I meant what I said, and I said what I meant

An elephant's faithful one hundred percent

As the months have gone by since my world came crashing down in late August. Some credit is owed to this little bloggy blog and all my bloggy friends {because you rock my world and lift me up when I need it} just being able to write it down makes it real. I start writing and by the time I'm done the world makes just a little more sense. Part of it is also finding joy and strength in being alone. In doing what I like, when I like not having to ask The King. Most recently my self-awareness can be credited to my wonderful therapist PJ.

Now I'm pretty sure in the two hours I have spent with her I have learned more about myself then ever. I'm a stuffer, and no I don't just mean stuffing my face hole I mean like the big stuff that happens, and even the little stuff...I have this little switch. The Sunshine Switch that bitch something horrible can happen, absolutely awful, like picking up Adam's phone to see a text message that said "I miss your amazing sex" and then seeing it wasn't from me...dying on the inside then going on about my day like nothing ever happened. Singing Adaline "you are my sunshine" with Adam, then ending the night by the fire with some wine and snuggling, all the while completely forgetting what I saw a few hours earlier. whatthefuckingfuckiswrongwithme? I've been like this for as long as I can remember, when PJ and I had our first appointment and we did the whole start from when you were ten thing...I was dying and so was she. To say we have had a lot of drama is an understatement...I've been conditioned to just go with the flow and adapt. Which is good, in that I could have gone to hot topic, bought those gawd awful pants, pierced my face and listened to death metal...but I didn't.

In my adult life that adaptive trait, particularly in this whole shitshowdivorcedramabullshit, isn't a good thing. Hmm. For at least the last three years I have been accepting less from The King then what I really wanted. Any bit of anything was better then nothing, and I found sparkle in every bad day. Good Quality or Bad Quality...bad, very very bad. In the last five months I've given him full access to Addy, and to me whenever he wants it, however he wants it. Because anything is better then nothing rite? W.R.O.N.G

Is it helpful or is it harmful....

What do I want? I want Adam to be our DaDa. I want him to be my husband, and to be Adaline's father. He won't ever be able to give me that. Because he doesn't want to? Maybe. Because he mentally cannot commit himself? Probably. Because he's an all around douche with really bad behavior, who treats everyone around him as if they are lucky to be in his presence. Most Definitely.

Our having a friendship like The King wants is absolutely pointless and harmful. It doesn't serve anyone besides him, because he can feel a little better about himself because well he's "still my friend" and he's still "in our life" he's "trying" fuckthatshit. Who does that benefit, Addy and I or does it benefit him?!?

I've set a boundary with The King, February is going to be a King free month. Talk to you in March dude. I meant what I said and I said what I meant. If he isn't going to be in our lives under my terms then he is simply not in our lives...after all The Queen does have full custody. I call the shots. The healthiest three weeks I have had in these last five months were the three weeks between Christmas Eve {when I got served divorce papers} and mid-January when Adam was out of the country. I found the energy to exercise, I was a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend...I wasn't emotionally eating, I wasn't walking around with mascara constantly staining my face. I wasn't day dreaming about hiding under the covers with a bowl full of pasta with butter and extra cheese with a side of birthday cake and tequila...Our life is better when Adam is MIA. I will probably need to read this post every day for the next week month three months hundred years but eventually it's going to click. It's got to rite. One day I am going to pick up the phone and I'm not even going to have to convince myself to put it down, not to talk to The King. One day he truly with be a nonmotherfuckingfactor {shameless basketball wives reference}

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.
I set a boundary to protect my heart, and Addy's.
It's over, because I want it to be

Weigh In Wednesday #5

Wednesday...Really?
Does today feel like a Monday to anyone else? ICK.
Well this morning I weighed in at 190.
So that means I lost all my PMS weight, plus one pound.
How that happened I have no idea.
I didn't exercise once, but I did still eat well.
I think sometimes our body needs a break.
Addy stayed up later this past week, it's been a two hour process getting her to bed every night.
By 9pm when she finally is quiet the last thing I want to do is spend an hour with Peder getting sweaty...
Well I would, but not if there are weights and three sports bras involved.
This week I need to find time to fit it all in, Really!
Though I technically lost 5 pounds this week I still feel like complete c r a p.

<p align="center"><a href="http:/ /www.shesabigstar.com/"><img src="http://i1191.photobucket.com/albums/z468/suit1/ WeighIn1_zps284dd2e2.png" alt="button" width="363" height="489" /></a></p>

Today I want to touch a little on alcohol and weight loss.
The two do not mix.
{{Unless your Mrs. Mustache, I don't know how that bizz does it}}
Yes I am guilty of "saving" calories for a few drinks...
But it's just not a good idea and certainly doesn't help loose the weight.
On Saturday I bought the first bottle of wine I've bought in months.
In those four days I've only have two glasses...and I enjoyed them.
Six months ago I was going through three of those BIG bottles of yellow tail every week sometimes more.
Now that's just gross, and prooves how miserable I actually was. Mehh
My running everything and three mile walk probably were just making up for the amount of alcohol I was consuming as soon as I swiped those compression crops & washed that sweat off.
What was I thinking.
Alcohol causes stomach bloat & water retention
{which I'm feeling today after only two glasses}
Alcohol has tons of sugar.
Alcohol is just empty calories.
Now I'm not saying you should never have a drink if you're trying to loose weight...
Or Maybe I am But you should seriously limit your comsumption if you're serious about dropping those el-bees
That being said I do not plan on throwing away that last 3/4 of the bottle that is left...
BUT weight loss isn't about giving everything up that you enjoy.
It's about MODERATION MODERATION MODERATION!

Happy Wednesday Ladies!


Couldn't help myself HAD to leave you with a little Mamma June to brighten your day!
And remember next week we are measuring...b/c this girl someone forgot this week

Words how little they mean when they're a little too late.

I am a sucker for all things alternative or punk rock music.I remember being twelve shut in my room illegally downloading all kinds of music from bands no one had ever heard of. Lately I have been in a funk. I have spent the last two weeks living with the sounds of Mumford & Sons and Eddie Vedder swirrling around in my head.

Last week some of you may know I started therapy. I can already tell it is the best investment I will ever make. Those of you have been know the first session is a get to know you type thing...In that one hour I think I learned more about where I am at and where I need to be then I could have figured out myself in years. I am a serial over-reactor. Not in a bad way, okay in a bad way sometimes. I give everything my whole heart, and I really get hurt when someone gets upset, or something doesn't go the way I plan. So yah, maybe I'm a bit of a control freak too...okay okay total control freak. But that's only because I've been taking care of a narcasistic man child for the last six years.

My therapist, let's call her PJ asked me two questions last week that have hung in my head and laid heavy on my heart every second of every day for the past six days. The first being, "So you're getting a divorce? Do you want a divorce?". Honestly, the answer to that one is a big fat en-oh. Absolutely not. Do I think our marriage is salvagable after all we've been through, yah actually I do. But I also know that I will never move back to Arkansas to be with The King, and I won't stop doing what I'm doing to put my life on the back burner for him e v e r again. Another thing I know is that one lie, that one decision, that one choice he made, it ruined our marriage. And not because I let it, because he did. I forgave him before he even told me, I already knew and was just waiting for him to come clean. In that week of hell, waiting for him to tell me I prayed and I waited. I prayed for GOD to show me his purpose in this lesson, in this hurt. And I prayed for strength to do what was right, to follow his plan for me. Three weeks and a whole lot of tears and crazy later I was packing anything I deemed important my "life" into a u-haul trailer.

Nearly five months later I heard the words I had been waiting to hear all along. "I don't want a divorce, I just didn't think there was a choice. I runied everything." I have been waiting to hear those first five words since the day I found out about Bethany. Five months later they just don't have the same effect to them that I was expecting them to have. Somehow those five simple words that should have been so easy to say, weren't for The King. How many times does he deserve another chance? How many? I expected to feel such joy when he spoke those words, if he ever admitted it. But I didn't. I cried, because I was pissed. Really really really pissed. "Words how little they mean, when they're a little too late." Amen Taylor, Amen.

The other thing PJ asked me is how I felt about myself. I answered with okay really, I'm going to start classes, I'm just trying to keep moving. Then she asked me what the first word was that came to mind when I thought of myself. Withough hesitation I blurted out "shame, I feel ashamed." I feel like it's my fault my marriage failed. I feel like no man is going to want to love me, a woman who let her marriage fall apart, who's husband turned away from her June Cleaver perfect wife, perfectionist control freak ways, for another pierced tatooed, bleach blonde little girl who embodied everything that I was not. I lost my husband. I fell like I owe some sort of explanation to everyone I see while I push the cart, or hold Addy's hand through the mall with no ring on my finger...but the tan lines, calluses, and smoother skin in the width of those two bands is still fresh. I f a i l e d. I wasn't enough. That sucks.

I've made the decision with a little encouragement from my parents to drop all of my classes and start fresh in the fall. I think it's the best decision, I know I realistically couldn't give the proper effort to any amount of classes rite now. I'm struggling just to parent Addy, sort my feelings, and keep it together until seven everynight when she goes to bed so that I can fall apart if I need to. Yesterday we both had a really rough day, on more then one occasion we ended up both in tears, her sitting on my lap with her little arms around my neck...

"Where you invest your love,
You invest your life"
I want to spend the next eight months before the fall semester starts invested in myself, healing my heart, and moving forward with or with out The King in our lives. And truly being secure in that. I want to invest the next eight months in my family & friends who have given me so much over the years. I want to invest the next eight months in GOD, my father and personal savior who I have set to the side the last six or so years spent with The King. Most of all I want to invest these next eight months in my Adaline. She will be three in less then five months...THREE. I can hardly believe it. These days are so precious, and this last six months have gone by in a blur. It's a struggle every day for the two of us to find our rythm...we need to settle in, and then I can begin building our life. With or with out her father.

Free Stuff Friday!

Woahh Wait a minute...
Did she say free?
YEP!
I most certainly did say free.
It's Friday and I'm too dang tired to blog.
But I hope you ladies have a great weekend.
I'll leave you with this give away.
What's better then free stuff to end the week?!

You can enter the give away here.
My girl Lora is hosting
I'm participating and so are a bunch of other blogging divas I just lubbb

Here's what one lucy very lucky diva will get:

$60 worth of Target giftcards
$25 Starbucks giftcards
$25 Banana Republic giftcard
$20 Sephora giftcard
Stationary
An Alex & Ani Bracelet {living water}
A Cosmetics Bag
A Free Button
A Lulemon Headband

Danng that's a lot of swag!
Head on over to see Lora, follow the other bloggers
&& leave ONE comment to let Lora know you particpated!

We Made It!

Random Thursday: Wearing all the hats

I keep seeing tons of posts titled "Random Thursday" today
So I thought I'd join the fun and be super random too
I've been pretty lax lazy with my blogging and answering emails lately
I promise I've read your emails and I will get back to you
I'm just lazy. distracted. busy
Today's post is completely random
Due to my laziness not keeping up on my blog I have a lot to say
as usual
Today I am going to try on some different "hats"
Fitblogger.Realitytvblogger.FashionBlogger.Homedecorblogger
Stay Tuned this is going to be fun


Fit.Blogger
So y'all know by now that I have cut dairy, red meat & refined carbohydrates. I have tried twice this week to eat dairy. And my body has made it clear to me that it's on a diet. It's all like, "listen sister, this ass misses those size 10 jeans, we already made it to a 12, so stop filling me with crizzap, or else!" Then the punishment comes...a few minutes pass and I am feeling like I'm going into labor again, yah the pain is really THAT bad...then I get to scurry to the bathroom where I am stuck for way too long cursing that 1/4 cup of cheese I had on my baked potato for carb-day Wednesday. So even though I have tried to sneak stuff past the old stomach, apparently it has already adapted and made itself lactose-intolerant. Awesome. At least I cannot forget I'm on a diet, my body has a not so polite way of reminding me. I guess I am doomed to being that annoying friend who orders steamed veggies and plain chicken when we go out. Which isn't cool, this weekend is Diva Mandy Pant's birfday & we are going to cheesecake factory. It's my favorite...it has cheese in the name...this is gonna be a t.e.s.t!
Alex vs. herbody.


Reality.TV.Blogger

Yes, Sean of course I will marry you. Those girls are all different breeds of crazy, and I completely agree, I'm the one that's right for you. I will forgive you for falling for Tierra's fake fall and dramatic crazy girl tendencies. I will forgive you for that 3+ minute on-screen kiss, I know you were thinking about your's truly the whoolllleee time. Let's get real here though...he centered his solo date with Ashlee P this week around hanging out at six flags with two girls with chronic illnesses {he's a saint}. He even did old time photos...I love old time photos. He's such a hunk, <<---look at that picture! This week he even flew Sarah H's dog to come see her as a surprise because he knew she miss him. AND he even played with the dog..in his suit. He is THE perfect man. I would even forgive him for his scandalous spread in in-touch. Oh.My.Gawd. that man is dreamy.

Then there's this show. It's called Built. It's on style network. And I have no idea what it's even about. But look at that man, with that power tool AND a tank top...swoon. I'm hooked and the premier is set with a reminder on my phone. It's gonna be good, I mean style is responsible for some serious quality entertainment such as Jersylicious, BigRichTexas, Girls Club. Built will not disappoint.



Home.Decor.Blogger
This month Addy and I are getting our rooms re-done. She's getting a "big girl room" no more cribby...and I need to not be sleeping in my childhood bed. Now I'm sure you know I left The King with all our furniture...big mistake. I think I might kind of be okay with it though. I'd rather do it my way, new stuff, new memories. So here's my design boards for our rooms...

My room will have a fabric ultra-girly platform bed like this one pictured. Red I love red, I was thinking I should go pink and girly...but that's not me. So we are going red, chocolate and girly. I love the Moroccan inspired rug from overstock, and that chair {also from o.co} will be perfect with my vanity. I have a desk and a dresser to redo. It will be so nice to do a little refinishing with out The King {an expert on everything} over my shoulder shirtless and sweaty arguing with me that I'm doing it all wrong. Buzz off I got this!

Addy Bear's Room...fit for a princess. I LOVE the shabby chic, ultra girly look mixed with what else but zebra of course. And who doesn't love cute signs. I'm looking for a stencil, or walllpaper to do on one of her walls...or thinking of doing a tree stencil like in her nursery. She loves animals...on my list to find for her room is a large wicker elephant, owl figurines, birds & birdcages.


Fashion.Blogger

leopard tunic-borrowed:Diva.Rach's.closet similar/similarScarf-Kikilarue exact Leggings-Kikilarue exact Necklace-Groopdealz similar Boots-Frye exact/similar

Happy Thursday Hookstars

Weigh In Wednesday: Week 4

This Morning I weighed in with a 2.6 pound gain..193.6
Womp Womp.
I've had my period, I've been a sappy mess, I've eaten well, but I still gained.
Two pounds is probably my normal menstrual weight gain...except normally it's like 12-15 pounds because I gorge myself on takeout and anything ice cream related.
This week I didn't.
And I only gained 2 1/2 pounds, so I will take it!
Even with my gain today I am only 4.6 pounds away from being UNDER 190.
The 180's I haven't seen them in almost three years.
As of today I am 8.6 pounds away from my 100 pounds lost mark!
I never ever ever thought I would be here.
To a lot of you I'm sure 193.6 is a big number...
But I'm really proud of it.
I'm proud as I slip on a pair of size 11 or 12 jeans.
I'm proud every time someone tells me I look thin.
I'm proud every time I make the right food choice choice.
And I am proud every time I make time for me to sweat it out.
I may have gained THIS week but I have lost 92 pounds...
That's a freaking sixth grader...
Holy Crap!



Now you all know if you were here last week, I decided to cut dairy and red meat from mine and Addy's diet.
I think we were 90% successful.
We grocery shopped Sunday night & when we got home I prepped all my meals!
This takes time...too much time, but it makes the rest of the week easy peasy.
I have been staying away from refined carbs, and sticking mostly to stuff grown from the ground.
I feel GREAT!
Even with my gain this week, I have had more people tell me I look thinner this week then in weeks I lost six pounds.
My stomach bloat is disappearing, you can start to see my ribs
"oh hey ribs, long time no see"
My back rolls are g o n e
And you can start to see the makings of upper abdominal muscles
What What!!!
I'm sleeping better, but I haven't had much energy...
This week I need to decide if that's due to my hormones, or if I'm just not eating the right things...
I'm considering starting to supplement this week mehh one more thing to remember
5:30am turbo kick workouts, were far and few did not happen
Who wants to get up at 5:30 when it's -8* out and your nice and toasty in your warm bed
Not this girl.
But I need to!

How Did you all do this week?!?! I'm excited to see!!!!

Forget. Forgive. Begin Again. And Again. And Again.

Today, I'm at work yes I blog from work duh when most of you are at home with your little bunnies who also are home today from school. I'm jealous, I miss my Addy bear. I feel like this weekend there was stiff competition between the two of us...who could throw more tantrums. I think I won. badmomoftheyearaward.

I've been stressed, really stressed. And feeling a little sad about The King. We've had to talk this week a little bit because I'm filing our taxes. Yes, I basically black mailed my way into being "allowed" to take over that task by threatening that I wouldn't give him my w-2's and file seperately, keeping him from getting all the stimulus' that we usually qualify for. Yah, I know, well played Al, Well.Played. Queen-1 King-0. Well maybe that's a conservitive score...The King is probably at what 5, 10, 20 by now, I don't even remember. But I do know that little shit is sneaky and he seems to have me fooled into forgiving him and forgetting the crappy crap he does. But reguardless Momma is finally on the board. Best part? He THINKS I'm going to keep his half, he's VERY nervous about it...I would never do that. ever. I play by the rules, I can be dirty, but I don't play dirty like The King. So, he will get his half, and I will feel even better that I didn't do something mean like him, eventhough I could if I really wanted to.

Anyways, I've been feeling nostalgic, guilty, sad, stressed, impatient, and I've cried more in the last seventy-two hours then I have since Christmas Eve when Adam served me with the papers. That's right, I made it a full four weeks with out crying. With out looking back. With out wondering what if. With out thinknig maybe, just maybe one day he will grow up and come back for his family. Did I do the right thing by choosing to walk away, or should I have tried harder? I asked my Mom that yesterday actually. She reminded me that I DID try everything, and I spent three weeks in my chair crying all day crippled by a broken heart and unable to parent my child effectively, becuase I was too worried about The King and if he would leave us. And guess what, he did. He didn't fight for us, he is not worthy. I need to remember the last day, as he jumped the fence like a lunatic with my phone to delete all the evidence I had of his relationship with B-dizle. The look on his face when he sat there in front of me as I asked "You are never going to give me what I want are you?" and he replied "I don't want more kids, and I don't believe in GOD." suckerpunchtothegut. holyshitballs. I just spent six years with the wrong man.

Our breif conversations about all things tax related, turned into late night texts about the future. His future. His life. The guilt he feels. It doesn't help that I was sent a message by a mutual friend this past week that was from The King saying that he was sorry he has let everyone down, he just couldn't do it anymore, and I was so much more then he ever deserved, that he always felt like he was holding me back. True on all accounts.

But the self loathing is getting old, though it get's me every time. My poor little baby who's favorite animal is a monkey, who had red spikes in his hair on the first day of sixth-grade, who's mom wouldn't let me speak to him on the phone when I called repeditely at the ripe age of thirteen, who would eat tacos for every meal,literally, who would watch stupid old movies on comedy central all day and laugh out loud freely the.entire.time. Who's arms I fell asleep in for the five years we shared a bed at night. Who I made a home and a child with, who I wanted to grow ould with and wanted to grow old with me...the boy who loved me. And who I still love. In his vaunerable moments he is still that boy, but he can be a real monster at the drop of a hat. I miss him this week, or rather I feel as though he is missing from me.

It's been a rough weekend. My saddness about The King has festered over into the rest of my days. Into my parenting. Into my being a member of my family. Into my motivation to work out, that would be zero. Maybe it's my heart hurting because I'm lonely. Maybe it's the fact that I'm oozing hormones & uterine lining this week. Maybe. But I am so very glad that tomorrow afternoon at 4 o'clock I start therapy. I've been putting it off for months years now because I wasn't ready to hear the truth...I'm ready now. I'm doing so well, almost an entire month with out walking around with tears around the brim of my green eyes. almost a month with out crying myself to sleep. almost a month with out feeling broken and alone. almost a month. And that is something to be proud of. That is sucess and that is progress. I look back at how far I've come the last almost four months, one-hundred-twenty plus days with out The King, and a lot of hell in between. And I'm moving forward.

Channeling my inner Nancy Clue {Lindsey}

Hey gurl Heyyyyyy
It's freezing & it's friday here in upstate New York
& most other places around the country, duh Al.
There were a few posts I had planned out this week, but didn't quite get around to it, so bare with me today. This shit is going to be l o n g.


So a big decision was made this week, one that wouldn't have been made with out the support and encouragement of my parents. I am dropping down to part time status with school & only taking my online classes. There is a chance, albeit a very very small chance I will have to go down to Arkansas for an exteded period of time to clean out The King's Castle, and take half of everything that is rightfully mine to go to court. It's not likely, but still a possibility. I cannot risk putting multiple weeks of work into classes {which I am paying out of pocket for} just to have all that thrown away because I need to go fight with my husband for custody of Addy bear.

So anyways, I enrolled into classes with out thinking. With out considering I am a total basket case. Which is totally acceptable my world just fell apart four short months ago. I also applied to more big girl jobs again last night. Previously I had decided I didn't want a full time job because I wanted to focus on school, but since I'm just part time online for now, I can get a rizeal job...I need a real job.

I feel relieved. I feel thankful my parents are so supportive. And eventhough I felt like a looser if I didn't jump in with both feet as far as school, sometimes you just need to take some time, breathe, and get your shit together. It takes a while to adjust to a shitshow major life change like the one I'm going through. It's really okay to not have it all together rite now...it's o k a y. I'm the only one who expects me to just move forward with my big girl pants on {not to be confused with fat pants} and just make it happen. But the bottom line is I am only twenty-two. If I need to take some time and pull myself back together and wait till I'm twenty-three and Addy is enrolled full time in pre-school to hit the books hard, it is not the end of the world. This won't derail my overall perspective graduation date, as long as I pass chemistry and math in the fall easier said then done I will still get into the hygine program for 2014 and I will still graduate in 2016 at the end of Adaline's Kindergarden year!!! I have t i m e! Now I just need to remind myself every day I'm not a looser...I did not choose this...this is not my fault.



Now let's talk about that constant thorn in my side, pain in my ass, nagging annoying festering zit I like to refer to as The King. I don't think I've told you ladies what his divorce papers actually asked for since they just arrived uncertified last Friday. He want's custody of Addy Bear six weeks every summer, yes I understand this is standard. BUT The King is an abusive, mean, impatient man who played angry birds through my entire 14 hour labor, who never woke up once in two years to change a diaper, and who never really had much tolerance for our pricess if she was any kind of fussy. As you know, he is also in the military, a flying crew cheif in the Air Force to be specific. His job requires him to be ready to go to wherever with little to no notice...where would that leave Addy. Not to mention he works 10-12 hours a day...my child is NOT going to Arkansas for six weeks to spend all her time in day care. Not.gonna.happen. Speaking of The King's job...he was spotted sleeping on the job last week in Afghanistan. He did not tell me he was going on this little trip around the world...know why? Because he made a shit ton of money for his little two week jaunt. But guess what, I channeled my inner Nancy Clue rockstar ways and stumbled across this little gem here...

Yes, that is infact The King in the flesh asleep somewhere in the middle east a few days ago. He made a crap load of money, and 28% of that should be going to Addy. He is a s n a k e. He tried to say it wasn't him...he's an effing liar! I stared at that dumb head for 7 years, I can see the chicken pock scar and his dumb long eyelashes. With out a doubt that is him.

Okay, back to these "divorce papers" they're completely retarded, never going to get signed. Not to mention irrelevant because we are already under contract in New York. His stupid dunce of a lawyer even forgot to send me the summons to sign...I mean REALLY?!? I guess that's what you get when you go to the strip mall and hire the lawyer who's office is between a Cato and a Regal Nails. uhh durr.Good job King. GOOD Job, how does it feel to waste $500. xoxo

Happy Friday Hookers
xoxox

Weigh In Wednesday #3

This morning I weighted in at 191.
That's four pounds down from last week.
I worked really hard this week
I worked out every single day
{Some days TWICE a day}
I swear I've done enough squats and lunges I thought my legs would fall off
The constant fatigue in my body is something I'm starting to enjoy
It's a proud feeling...
I ate rite & stayed with in my calories every day.
I fell great, I have tons of energy.
It's awesome to finally feel good.
Really good.
I've worked for it.

Something I've started to focus on instead of looking at the big picture is the fact that every day I get fitter. Everytime I work out I get fitter. Everytime I make a choice to eat the right foods I.get.fitter.

It's so important to focus on the small victories, daily, hourly, hell minute by minute it's tough to loose weight, it's tough to make the right decisions with food, and find the motivation to exercise...but if you do everything right well mostly right you will succeed! You will always get out of your body what you put into it.




Eat junk and you will become junk, eat healthy and you will become healthy
I've made a decision this week...Kind of a big one. One of my girlfriends was over the other day, she's been eating vegan for a month and has lost twelve pounds! Her mid-section is insanely smaller, she says her energy is up, she sleeps better, her period is shorter, and her cramps...what cramps!?!

Dairy is bad news everywhere you look. Almost half of the calories in whole milk come from fat, and nearly all of its carbohydrates come from sugar. When it comes to your

weight, dairy has twice the calories of carbohydrates. Making the dairy you consume twice as likely to cause weight gain than if you were consuming the same amount of carbohydrates. Extra calories the body cannot use are stored on the body as fat, regardless of their source. But when those extra calories are coming from a high-fat food, you are doing your body a double disservice. Overall dairy is bad for weight loss...

Here are a few pictures I found of women who went vegan {no dairy-no meat}...after just a few short weeks, their bodies are completely transformed! Their results really just make me want to give it a month or two...try it out see how it goes.

can you believe this one...FOUR months.
That is AMAZING

Now I'm not going to go all crazy, throw away all my leather shoes never gonna happen, I'm not going to protest naked in Central Park, I am not going to stop shaving my armpits, dread my hair and start using vegan beauty products...for me "vegan" is not a political stance...which is why I'm not identifying with it. I'm not calling myself a "vegan" though essentially I will be.

I am simply cutting out most dairy and meat products, particularly red meat, for the next 6 weeks. I'm still going to be drinking my whey protein, even though it is a milk based product, I'm still going to eat eggs, and I'm still going to eat chicken {I barely eat it as it is, but sometimes I like it on my salads}. I'm going to also be changing Addy girl's diet. We are going to basically still eat all the soy versions of milk based products...butter, yogurt, almond milk, cheese, sour cream. You would be so surprised how little you actually have to give up to make this change. I don't know yet if this will be a permanent thing for us LaPoint girls. I have a feeling we will end this little trial feeling much better

It's Monday...

Hey Gurrrlll, H e y

Happy Monday Hookers!
I'm in a great mood today
It was a G R E A T weekend
I woke up this morning at 5:30 to get in some quality time with Chalene
I accidently put Espresso in my protein shake instead of regular coffee
{zzzzaaaaaiiiiinnnnngggg}
On Saturday The King actually decided to talk to Addy Bear...
She wouldn't even talk to him on Skype, that was fun to watch.
No seriously, it was actually pretty gratifying.
AND she called him Adam {even funnier}.

Saturday I went out with my Divas, my Sissa even came too
We went to a sports bar, and then to see Gangster Squad
Food was great, drinks were better, but the San Fran vs. Green Bay game was on..
And it was so flipping loud in there we could barely gossip.
{but we managed}
As far as Gangster Squad, hilarious suprisingly, plus it has my FH Ry Guy in it.
I was a little disappointed I didn't get to see more of his fine ass
{Naked}


On Sunday Addy woke up at the crack of dawn
{early bird gets the worm}
We snuggled & watched The Lorax
I don't know who enjoyed it more, her or Pippay
Then we went outside and built the biggest snowman ever
The Princess was in awe and had fun
That is all that counts


Today I'm back at work.
Mehhhh
I'm also starting school today.
For those of you that haven't been following along the whole time...
I have been a SAHM for the last 4 years...
Now that The King decided to leave us, I have to go back to school.
Which I'm okay with & I cannot wait for Addy to be there when I graduate
in three freakin years.


For the next two semesters I'm focusing on my sciences and other gen ed courses
I need to beef up my application to the Dental Hygine program for 2014.


No, but really I am.
I cannot wait to learn.
I cannot wait to have a career.
I cannot wait to have independance.
I am thankful Adam decided to jump ship
{when he did}
Now I get to find what makes me whole.
I get to find my purpose.
I get to put my {and Addy's} life back together
e x a c t l y how I want it!


P.S I finally bit the bullet and joined instagram {queenofthiscastle6}
And I actually LOVE it :)

This Monday I am linking up with: Leeann and Sami for the Weekend Update.
AND Molly for YOLO Mondays.

It's the Freakin' Weekend. Almost.

Oh.Em.Gee
It's Friday already
As of 3:00 today the weekend starts.
Thank goodness!
I'm ready for some quality time with my munchkin. thatsfersure.


It's been a pretty uneventful week around here.
Yah know, working, silly toddler shananigans, doing the mom thing
AND breaking a sweat on the reg.
I even managed to drag my ass hop out of bed at the early hour of 5:30 TWICE this week to get in a morning work out
{in addidion to my evening one}
I also bit the bullet and joined rejoined instagram
Have I ever told you ladies my instagram horror story...
oh I haven't, well you see
I thought it was just a photo editing app, did NOT realize every picture I took went on the interwebs for all my fb friends {and any one else in the world to access}
Well, Adam was deployed, and yah' know we were sending pictures to eachother
Selfies...the kind you wouldn't want your Mamma to see
And certainly would not want the whole online community to have for thier viewing pleasure
Adam came home, months went by...
I took a couple "before" pictures of my chub this summer before I started body pump...
And it happened..
I got a like on one of them...
A WHAT



Yep, that's right, someone liked my picture, which means lot's of someones probably saw my bits and pieces...
Now they weren't nasty nasty {that's for skype}
...I had minimal clothing on.
but.still
Needless to say I promptly deleted that account and created another
You can find me at queenofthiscastle6 on instagram
I swear I will never ever make that mistake again...
Unless you into that sort of thing...
In that case call me kidding.
totally kidding


I also wanted to thank you fine ladies today.
I had a rough night Wednesday...
And your comments melted my heart.
You're the best friends I've never met.
I have a lot of shame surrounding this whole divorced under 25 and single mother thing
It's nice to hear that there are a ton of you that have been through something similar
AND come out on the other side!
Thank you all of you, for your support
I luba you. Forreallll.



I also reactivated the old my fittness pal app again.
I'm working my bootylicious derriare off...
And it's not shrinking.
W.T.F
So it's got to be what I'm putting in my mouth.
I used to log everything...then I stopped.
I'm starting again...
en-ee-ways
You can find me @ alnicoleking43





Have a good weekend divas.
See ya'll Monday

Regretful...

This is my second post of the day.I'm just really sad, like lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the tub and cry sad.I have this beautiful baby,super supportive family, a beautiful loving home to come home to...but it's not MY home. It's not the home I purchased and made to grow my family in.

When I left Arkansas I left everything, every material thing in that house. I left our wedding pictures, stuff I had gotten at flea markets, the pottery barn crib set and bedding in Addy's room that I spent months dreaming about and agonizing over, her tree mural on her wall. My bathroom which I loved, and my amazing bed. My rock wall we built together in 110* heat...My flower boxes Adam made me our first summer in Arkansas... my black amish star that I hung on the front of our house to protect us from evil {a lot of good that did}...my antique bird cage, and all my tj maxi finds, and I miss my damn flowers that he let die.

I didn't want any of it. Not one thing. I just wanted to get out of there, and quick before I changed my mind. Now I realize I miss that stuff. None of it had anything to do with The King...it was all stuff I found, stuff I loved, stuff that made me feel like I was home.

And I miss my freaking friends. Today I really feel robbed...I feel like we got married and moved away and my life got put on hold for Adam. I stopped school and had a baby for adam. I bought a house on my own during Adam's first deployment, for Adam. I sacrificed my happiness every day to make life easier for The King, for Adam. And finally I went home, with my dignity still intact, for Adam.

I am so sad, and lonely. And I just wish I would have realized 7 years ago that he would never be anything more then that little punk in the silver celica. And I would always be the girl he always wanted but was never good enough for...until he didn't want me. Until he decided he was done having a family...until he decided he just didn't feel the same anymore...until he wanted to go off and get a girlfriend.

I think now how Addy will be SIX before I'm done with college, and that is IF I pass everything, and get into the program the first try. IF. I just wish I married a man who was worth all the work I put into our marriage, and I just wish maybe I would've been smart enough to see past his handsome little brown face.

I thank God every day that my little munchkin doesn't look a dang thing like him.
{that would just be too painful}
I thank God everyday that Addy doesn't know what the hurt he caused me looked like
{and she never will}
I thank God every day for this horrible heart break
{because I'm young, I can start over}
I thank God every day that I keep moving every day
{even if inside I'm crying in the bathtub, I still get up and go on}
I thank God every day for the family I have
{I am so lucky I had a home to land in}
I thank God every day for this lesson
{because I know I will learn something out of all this mess}
And I thank God everyday for the beautiful future he has planned for Addy and Me.
I feel like I ignored all the signs the first time around, and this time I'm going to let go and let God...

What would have {could have} been, doesn't really matter now
There are better things out there for us King LaPoint girls...
And I cannot wait to experience them with my Lady Bug.
Adam may have all my stuff
But I have the only thing that matters...
The only good thing that came out of our marriage
The most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.
She's mine all mine....

Weigh In Wednesday Week #2

Welcome Back to Weigh In Wednesday
{And for you newbies welcome welcome welcome}


This week my weight is 195.8
So we are gonna call it one pound lost
I'll take it
I worked really hard
I probably could've worked harder though
I did do Body Pump 4 out of 7 nights...
Each workout is 45-55 minutes long, that's a lot to commit to
Always when I start seriously training my muscles my weight loss for the first couple weeks is slow
Then all the sudden BAM I'm down 5 pounds in a week
On my 5th night I did flow.
Body Pump's version of "yoga"
That shit is HARD
I was ready to die by the third downward dog to crocodile pose
But I kept going, and was SO glad
I wasn't tight anymore,
I wasn't fatigued anymore
AND more importantly I wasn't waddling around like a duck!


Today I want to talk a little bit about how we are all shaped different...
Going through and reading everyone's stories last week
Seeing different weights, and "before" pictures
I think it is AMAZING the way we are all built so differently
Some of you are at my goal weight, yet still wearing the same size pants I am now 45 pounds heavier then you are
Weird huh?
How all our bodies carry differently...
That is why the number on the scale is really just a number.
At 198 pounds I was able to put on my old size 12 jeans.
A million years ago when I weighed 150 pounds I was a size 6.
The women in the picture below are all 165 pounds.
Their bodies are all so different, it really is just amazing to me.
We are so hard on ourselves and really focus and agonize over that number...
It really means absolutely nothing!

<p align="center"><a href="http://www.shesabigstar.com/"><img src="http://i1191.photobucket.com/albums/z468/suit1/WeighIn1_zps284dd2e2.png" alt="button" width="363" height="489" /></a></p>

I finally found my goal pieces for my ORB challenge!
Momma needs a monokini for public
{these tiger stripes from growing to massive proportions in 9 short months need to be hidden}
AND I found what I think is a pretty sexy top that comes up to size E {{SCORE}}
I'm not ordering yet
Because I had a $500 tuition payment & $300 worth of books to buy
BUT at least the hard part is done & I have it narrowed down.
I encourage you to check out the ORB movement by clicking the button below
There is no such thing as TOO much support





I am 1/3 of the way there, that's so exciting to me, I cannot believe I have shaved over 20pts of my BMI! That IS something to celebrate.

This Weeks Challenge Is ALL About The Bootayyyyy