, long it takes...WE didn't fail.

    --Melissa @