Friday, November 30, 2012

Friday is My Second Favorite F Word...

This week has been interesting, and I am beyond relieved Friday has come.
I have been sicker then a dog all week, I finally have enough sudafedrine in my body to make a methhead jealous
I'm beginning to feel pretty good...{score}
I plan to spend tonight with the Divas && Momma needs a freakin' drannnkkk
Afterall there is so much to celebrate.
I can honestly say for the first time in a long time I am proud to say...
"I am not with stupid cheating, no good, lying, psyco anymore"

Yes tonight, and every day from here forward I will be doing that dance.
And secretly imagining wearing that shirt...
Every freaking day for the rest of my life.
I know I should have realized the day I caught Adam The Devil cheating on my I should have been doing that dance.
But the truth is {and I'm not proud to say it} I wasn't.
No matter how big of a psycopath he may be, he's still my Adam, the guy I fell in love with is still in there some where...
WAKE UP CALL SISTA He's not in there anymore, he's gone & you should be bowing down and kissing the ground thanking Lucifer that Adam fell victim to his un-godly desires, and fucked fell in love with another woman.
Because that sets you free...
You don't have to be the bad guy for leaving simply because he was insane.
Or you didn't love him anymore.
Or you couldn't take one more fight.
Or you couldn't be blamed for one more thing.
Or you couldn't tolerate one more deployment.
Or you couldn't bear the thought of untangling his underwear from the covers..
just one.more.time
Or because you hated him. You grew to hate him..
&& you let yourself feel guilty for that.
You don't have to feel any guilt for your decision.
Afterall YOU did what any woman with half a brain would do.
You packed your crap, picked up your princess, and RAN as fast as you could away from that shitshow.

Now I have been talking to Adam most every day since the day I left. I just wanted my family back, I couldn't believe he was really willing to leave US {Addy and I}. And I'm not proud to admit it but I begged him to let us come home once, twice, about a hundred times.
Apparently the text messages he continued to send "his sandia" yes, he really had a nick name for the dirty skank, it means watermellon in spanish, also is the name of a mountain range in New Mexico...that they hiked while on thier little romantic trip together..
didn't convince me he was not worth it.
Apparently him returning red box movies just to use McDonald's wifi to talk to her {and leaving the redbox movie he was "returning" on the kitchen table}
didn't convince me he was not worth it.
Apparently the first time he hit me when I was pregnant with Addy
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.
Apparently the fact that he never felt our child kick in my stomach
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.
Apparently the fact that he never ever ever got up at night to change a diaper so I could rest and heal
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.
Apparently the fact that nomatter what I did right, he would always be the first to point out that one thing I did wrong
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.
Apparently the constant control and verbal abuse
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.
Apparently the divorce party he and his friends threw the weekend I left {complete with "Fuck Bitches Get Money T-Shirts, nasty girls from Bdubs recruited simply for the fact that they were a sure thing, a divorce cake, and a blow job chart}
didn't convince me he wasn't worth it.

BUT this week I didn't talk to him one bit, finally!
And I feel stronger then ever, and confident in my decision.
Finally I realize he wasn't worth it...ever.
But with out his sperm I wouldn't have the most beautiful thing I have ever had in my entire life...
My Addy.
And she always will be.
Because his stupid ass doesn't want her.
Because his selfish ass traded my giving up spousal support in favor of full custody with no visitation rights with out even as much as a blink of his pretty long eyelashes.

And last night when he texted me to ask when I planned on filing the divorce papers...
And I happened to leave out the fact that I couldn't legally file for a year...
I asked him why it mattered...did he plan on marrying that homewrecking whore, or moving her into my house {maybe she could use Addy's crib for their filthy child to sleep in}...
He said no {I don't believe him}
And he also said he planned on filing for divorce in Arkansas
Now the little shit doesn't have the money to pay his full child support amount
BUT he has the money to file for divorce {he's a winner I know}
Not to mention it's a complete waste of money because we are already legally seperated in the beautiful state of new york...
Where there is no sympathy for men who walk away from their families...
And decide not to pay child support.
I realized after he bagered me for at least 45 minutes...
That he is infact the dumbest person I have ever laid eyes on.
That he is a LOOSER
That he is a LIAR
That he doesn't care about Me or Addy, he only cares about himself
That he is a control freak who couldn't stand 5 days of me ignoring him
That he tries to control, threaten, and bully me {on a regular basis} and I never even realized it

Life will go on.
Adam will one day just be the man who fathered my child.
Nothing more.
He will be in our past, and no longer in our lives.
And I cannot wait for that day to come.
Only 9 months...and counting...
Tonight I'm celebrating, I'm happy to be single {if it means not having to deal with that psyco one more day of my life}, I'm happy I have such amazing friends & family, I'm happy I have such a beautiful, smart, funny child, I am happy I was strong enough to leave, I am HAPPY to be starting over. I have so much to celebrate, and so much to be thankful for. And today I can honestly say I finally see my marriage to that horrible man for what it was, and see him for who he really is. The veil has been lifted, and I am ready to enjoy my life...WITH OUT HIM.


  1. I feel you on the sickness thing... I've been battling it all week and am SO over feeling like crap!

    Girl I've been where you are and it's not an easy place to be. It sounds like you're making good progress and trust me when I tell you, one day you'll look back and thank that girl for helping to get Adam out of your life! He will do to her the same things he did to you. Concentrate on YOU and that beautiful little girl of yours... whether Adam marries this new girl or not, whether she moves into that house or not, none of that is a part of your life anymore. That's his life, not yours... you need to separate from it. You've got your new life and it sounds like you're doing an amazing job!

    Sorry for rambling... I could go on and on, only because I've been there! You're strong and everything is going to turn out absolutely amazingly, I promise! xoxo

    1. Thanks Girl. I finally think I'm at a point where the lines that seperate his life from mine aren't blurred anymore. I'm just thankful he's not part of our every day anymore, and that he will never get the chance to hurt my little bear. I'm really glad he cheated honestly, and glad I left when I did, she barely asks for him, and hopefully she will never remember the craziness that was her life her first two years! Only positive people allowed in our life from now on...gotta protect my most precious!

  2. Gosh, I saw a lot of myself in this post. I haven't gotten married yet (probably a good thing), but I have had relationships with men just like this. In fact, I believe I'm in one with a man like that right now. It's so hard to find the strength to just leave and not care. I'm working on it. Good for are finally free! Must be a great feeling!

    1. It sucks to leave, you have to really just not even think about what you are actually doing...till after you do it. Then you can fall apart and then start over! It is a great feeling to do it on your own...most of the time! But it always helps when you realize you are free from the evil that you were once a prisoner of.

  3. Well I might have most definitely just read you entire blog. I love your wit! I know what you're going through is hard and I can't even imagine the day to day struggle but let me just say you're doing the right thing. My dad was the same way it seems Adam is and my mom "stuck it out" for the kids and then when I was 14 all hell broke lose and we were all stuck in the middle of a very ugly divorce. It was really, really hard on me and I didn't speak to my dad for 6 years. I hope that you can find peace and it seems you're getting better. I love you blog! Check mine out :)

  4. Girl we could have been married to the same exact man. Almost word for freakin word. I left him when my daughter was a year old for all the exact same reasons. Cheated, lied, abused. We've been divorced for 8 years now, he never sees our child and I wouldnt have it any other way. She is MINE. And shes happy, well adjusted and honestly my best friend. It gets better, and youre headed in the right direction.