Thursday, January 31, 2013

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant

An elephant's faithful one hundred percent


As the months have gone by since my world came crashing down in late August. Some credit is owed to this little bloggy blog and all my bloggy friends {because you rock my world and lift me up when I need it} just being able to write it down makes it real. I start writing and by the time I'm done the world makes just a little more sense. Part of it is also finding joy and strength in being alone. In doing what I like, when I like not having to ask The King. Most recently my self-awareness can be credited to my wonderful therapist PJ.

Now I'm pretty sure in the two hours I have spent with her I have learned more about myself then ever. I'm a stuffer, and no I don't just mean stuffing my face hole I mean like the big stuff that happens, and even the little stuff...I have this little switch. The Sunshine Switch that bitch something horrible can happen, absolutely awful, like picking up Adam's phone to see a text message that said "I miss your amazing sex" and then seeing it wasn't from me...dying on the inside then going on about my day like nothing ever happened. Singing Adaline "you are my sunshine" with Adam, then ending the night by the fire with some wine and snuggling, all the while completely forgetting what I saw a few hours earlier. whatthefuckingfuckiswrongwithme? I've been like this for as long as I can remember, when PJ and I had our first appointment and we did the whole start from when you were ten thing...I was dying and so was she. To say we have had a lot of drama is an understatement...I've been conditioned to just go with the flow and adapt. Which is good, in that I could have gone to hot topic, bought those gawd awful pants, pierced my face and listened to death metal...but I didn't.

In my adult life that adaptive trait, particularly in this whole shitshowdivorcedramabullshit, isn't a good thing. Hmm. For at least the last three years I have been accepting less from The King then what I really wanted. Any bit of anything was better then nothing, and I found sparkle in every bad day. Good Quality or Bad Quality...bad, very very bad. In the last five months I've given him full access to Addy, and to me whenever he wants it, however he wants it. Because anything is better then nothing rite? W.R.O.N.G

Is it helpful or is it harmful....

What do I want? I want Adam to be our DaDa. I want him to be my husband, and to be Adaline's father. He won't ever be able to give me that. Because he doesn't want to? Maybe. Because he mentally cannot commit himself? Probably. Because he's an all around douche with really bad behavior, who treats everyone around him as if they are lucky to be in his presence. Most Definitely.

Our having a friendship like The King wants is absolutely pointless and harmful. It doesn't serve anyone besides him, because he can feel a little better about himself because well he's "still my friend" and he's still "in our life" he's "trying" fuckthatshit. Who does that benefit, Addy and I or does it benefit him?!?

I've set a boundary with The King, February is going to be a King free month. Talk to you in March dude. I meant what I said and I said what I meant. If he isn't going to be in our lives under my terms then he is simply not in our lives...after all The Queen does have full custody. I call the shots. The healthiest three weeks I have had in these last five months were the three weeks between Christmas Eve {when I got served divorce papers} and mid-January when Adam was out of the country. I found the energy to exercise, I was a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend...I wasn't emotionally eating, I wasn't walking around with mascara constantly staining my face. I wasn't day dreaming about hiding under the covers with a bowl full of pasta with butter and extra cheese with a side of birthday cake and tequila...Our life is better when Adam is MIA. I will probably need to read this post every day for the next week month three months hundred years but eventually it's going to click. It's got to rite. One day I am going to pick up the phone and I'm not even going to have to convince myself to put it down, not to talk to The King. One day he truly with be a nonmotherfuckingfactor {shameless basketball wives reference}

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.
I set a boundary to protect my heart, and Addy's.
It's over, because I want it to be

15 comments:

  1. I am so happy to read this and so proud of you for feeling this way!! xoxo

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  2. Great job girl! Last August I got out of a 5 year relationship and it is so so hard. Once you learn to let go, that what was never will be again you can finally gain control of your life and give yourself what YOU need. THis is YOU time girl. TO be the the best mom and person you can be! YOU DESERVE IT!

    I love this quote and it's helped me in a lot of ways...“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”

    You'll get there girl look how far you've come, great job! :)

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  3. So proud of you lady. So so proud.

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  4. So proud you! Good for you for taking control and getting your life back! He has taken too much from you already and he doesn't deserve another second of your time. :)

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  5. I'm gonna rewind to the 90s real quick to say "YOU GO GIRL!" Seriously, you sound great and strong and like The Queen of the freaking world. Stay strong! :)

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  6. YES! Dethrone that jack-hole!

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  7. You can and you will do this!
    For you.
    For Addy.
    You deserve better than what it sounds "The king" gives/gave.
    Think of what you deserve and believe that.
    And let that help you in your disconnect from him.
    He's shit. You're awesome!!
    We're all here for you, lady!

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  8. You can do it! Be strong! Way to be!

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  9. Hell yes! Right on!!!!!! I'm proud of you....eff that A hole!

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  10. You are so strong! You are doing amazing and things will only get better!

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  11. Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make
    your point. You obviously know what youre talking about,
    why waste your intelligence on just posting videos to your blog when
    you could be giving us something enlightening to read?

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    ReplyDelete